I'm sorry for putting this on here, but it's kind of the only place I feel comfortable doing so; with not being out to anyone in my life, this is where I automatically come to get things off my chest or out of my system. So in the last few weeks/months I've been coming to terms more and more with the fact that I may well be transgender (FTM) and trying to accept it. It's something that I'm still trying to make sense of in my own head - I'd never understood the idea of being trans* at any great length until I read an article on it and was shocked with how much I identified with the man. It's got to the stage now where I know that I need to start exploring this properly, by dressing male/binding and seeing how that makes me feel (the idea of it sounds amazing, but I want to know what it'd be like in reality) but that's kind of where the problems - largely self-imposed, I do admit - begin. Whenever I feel the urge to go and look at the clothing in shops that catches my eye - the suits and the shirts and the trousers that I long to wear - I feel so excited and happy at the prospect of it, but at the same time I'm completely terrified. Like, the thoughts of "what if someone I know sees me buying boy clothes? What if the sales assistant thinks I'm a creep because I look like a girl and I'm buying boy clothes? What if my parents find them and freak out? (They've made their views on LBGTQ people very clear, and they're not favourable.). The shopping centre closest to where I live is frequented by pretty much everyone I know, including everyone from my school and people I've grown up with. So basically, because of my own fear and anxiety of people finding out what I'm doing, I'm stuck in this awkward spot of thinking I'm "maybe-possibly trans*" but needing to explore it more before I come out/even accept it fully myself. If I could just get over myself and *do it* I'd be more sure of myself one way or the other, and I wish it were that simple. Sorry for moaning/ranting on here, didn't know where else to do it.
Personally, I'd advise starting with a haircut and dressing more androgynously so that it's less noticeable of a change later. I did that and it worked pretty well. By the time my mother could complain, I'd already procured a masculine wardrobe and tossed all of my girl clothes. Sneakiness wins the day!
That's a good idea actually, I think I'll try that. I'm moving out at the end of this year anyway, so I think I'll try the more androgynous route for now - I don't wear the majority of my clothes currently as it is, because I don't feel comfortable in them, so I doubt they'll notice for a while. Thank you.
Why does everyone apologize so much here? Really, you're fine, this is exactly what we're here for So my trick, is to just look ahead at the clothes. That's all that is in my mind. What I want. What I came to the store for. I don't look around for other people's eyes. Maybe they are there, maybe they aren't. And my other trick. If I do meet someone else's eyes. It's really simple. Smile. If they're scowling at me, and I smile, they'll look away. If they are doing anything other than scowling at me, they will smile back I didn't get here right away, so I guess I can share my last trick. All I really can do is share what worked for me. Everyone gets past this hurdle in a different way. But I started small. I wore little things I could get away with in "guy mode" out of the house, and slowly got more bold. I have my ears pierced. I have technically men's, but pink and white just the same, Aididas. I started my laser hair removal before pretty much anything else. I practice my voice all the time. That kind of stuff. Well eventually it just snowballed. People eventually started to notice, but then they did something else. They just kept walking. I wasn't a big deal to them. I can remember one night, I had become bold enough, that I was head to toe a woman. I was pretty sure I was nowhere near passable, no confidence at all. I was out with my best friend. We were walking past a bus stop, and I almost wanted to strangle her for this, but the bus was stopped and people were getting off - and she just walked past them. I almost turned around right then and there out of spite and walked the long way home. I really don't like being pushed to do this kind of stuff. I can look back and laugh now but I was still in a pissy mood the whole evening. But right then I decided, what the heck. I don't know these people. And maybe I do, but the ones I know that matter wouldn't really care. So yeah. Clung to my purse like a little life raft, but I just walked right on by. And no one cared. That was a pretty big deal for me, realizing that people weren't looking that close. I did another time, experience my worst fear too. Head to toe a woman again, with a friend again, just this time I was at a sandwich place. My friend placed her order, and it was my turn. "And what does he want?" Oh. My. God. That was NOT fun at all. I just wanted to find a tiny hole somewhere and never ever come out. But I really think that time, that was when it clicked. I mean, there it was. My worst fear, realized. And yeah, it was terrible. It definitely motivated me to try a little harder. But, no bears came out to eat me. There were no crowds full of people pointing and laughing. It was just what I was experiencing and nothing more. Not as big as the sandwich shop, but I think the last experience that really shaped me was when I was job interviewing. I won't go into details, but I was interviewing as a guy. Without going into details, I got feedback from the recruiter, which... nothing I could prove of course, but it was pretty clear he saw me as a gay man, and it had an impact on my not getting hired. Still pretty angry about that even though I have had better prospects since. But it drove home the fact that my "guy mode" is no longer the safe haven it used to be, which helped my confidence a lot too. So yeah like I said, and now it's my turn to apologize but sorry for the long story, I do that some times But it was all small steps. Just my getting used to not even looking for how other people are reacting to things and crossing bridges as I come to them.
Yeah, dressing androgynously is probably the best thing to do. I have many of the same problems you do, but sometimes girls clothes can still work if you find the right ones. Layering clothes helps a lot to hide your chest, and wearing something like a jacket does as well- and jackets are often pretty androgynous. One way you can get mens shirts is to find a t-shirt with a graphic on it (like a band shirt) and say you're buying it for the design.
