I was looking back at my life, wondering where the line between being transgender and not being transgender is, thinking that maybe I'll wake up one day and realize I'm trans after all. That maybe I'm in some kind of a denial, an intermediate stage, the same way when I couldn't acknowledge that I'm into women right away, but took an intermediate step thinking I'm bi because it was less painful and felt less scary that way. I don't know. I remember how much I hated when my boobs started to grow, remember binding and how I didn't want anyone to see my chest naked, how I couldn't undress even in front of doctor without crying. I remember how paralyzed I used to be during my period, how I cut my hair myself only a few millimeters short... It was me back then and I seriously have no idea what happened that I've grown, more or less, to come to terms with the body I have. Did I suppress everything because it was too painful to deal with? I've always known that I'm more on the male side, both in expression and identity, but don't remember ever thinking that I'm a boy, I was just wishing to be one. I don't hate my boobs anymore, they just get in the way sometimes when I realize I can't wear all the clothes I'd like to. I don't mind having a vagina but not having a penis feels so unfair because I should have been born with one. I try not to make it a big deal but it leaves a void. I realized that I would have probably wanted my own child if I could get a woman pregnant the natural way, but I have female genitals and just the idea of sperm inside me makes me panic, let alone carrying a baby. It's nice to pass as a dude now and then but living it 24/7 wouldn't feel right, I believe. That doesn't mean that I want to be seen as a woman either. Sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. It's not important to know most of the time so I don't think about it often, occasionally there are moments when I'm wondering though.
There can be a fine line sometimes between identity and expression. And accepting something about ourselves that automatically places us "outside" of the societal bell curve can be difficult. It could be that you simply have less social dysphoria than body dysphoria; it could be that neither one is too severe. You sound like you're trans* but no one can give you an identity. I'd recommend that you focus upon yourself and think about whether or not you ultimately feel like a man, a woman, both, or neither one. Take expression out of it and go with your heart.
