I'm feeling a little stuck and want to come out to more people but I don't know who else I could come out to before my parents. I mean, I've only got one friend, haha. I don't want to come out to my parents yet because I'm still slightly afraid that this is just a "grass is always greener" thing. Although I really want to start high school as my preferred gender in September so I don't think coming out to them in the last week of August would be a good idea. My life has just always seemed so... pointless. I've always had good days and bad days (although more bad than good) but overall I often don't know what to do with myself. I seem to keep choosing to not participate in life. I don't want to rush coming out as transgender but I don't know what else to do. I wonder if this is just another one of the "solutions" I come up with to fix all my problems, but lately it's come clear to me how most people don't even consider changing their gender. I guess I'm not doubting that I'm trans, just if transitioning would really change anything. The friend that I came out to is not very helpful mostly because of how accepting she actually is. She already kind of knows someone who is trans and although she doesn't seem to quite understand the concept (she assumed that it meant that I must like girls until recently) she isn't asking me any questions about it. I wish she would since that might make it clearer to myself, but I don't know how I'd get her to.
I don't know, maybe the normal stuff like how I knew or what I'm planning to do about it or something? Because it's like I came out to a rock. Not much of a step up from admitting it to myself. ---------- Post added 21st Apr 2014 at 06:39 PM ---------- It would be nice to even have her doubt me a little or something, rather than acting like it's nothing.
*clears throat, fakes girl voice* How did you know? Why do you feel that you might be a guy? Maybe you're just socially awkward? When did you start feeling this way? If you're a guy then what do you want to do about it? Do you want to cut your hair? Change clothes? Change pronouns? Have surgery to lop off your breasts? Well, well... waiting... :dry:
Lolol. *Facepalm* Fine, okay... it wasn't like I suddenly knew I was trans, but one day I saw that you could actually transition to become the other gender and I was literally like, "my dreams can come true!" And then I thought, "wait, would it really be worth it? I guess I don't need to become a guy", and then I forgot about it for a while, and then I thought about it again and realized that it might be more necessary than I thought before. I'm not socially awkward! How dare you say that, I thought you knew and understood me! I thought we were so close, best friend. *tear* I'm actually pretty cool, in my mind at least. I feel I might be a guy because... ack, darn it, hard question! I feel like that's me? Like that's how I see myself 20 years from now, you know, when I'm rich and famous and achieving all my dreams and such? I do feel rather envious of the bodies a lot of cis guys have in my class as well. And here she'd go, "eww, why would you want to be them?" like any good lesbian would do. I realized that you can be transgender last year, so I guess you can say that I started feeling this way then, but something literally has always been off. I didn't have the typical gender dysphoria symptoms, but I've been depressed, and felt lost and was very socially anxious at one point. So that could relate, but it's impossible to tell now. I've already cut my hair but I do want it cut shorter next time because it's growing in and I hate that. Why couldn't it grow that fast when I actually wanted my hair long? I definitely want to wear guys' clothes. Guys' clothes are cool. Yep, I want to change pronouns. I'm okay without having top surgery currently, since there's basically nothing there anyway. But in the future, maybe. That literally took me forever to type. I should just multi-text this to her whether she wonders these things or not so at least she doesn't think that she's got 10 other friends who all feel the same way anymore.
And now, you see, that's where I run into problems. There's no one else to tell but my parents and even though I feel ready and I've thought about this a lot and my certainty has been unwavering recently, I've been told that this is a big step, and I should wait longer to be sure of myself. I am sure of myself, but I've had the problem in the past of being sure of things that I later reject completely. I don't know if I should trust myself on this one.
I'm in a bit of a similar place. What I'm trying to do is to identify small, incremental steps in the direction that I think I'm going. Then I'll try them out, one at a time. I'm very, very early in all this, so it'll be a while before I have to decide about taking any action that's irreversible (coming out to family or at work; hormones; surgery), but there's quite a bit I can do (hairstyle, buying different clothes, going out with friends with a different presentation from my assigned gender, etc.) between now and then. That's the plan this week, anyway :icon_bigg
You could try thinking of a name you like... And perhaps procuring more masculine clothes... just thoughts...
I might have thought of a name, but there's not much use for it yet. I'm working on my wardrobe, but I've gotta admit that I've been putting off any big shopping trips. I suck at clothes shopping; I get so overwhelmed. Maybe I should stop putting it off and give it a shot, though.
All the clothes! Too many choices! Haha, more of a personal problem. I can't even decide what to order when I go to restaurants. I will try, though. But would my parents wonder if I came home with only androgynous-looking clothes? Oh well, nothing else to do but commence a "tomboy" phase...
