Please help? I don't know who I am anymore...

I've started a couple threads here but I think I've been too stoic and logical to get the kind of responses I'm looking for.

So this is me being emotional. Because why not? If this goes horribly somehow and I end up regretting it I'll just cut ties and delete my account. Yay anonymitiy!

So here's the deal. I'm not really sure what I am, gender-wise, and it's been really bugging me for the past month or so, although I've been thinking about it for much longer than that (couldn't tell you how long; I haven't been keeping track, but it feels like awhile now).

I've bounced between masculine and feminine and both and neither (never presenting differently than my biological sex, mind you; too afraid to do that, just bouncing around with how I feel) and even though I've identified as cisgender most of my life, as of the past few months, I feel like I don't know who or what I am anymore. When I look back, I think that there have been signs throughout my life that I dismissed or repressed, but then again that could just be confirmation bias. I don't know. All I know is that it's really bothering me....

I chafe at being confined to identify as my biological sex. Like, the thought of continuing to do so for the rest of my life seems abhorrent. But I also don't feel like I'm the opposite gender on the binary (sorry for not being specific, but I'm avoiding mentioning my biological sex because I don't feel like disclosing that), and to transition completely and live as that gender seems equally abhorrent.

Sometimes I feel like a man, sometimes a woman, usually a dynamic mix of both. Is that okay? Is that fair? I mean, duh, of course it is, if I said otherwise that would be really offensive to anyone who identified as bigender, genderfluid, etc., but there's some nagging feeling at the back of my mind that keeps telling me that I'm being selfish, or that this is a phase, or that I'm just indecisive and can't pick one gender to settle on, so I'm unfairly trying to be two at the same time, or that I just think it would be "cool" somehow to identify as something on the genderqueer spectrum and I'm lying to myself, or that I really do belong on the binary but I'm confused, or that I have no "right" to feel this way, or that I just think to much, and this voice WILL NOT SHUT UP.

When I think about spending the rest of my life as a man, I feel disconnected. I try to imagine it, but I think "that's not me."
When I think about spending the rest of my life as a woman, I feel disconnected. I try to imagine it, but I think "that's not me either."
When I think about spending the rest of my life as someone who either forgoes the binary, or moves along it day by day, presenting as I like depending on how I feel...it's liberating. I imagine it, and I think "that is me."

But what if I'm "wrong" somehow? What if in a year, I doubt myself and look back on myself with shame, because it turned out this was just some kind of phase? What if I accept this "new" identity, come out to my friends and family, and then doubt myself later? How would they react if I took back what I said before (assuming I'm ever brave enough to come out to them in the first place)? "Lol, sorry guys, I'm not genderfluid/bigender/whatever, it was just a phase."

I don't...

I just...

I don't know. Someone please slap me for being so...whatever it is I'm being. I feel ashamed...like I'm doing something wrong by posting this. Like I'm doing something wrong by feeling this way. Like I'm wrong about my feelings. Am I even making sense at this point? I should probably stop typing before this post devolves into inane, bat-shit-crazy ramblings.

Just...leave comments, if you will. I could use some kind of human interaction with people who can hopefully understand my situation. Feel free to tell me how stupid and immature I'm being. If that's the case, I need to hear it.

 

Thank you for the reply.

You're right, I should listen to myself and go with what feels liberating to me. You're probably also right about taking it slow, but I guess the reason I don't like the sound of that is that it means spending more time being referred to by gendered pronouns I don't identify with and presenting a way that only sometimes feels right, and even then only kind of. Taking it slow would be the rational thing to do, but continuing to live like this sounds dreadful.

Oh well. I suppose it can't be that bad to deal with it for awhile longer while I figure stuff out...I've been doing it all these years, after all. What's another couple months or so compared to so many years? Except...it doesn't feel that way in the moment. I want to do something about this NOW, but I don't know what, and as I said before, I'm afraid of making a mistake or mis-identifying myself.

Anyway, I agree that I should place less importance on the reactions of others. Thanks again for your reply.

 

That makes sense.

No, I won't slap on a label anytime soon. I've been sort of tempted to do so (if you read some of the other threads I've posted you'll see that), since "genderfluid" resonates with me on many levels, but it's too early to be sure. I've made hasty decisions and regretted them before, so I'll feel this one out a bit more before I do anything drastic.

I'll talk to people I trust about this and maybe ask my therapist what a good "next step" would be to figuring these things out.

Thank you for your help. You're remarkably wise for your age.