Getting worse >.<

Have you ever entered a competition of some sort?

Before you find out the competition exists it makes no difference to you.

When you find out the competition exists and you find out what the prize is, it interests you but you can keep going. You may feel urges to enter it, but you can go on without it.

Then you enter the competition. Now you really want to win, after all if you didn't want to win you wouldn't have entered! It feels important. You'll be upset for a while if you don't win. How upset you are will depend on how much effort it took to enter and what the prize is.

From the minute you enter until the point they declare the winner you are going to be full of anticipation. The longer they wait to reveal the winners the more it is going to matter.

The same is happening to you.

You've accepted who you are. You've entered the competition. Your entry fee was massive, you had to completely rethink who you are and grow to accept it. The prize is being who you want to be. It is worth EVERYTHING.

Now you're waiting for the end of the competition and hoping you'll win the prize.

 

Probably because you are here. You get confronted with other people's stories over and over, and you keep concentrate on it. Maybe you need to find something else for a while. That doesn't mean that you will stop being trans. But honestly, you need to wait several years for transition. Try to find a way how to be happy during that time.
Your brain is an incredibly powerful thing. You know you didn't always hate your body. Try to go back to those days - for a limited time.
You can look at it as at a holiday you wanted to spend elsewhere. You can either cry, or make the best out of it. It's temporary. (*hug*)

---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2014 at 12:34 PM ----------

Yes, this and what Holly said.

 

That's a good analogy!
Helped me understand what I'm going through too!

 

Ugh...

You and me both. You're half my age by the way, be thankful you figured it out so soon.

(*hug*)

 

Yeah, I wish I'd realised what it was I was feeling at 15-16. I'd be so much happier now!

 

I think I've got you both beat wrt age of realization.

Hey, I know! (SARCASM) Let's play a game of Who's Got It Worst! (/SARCASM)

 

Unfortunately, it always gets worse before it gets better. Ours is not an easy state of being under the given societal structure. In an ideal world, there would be some way to identify ourselves early on and transition in whatever ways were appropriate for us... but there isn't.

There does emerge an aspect of competition in "queer spaces." I was once told that I was too "academic" to be transgender. Umm... since when are transguys dumb? The point is that people who are insecure will often go to great lengths to undermine you. Even without that, hearing about people who are further along in transition can also be disheartening. I feel that no matter what, I won't pass and that bothers me but I try to focus on the things that I can control.

I guess if you can just focus on little things that you can control, tiny victories in your ultimate journey. Maybe it's styling your hair differently. Maybe it's getting a lip gloss. Maybe it's writing "I am a girl no matter what else is happening." I can't tell you what will help but just look for small things. Look for stillness in yourself.

 

I can relate to this. I've done everything I can to transition and be myself now. But now I'm stuck waiting for the next stage. I feel jealous when I see other FtM's who are already on HRT and seeing how well it makes them look.

Just take it a day at a time. And I agree with Mia, I wish I'd worked it out at 15/16. Would've saved me a whole lot of confusion! xD

 

I just told my parents dog that I'm a girl. Know what he did?

Panted and wagged his tail. If people were that non judgemental and happy.

 

This has made me want a pet puppy even more

 

I wish he could tell me he loves me and that things would be ok.

 

I was hiding under your porch because i love you - YouTube

 

My dog doesn't talk... But aww...

 

So cuuuuuuteee!!!

 

I too am experiencing this. It actually kept me from sleeping last night.

Perfectly said!

This also.

(&&&)