Still need some help figuring out my situation...

So, my little gender line in the little box thingy says 'pretty much male'. It's like that because, I'm not 100% sure. I've identified the things that are keeping me from going ahead and accepting who I am or who I might be. I just need some help deciding if these are relevant, common things that occur with this process or if these are real reasons to question myself and stop it all together.

The first issue, is that guy. You know the guy from this post, "Our only connection has been through email, but the thing is, he doesn't know that I've been questioning and that I'm slowly working towards being more masculine. My main thing is: when he refers to me female, I really don't mind. I don't know if it's because it's only online or what, but one reason that keeps me from going full on trans is this issue that nags at the back of my mind. When anyone else calls me by female pronouns or my birth name it hurts me, but I feel almost nothing with him. " That's the thing there, any input would be lovely.

Next is that sometimes I don't mind being feminine. There are somedays where I wake up and I love my body for all that it is and I love all my curves and I just want to wear dresses and everything! But, then I do wear dresses that day and then I feel less confident in myself, more anxious and just not okay. This happens almost every night now too though. I'll look at myself in the mirror and think 'damn I'm a fine ass woman(!)' and then I'll feel guilty for wanting to be the opposite gender, because maybe I'm okay with myself the way I am now.

Then, my family. I love them, or at least my Dad and grandparents, and I want them to love me. When they first found out that I've dated girls, they lost it. My entire family was so horrible to me for a month, almost driving me to suicide, before I gave up and said I was confused and that I didn't know. To lose them over this, especially if it turns out I'm wrong, hurts more than I can say. To know that I might not be able to see Gabe, to leave him alone in this house, is almost unthinkable.

Finally, money. This is a process that involves money, especially if I come out and lose my house. I have the money to support myself, but I'm underage, so I can't go out and get a place of my own, and I have other obligations for some of this money that I can't back out of now.

I thank anyone for reading and for any help they can offer on any of these issues!(*hug*)

 

I took into consideration before that I might be genderfluid or bigender, but it didn't feel right before. Maybe it was because I was almost always on the masculine end of the spectrum. Although, I won't eliminate it as a possibility entirely.

That sounds a lot like what I'm feeling, Calix! Once I started presenting as more masculine two months ago I was so confident and happy! Except, now I'm still a bit unsure and stressed about hiding from my family.

The guy has told me that he doesn't care what gender anyone is, but I'm not 100% sure on his views of transgender people. If anything, he's just a bit ignorant on the subject. He's already told me that he loves me as a person no matter what and I would love for him to refer to me as male, or at least in the neutral way that everyone has been, but I'm still worried about how it's going to end up. I also think it's better to tell him face to face whenever it is we meet again though.

Another question, if no one minds, am I too young to question this? Is this some sort of phase?

(Sorry this is a tad unorganized, I couldn't make my computer do the quotey thing and I deleted everything I wrote before when I tried to make it work. -_-)