So, I don't really know why I'm writing about this, but I needed to get it out. This weekend my parents found out that I'm still talking to my online best friend, who happens to be pretty much the only person who knows I'm trans*, and who happens to also be trans*. They got all pissed about it, especially because I call him "him", even though he's biologically female. They're about the most transphobic and homophobic people on the planet, so that really didn't sit well with them. And then they started going on and on about what our religion teaches about gender, which is that gender is eternal. Which I also believe, but I think that sometimes the brain can still end up as the opposite of the eternal gender, which obviously causes problems. That's the only way I'm able to explain all this transgender mess to myself. But they made me feel guilty for seeing him as a guy, and for seeing myself as a guy, even though they don't know about that. It's all such a mess. But I ended up feeling so bad about everything, mostly the gender mess, that I wound up suicidal again (I've had depression for a while), decided to say goodbye to my best friend for a little while so that I can figure out what the heck I want to do, without him influencing me, since my parents think that pretty much all of my interests are because of his influence, and feeling immensely guilty just for being me and being trans*, even though I've chosen to still live my religion by not transitioning, despite the fact that that's really freaking hard. Anyway, it's all a mess, and I can't help but wonder if the feelings of guilt and complete and utter self-loathing because I can't just be "normal" will ever go away. And wondering if I'm making the right decision by saying goodbye to pretty much the only person who knows who I am and supports me. I'll shut up now. Sorry about the long rant. :lol:
Don't shut up. Let it out. Some people will just not get it. Understanding of the transgender population is something that isn't common and your case is totally normal. We are here for you. We understand. I used to worry that I was a freak or wrong or "Just a crossdresser". Understanding of oneself takes a bit of time and introspection. Don't let religious guilt stop you from being you. I'm sorry to hear about your loss of contact with your friend. (*hug*)
Thanks. (*hug*) Any good tips on how to understand myself when it's being beaten into my head that I'm wrong? I'd try moving out to get away from all of the transphobia of my family, but I can't, for financial reasons. So I'm stuck listening to their ideas on it, and their lack of understanding, knowing that I will never be able to be myself around them, and never be able to tell them who I really am. So how do I overcome that and let myself just be me, and figure out who I really am?
Well it took me forever to tell myself to not hate these feelings. And I'm 32. Wish I figured it out when I was in my teens or early 20s. You need to accept yourself before others accept you. That's what you should work on first and there is no guidance for that. It's an internal struggle everyone has to go through.
Thanks. I'll do my best to try to figure out how to accept myself, then. Thank you for listening, and thanks for the advice.
