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Coming to terms as a masculine female while with an alpha male, advice?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by gia, Apr 24, 2014.

  1. gia

    gia
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    Hello.
    Im coming to terms with my gender fluidity at 28, as a female with say 70% male 'energy'. This was a very distressing and private issue throughout life.

    So now its time to relax and be myself, but im in a longterm relationship with an alpha male. Though I love him, I see how his presense challanges and represses my masculinity, which leaves me frusterated and ultimately angry and emotional about it, feeling unbalenced. He was a man I onced idealized with 'penis envy', I wished I could be him. I also always tried to be more feminine due to perceived pressure from society, even friends and family. Ignorant I know, but I wasnt aware of gender fluidity at all and thought you were either born in the wrong body completely or are comfortable 100% w your sex. Was baffled by how I felt so kept it private.

    I prefer male friends and thats always been a struggle because of obvious reasons. But now I think I could bond with males as friends being secure with myself, relate on thier level without being seen as something to screw (as much).

    But the biggest problem is my relationship, almost 6 years. Hes aware of my "gender stuggle" but isnt supportive and even polks fun at it, pushing for more femininity, but he does not want to break up.

    We dont live together, both live with fam while getting financially straight enough to buy rather than rent. So its just when I see him that I need to be feminine, but what about long term.

    Im not sure I can be happy with him, and I feel for him. He'd be fine without me im sure but hes either really insecure, really loves me, or both, because ive brought up going our own ways several times over the past few yrs and he never wants to, dispite the obvious issues that arise from what I think is ultimately our gender ratios. Its a power struggle and hes emotionally immature on top of it.

    I guess I know it is what it is just wondering if anyone else has been in similar shoes or has advice to offer. .. thanks :help:
     
  2. gia

    gia
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  3. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    He has to respect you. If he pushes you for femininity, that's not your thing, and he knows it but he doesn't give a fuck...

    ...he doesn't really love you.


    Don't see the ages of being together. They don't say nothing about the true/fake love. The respect of the partner is the most important thing! The true love is from that.

    Keep calm and take your time. Talk to him face to face and see if he understands your feelings. If you don't see any diligence, if I were in your shoes, I could take in consideration the idea to break up with him. But don't be hurry for that. Be sure of the lack of diligence from him before taking relevant decisions.

    I say this to you because I'm not-binarist too and if I have a girl who treats me like a woman, I will hate her for the rest of my life because she doesn't respect me.


    Don't suppress you identity. You deserve of a person near to you that could love for the real you, not for the fake you.


    Hope this helps (*hug*).
     
  4. Just Jess

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    Hi Gia,

    Sorry you haven't had a lot of replies.

    My ex and I are still great friends and dating other people. Your situation reminded me of one of her relationships. They have very different political views on some things. That by itself is not a deal breaker, but the way he was about it was terrible for her. His facebook was an echo chamber with everyone agreeing with everyone. Whenever she disagreed there, even politely, he would delete her comments and send her an angry PM. He would talk over her a lot and basically had to be right about everything, not at all interested in her point of view. Very "type A", which clashed with her, because she is used to being able to speak her mind. I was SO glad when she moved on to someone else, she was just either miserable and sad or angry, pretty much always.

    And before that, I had my own struggle with not being me in my relationship with her. I was no saint either and I don't like bringing this up because we have reconciled and are more independent. But I know all about the power struggle too. Every time I would pull away, she would be more and more dependent on me and try harder to make me the "man" I used to be.

    So I mean neither is the same situation, but I think there are enough similarities for me to share some of what I noticed.

    I really don't think your guy is going to give you permission to be you. But that's okay, because I also don't think you should have to ask. He can push, but he can't decide what you wear for you. If you have a relationship with him, he needs to be honest with himself and you as far as what he needs out of it, and if it's something you just can't give him, no number of power plays are going to make that happen.

    If you want a relationship with him you do need to take his feelings into account. A big fear from him is how his friends and family will react. It's easy for you and I to say that's stupid, that no one that shallow is worth keeping in his life. But I myself have some extended family I never talk to, that I don't plan on ever telling that I'm trans, just because I don't want to put myself through that kind of crap for no good reason. So from that point of view, I can sympathize with my ex and your guy. It has to be terrifying for them, just as much as the closet is terrifying for any of us. And they don't see any real benefit. It's hard to argue with those feelings, because it's hard even to admit them. I mean, "I'm afraid my friends will think I'm henpecked" ? You see how that sounds? So the all to real fear is there, but with no way to deal with it.

    So as big a fear as it is, it is completely unfounded. His friends and family will respect the boundaries of his relationship. I really think, once you have been yourself long enough for him to get used to it, and he sees that his worst fears were unfounded, that things will get better between you two. It sucks being at odds with him like this, I know. But if you just do things completely his way, you'll both just be stuck where you're at forever.