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Concerns on passing

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Gates, Apr 24, 2014.

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  1. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    I don't know why but this is really my only seemingly unresolvable "issue" with being trans. I can have top surgery, probably even keyhole so, minimal scarring. My name has been corrected years ago. And I have a pretty androgynous build so, with a bit my exercise, I think that I could actually like my body. But. My face isn't masculine, really. Not really feminine, either but I'm almost always read as female. I'm not bad looking but my biggest fear is that this will be a huge problem socially. Not for me but for any family I might have in the future. Like, I'm worried that if I get married, it'll make things difficult socially for my wife. I'm worried that my kids will get picked on. And I know that all of this is many years in the future but still, this is a major hang-up for me.

    Anybody else? And has anyone developed strategies for dealing with these kinds if situations?

    Are these even fears that you think are much justified?
     
    #1 Gates, Apr 24, 2014
  2. Miiaaaaa

    Miiaaaaa
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    Things I think most of us worry about!
    As for how to deal, I have no idea. :/
     
    #2 Miiaaaaa, Apr 25, 2014
  3. Kasey

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    I don't think you're gonna get much sage advice from me considering where I'm at...

    But of course you can always depend on me for hugs and to cry. I'm good at that lately.

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
    #3 Kasey, Apr 25, 2014
  4. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    Blurgh... at least I've got my girls. :wink:

    I dunno, I honestly think this is part of why I don't date. I won't tolerate having my girlfriend/ wife treated differently because of me - because of something that shouldn't even matter. I'm just frustrated... :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #4 Gates, Apr 25, 2014
  5. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    I have the same worries, even if I don't think about my kid(s) because I don't want to be a father, I believe I'm not be able to be a good one.

    About my future wife? I don't know. I thought some possibilities, such as to present ourselves as a gay couple (even if we are a straight one)...

    ....In the meanwhile that I'm thinking about it, I go to eat a sandwitch. [​IMG]
     
    #5 FireSmoke, Apr 25, 2014
  6. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    I just ate one actually! :grin:

    And why don't you think you'd be a good father?? :frowning2: That's about the only thing that I am confident about; I'm great with kids/ like being in a parental role.
     
    #6 Gates, Apr 25, 2014
  7. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    Just because I'm not good with children, I'm too cold. Unlike with dogs, I'm a master because I can talk with them perfectly even if they can't communicate with words.
     
    #7 FireSmoke, Apr 25, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2014
  8. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    Fair enough. I love kids and want maybe 3...
     
    #8 Gates, Apr 25, 2014
  9. FireSmoke

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    3? Oh, god...you want to be a family man! :grin:
     
    #9 FireSmoke, Apr 25, 2014
  10. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    Yep!!!
     
    #10 Gates, Apr 25, 2014
  11. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    Good! :thumbsup:
     
    #11 FireSmoke, Apr 25, 2014
  12. Dryad

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    I've heard that shaving the "peach fuzz" of your face can help... Seriously, I don't know. :/
    (I suppose you don't want to take the hormones.)
     
    #12 Dryad, Apr 25, 2014
  13. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    Peach fuzz, hahaha!! :lol: I haven't had that since I was about 10. I actually have a lot of coarse, black facial hair. But I do shave... daily... sometimes twice because I get a bit of regrowth over the day. :eusa_doh:

    However, it's great advice for most! Just not this hairy beast... :roflmao:
     
    #13 Gates, Apr 25, 2014
  14. Calix

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    My nan actually had all the worries you're talking about. She asked me to promise not to have them ... but truthfully I've got no clue. I guess my biggest fear in that area is what if the person I'm with wants biological ones? It's why me and my ex broke up, he could accept I was trans, but not adopted children in the future.

    *sigh* Guess I'll just see where life takes me. But if you want kids, then have them. Don't worry about judgements. Besides, they'll call you Daddy and clear up any questioning quickly that way :slight_smile:
     
    #14 Calix, Apr 25, 2014
  15. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    Jeez, I'll never understand why people are obsessed with having biological children. A kid is a kid. They're like awesome little aliens learning to be human. <3 The only reason I've considered the surrogacy route is if I can't marry, it'd be easier legally. I dunno. It'd be awesome to have any kids, honestly.
     
    #15 Gates, Apr 25, 2014
  16. Stacy in MA

    Stacy in MA
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    These are totally reasonable fears - and ones that lots of us have from the other end. There are many people who already have the spouse and kids who feel they can't live openly as who they are for many of the exact reasons you express. For what it's worth, I think you have the benefit of facing these issues head on with a partner that already knows and accepts you fully. I'm sure it won't be easy, but having a family is clearly important to you, and I'm sure you have already overcome similar fears and obstacles already and won't let these ones stand in your way either.

    I may be overly optimistic, but I truly believe that we are becoming a much more accepting society. While we still have so far to go, I am amazed at how far we have come over my adult lifetime. You could not have convinced the college me that the 41-year-old me would be living in state and country both governed by African Americans, down the street from a legally married gay couple with adopted children and jobs in traditionally conservative fields. I am hopeful that when you look back in 15 years, with a wife and family, that you will be similarly amazed.
     
    #16 Stacy in MA, Apr 25, 2014
  17. Dryad

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    Wow :grin: Idk, maybe it will grow thicker if you shave it. xD
    You seem meant to be a parent, btw ^^
     
    #17 Dryad, Apr 25, 2014
  18. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    :icon_bigg Thank you! (*hug*)
     
    #18 Gates, Apr 25, 2014
  19. Kasey

    Kasey
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    So you're a guy who hates facial hair?
     
    #19 Kasey, Apr 25, 2014
  20. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    No, if I grew a full beard, I'd keep it. But I just grow hair in weird patches like all over. I have chest hair! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #20 Gates, Apr 25, 2014
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