Hi I've recently started transitioning and all is going well and I am very happy to say that I can finally go on hormones in two months. However, the closer I get to any progression whatshowever, the harder it gets. I'm getting really dysphoric about my current body and way of acting, also my voice. Below is a summary of my feelings and thoughts at the moment but you can skip to the last paragraph at the bottom if you don't want to read through it all. My parents are very supportive and encourage me to try and dress myself more feminine as my mom bought some clothes and gave me some of her own but it's very difficult for me to try and dress girly when I don't feel like a girl. We tried plenty of things, such as make up, going out shopping togheter and I even got a very gender neutral haircut which I often experiment with but at the moment it's not helping. I feel very isolated and sheltered, as if nobody can really understand me and most of the times I don't even understand my feelings myself. I am so desperate to make drastic changes (my eyebrows being a very big issue at the moment) but I feel unsure as to whether I want to come out yet. Nobody but my family (including my aunts/uncles from both my mother's and father's side) and some very close family friends are aware of my situation. I'm very convinced it will be a shock if I suddenly come out at school and I'm afraid of getting bullied despite most of the people I've came out to being supportive so far. The plan was to wait until summer vacation since I'd be on hormones then and we would make the big jump (i.e. female clothes, female nouns, etcetera) during that period, so I would actually go to school as a girl and not while I was still transitioning. Nevertheless, that's not the point. I've been feeling hopeless and weak for about four days now and I don't want to feel like it any longer. Do you guys have any advice on what I can do to make myself feel more feminine? I personally can't believe I look feminine when I don't feel feminine. Maybe it's just in my head, but it's so difficult for me. P.S. Sorry for any grammatical mistakes, I'm foreign and I'm very tired. (I also changed 9000+ things because I was too shy to post the thread). If something isn't clear, please ask and I'll gladly reply and emphasize.
Maybe you could join some activity outside of school and except for at school, transition everywhere else (i.e., be a girl at home and after school)?
I can relate to this a lot. I'm actually out everywhere and being myself everywhere. But when I'm on my own I'm very aware that I don't look like a guy, therefore i don't feel complete. I'm still in the six month waiting list to see the doctor to hopefully get put on hormones xD Its great to hear your parents are being supportive Have you discussed this with your school? If the teachers know in advance they can put plans in place for if/when bullying does occur.
Hey, thanks for replying. I'm not really an outgoing person. I despise people and I'm generally a very shy and awkward person so I don't believe participating in an activity will help me. I have abit of a negative past when it comes to school-related (or after school) activities. Also, it'd be great for me to act feminine at home and school but it feels incredibly awkward doing so when I don't actually feel feminine. Also, it did cross my mind to ask my parents to go to school and discuss the issue(s) with them. I'm actually fairly certain that they will do so regardless of me asking them but I'm still kind of anxious. It's also great to hear that you're making progress yourself, I hope all turns out well for you.
