Has this happened to anyone?

I'm not sure if it's quite the same thing, I'm certainly not OK with my body..

I'm sure I could make a reasonable looking guy if I worked out, lost weight and ended up with big muscles and things...I can think of a bunch of 'costumes' I might look good in, or rather, I can imagine a lot of outfits that would look good.

Thing is I can imagine A GUY who has my face and that guy might be OK, but it isn't me and if it was I wouldn't be happy...

 

Well you can always give it a shot and see how you feel while doing it. Some guys like to crossdress, so it wouldn't make you any less trans if you liked it and still identified as male.

Personally I've never experienced wanting to go back to female clothes, or expressing myself as female. I know once I do I will be overwhelmed with dysphoria, because it's happened several times while wearing "pretty clothes" and make up. So I can't really relate. :/

 

Yes. I have felt like this a few times over the last 15 years... Part of my reason is vanity - I do make a more attractive woman. Part of my reason is power - I'm kinder as myself but as a woman, I crave and wield power effortlessly. I even bought mascara and a women's button down and trousers. I looked good. I also went through an immediate bout of the most severe dysphoria I'd ever felt. I started sobbing and got angry and was wanting to hit things (didn't). I have never had bottom dysphoria except that one night.

I think that it's unsurprising to wonder if our lives would be better somehow if we were able to identify with our assigned sex. For me, the answer was a resounding 'no' but whatever the answer is for you, don't worry too much about what it means or what others think. That battle with dysphoria really taught me: be yourself no matter what.

 

Nah. I've never wanted to go back, to be honest. But have thought it'd be easier. I actually did worry, when I found my dysphoria lessening and realized I'd be okay with using my original parts for sex that that meant I wasn't legitimate even though rationally, if I knew had a buddy had the same concerns I would've been like 'pfft. Dude. You're fine."

I realized, once I was able to stop wearing female clothing and never had to step foot in a Forever 21 again, that I didn't miss it whatsoever. I do, however, kinda miss having so many stores available- seems my clothes buying options are kinda limited, least in my area you don't see a lot of male centered clothing stores. But still, long as I can pick up something I like, it checks out.

 

See I'm not heavily bodily dysphoric (actually i wish i had an even more feminine face... a lot) but for sure I am socially.

So I can understand not transitioning medically. Don't think I ever (well... never say never) will but you best believe I'm going to be the best female I can be.

Be happy with you.

 

I've felt that way a handful of times myself. Just think " You know what? I could totally be a guy again. "There's even been a handful of times I think about wearing typical guy clothes if only for a day. But then I remember how miserable I was and decide to dress as me. I've gotten a literal metric crap ton of confidence since I started this journey and minus a few hiccups I've felt happier.

 

I actually have a friend who is on T and you wouldn't think he was born a woman, but he wears dresses and works out as well. He just likes to wear dresses, the end. But he said that he doesn't think of himself as a woman, he just feels comfortable with wearing dresses or female clothing because it's just clothing. Nothing else.

 

This is something I think about often, like, I have these mixed feelings about myself and my presentation - I know I'm not female, and I'm certainly a lot more comfortable living/being male, because I am male..ish. I'm a feminine enough guy, and I do like wearing feminine items of clothing but I think I'd rather be able to pass as male, still, instead of coming across as a "dyke" in a dress.

I've been on a low dose of T because of my own uncertainty, and I'd say it's been working out quite well. I've contemplated quitting medically transitioning, but I don't really think it's worth it because I still experience a lot of dysphoria and I'd rather stay on it. But sometimes I do contemplate what it'd be like to detransition, grow out my hair again, and live as female. but if anything I'd be miserable beyond belief. For some reason I feel this weird sense of "guilt" at times for having these kinds of thoughts, or presenting more femininely, but ultimately I can do that and still be male.

 

I thought about that at the age of 13-14. I dressed very feminine and was trying to "become woman".


Then one day, I saw myself in the mirror.

"Robin. Fuck off, you're a dude"


So I gave all the dresses to my sister Just because I'm thrifty

 

As yet, I identify as bigender, or maybe genderfluid. And I have thoughts exactly like this. The difference is that do actually pursue presenting as and thinking of myself as a male for days at a time. (Of course, I actually have to for my job, but I typically change into my female clothing when I get home--except when I feel like this.) Just a few weeks ago, that's precisely how I was. Woke up on a Monday morning, start of the work week, and I was like, "What's with all this female gender stuff and female clothing? Psssh." And for a solid week, I felt more or less 100% male. Yet, by the seventh day, the female feelings came back, replete with the desire to be and present female, and it hasn't receded for more than a day or so since.

It's kind of remarkable to me to read that even people identifying as trans sometimes entertain these notions of coming back "to the light side". (Then again, these notions seem fleeting for you guys, whereas for me they've been known to last weeks.) Does this mean I could possibly be trans too, not simply bigender/genderfluid? Getting confused again...

 

Yep! I have found that im happy to stop my transition at were i am now. I've decided that the next step (medical transition) is not for me, there's changes i would like to get from hormones but at the cost of other changes that i don't want so im fine with where im am now. unfortunately telling my family im not going to pursue medical transition means they think i was going through a phase and am now going to be girly again :bang:. They have started pressuring me to grow my hair, wear makeup, get new clothes to try be 'pretty' to 'get a man' they don't seem to understand that im happy with how i look now even though i was more attractive a few years ago when i had long bleached blonde hair,fake tan fake nails, makeup, dresses... I remember how miserable i was then and won't ever go back to it.

Over Easter i did put on some makeup because the whole family was coming to dinner, it lasted half an hour before i decided i looked like a no talent drag queen and washed it off

There are days where i think i could go back to being girly but when i try it, it just makes me uncomfortable so im stopping here.

 

The 19th-century lives...:dry:

 

The thought of detransitioning has crossed my mind, but I knew if I did, I'd just be pushing myself to an early death. I don't intend on going back now.

 

Yeah, pretty much. I've considered detransition not because it's better for me but because it'd be easier on family/living life. But then, considering how great I feel for the most part now in comparison to where I was, transitioning wins out.

 

So going the other way, pretty much anything lazy is masculine. Gone are the days when I could put my laundry into a huge pile and pull clothes off the top. Screen print shirts make me look incredibly dudely. A lot of cis women can get away with wearing a lot of that stuff. Maybe I will be able to one day.

It really makes me think though... about where this whole "full time" line is supposed to be. I pretty much only wear women's jeans just because I don't like the way men's fit any more. And women wear screen print shirts all the time. But if I do it, I am technically in full female attire - and still don't "pass". Am I "full time" if I do that? If I'm practicing my female voice with people and still getting "sir"? I mean what are women's clothes and men's clothes any more anyway. Yes, there are the obvious ones - skirts, men's suits don't fit right on female bodies - but past that, everything is pretty unisex. I have to have several obvious gender clues to get me "ma'am" anywhere.

When I am dressed so that I couldn't hope to get a "ma'am" I think that's when I feel the most pressure to run in both directions. I want to be completely female, or go back into the closet. It doesn't last; I think about the way things were, and about the things that changed since I started down this road. A guy is still not something I want to be. But yeah, sometimes, "sir" feels like "oh you silly silly person, you know this is never going to work".

So in a way it's freeing. I can pretty much wear anything I want, because it's not like people will gender me correctly anyway. But sometimes I do just want to throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and just go back. It's less "I would make an awesome guy" and more "this is way easier, why don't I just play video games and take my mind off things like I used to". And it sucks being in that position, because I don't want a whole lot of people treating me like a guy. But I also don't want to wear all my good clothes right away, or make people that know about my past and my situation nervous.

Sometimes too, I feel like, "you know what, I wasn't that bad looking". I mean... after having been in a relationship, I know one of those wouldn't work with me as a boy. But sometimes I feel like... maybe being single isn't so bad anyway. I could just be one of those people that goes to work and comes home and works on my own stuff every day. I do have roommates, it's not like I'd be terribly lonely. And I am good at what I do.

But I always remember what it was like lying to me and everyone around me. Both my work at work and my work at home would suffer if I wasn't being me, or if I didn't feel like I was digging myself out of this situation. And I remember what it was like when I did try to go back into the closet. So yeah, that keeps me going more than anything. If I feel like running away from the situation I'm in it may as well be running forward.

 

I get this sometimes. Then I remember how much I hated wearing dresses/skirts/make-up. I've gained a lot more confidence since dressing/presenting as male. I'm also pretty sure that if i ever detransitioned my parents would go "Ha, you're not a guy". And not take me seriously if I then went back to transitioning >.>;

I'm actually surprised by how little I have these thoughts. I mean I have them in terms of "It would make everything easier". But when I think about what would make me happy, it's always being a guy.