Getting my thoughts and feelings out

I don't feel dysphoria,

I know that I've had this thought of wanting to be a girl, or wishing I had been one

DOES NOT COMPUTE. DOES NOT COMPUTER. E-RROR. E-RROR. Good thing my head is filled with paradox absorbing crumple zones!

But in all seriousness, what do you think dysphoria is exactly?

Because I'm going to be honest from what you've written it sounds like dysphoria hit you like a TRAIN!

 

Well it hits people differently.

Take me for example. I lived 23 years not caring in the slightest about my body. Didn't love it, didn't hate it. Wasn't happy with it, but then most people aren't. At the very least I can say I didn't feel the kind of dysphoria I feel NOW.

If you look on my profile you'll see a picutre of me from last year. As you can see (assuming you looked) I had a goatee beard and short hair. I wasn't a fan of the short hair, but the beard I liked. I like beards.

Since you are new here I doubt you;ll have heard me talk about the girl in my head, so I'm going to tell you a little bit about her.

I don't remember when she turned up but I know she was definitely there when I was 16. I didn't think much of her at the time, she was just there. She acted out emotions in response to things. If something good happened, she would jump for joy, if something sad happened she cried. I basically just felt crap. The easiest way I can describe it is that she felt me emotions for me and allowed me to carry on as a vacant and frequently angry person.

I got the word 'cute' stuck in my head. I assume the girl put it there. I would think how it would be amazing to be cute every so often and then snap out of it and wonder what the heck was going on. I'm 6'3 and BIG, why would I be cute...and I'm a dude, and dudes aren't cute.

I used to put my hair in pigtails and plaits and things and it felt good for reasons I couldn't explain.

Now keep in mind, this was going on between the ages of 16 and 23. At no point during this time was I sitting there thinking about having breasts or hating my penis or body hair or anything else. What I DID have was this persistant invading thought that 'cute girl' was an amazing idea, I would day dream and then I would feel like crap and I never understood why.

It wasn't until early last year I figured out what the problem actually was. I realised that 'cute girl' wasn't just a good idea, it was actually something I could BE. It explained a lot about me. You know, I have a tattoo of Tomo from the manga Azumanga Daiou on my left forearm, and I told the guy when I had it done (age 18) that she represented exactly what I wanted to be, and it STILL took me another 5 years to figure out what I meant by that.

The body dysphoria in the sense you've explained it came later. That started when I accepted who I am inside. Before, I didn't care because being a girl wasn't an option and I was miserable. Then suddenly it WAS an option and my body started to both me, because it ISN'T how it should be. Heck I've been living full time since last october and my penis didn't exactly bother me until very recently.

I don't want to put any words in your mouth so I won't explain what I am thinking the link is between what I've said and you, but I hope that helps a little,

 

Mab, I was very much like you are now, wondering how the hell I'm trans when there never were any strong feelings about being a dude. I grew up wanting to be a girl, using female avatars, always wanting (and usually succeeding) to be on the girls team!
I always used to read people's transitioning stories and watch their videos and not really piece together why I was so into it! Eventually, I joined here questioning everything, but feeling like I was being stupid. After a long time thinking, I just couldn't really take it anymore and knew who I was.

It sounds like you're hitting that point! Not every day is going to be horrible if you aren't transitioning, but the fact that there are days where you want to stay in bed and just cry, welcome to Dysphoriatown!

 

Ugh... I was going to write something poignant but my younger sis beat me to it.

(*hug*) ♡ u Mia!

 

♡ you too sis.

 

♡ you more

 

Dammit, ladies, off-topic and I don't know you anymore. :rolle:

 

Oh so now you pay attention.

 

That was your strategy all along, I'm sure.

mab, if it makes you feel better, I too always thought I was dysphoria-proof since I didn't seem to be experiencing "panic attack"-level stress during these bouts. However, as Ellia posted, I've learned that, yes, dysphoria can take other, more subtle forms. If what you've described in the first post constitutes dysphoria, and Ellia, as well as others here seem to think it does, then I too have definitely experienced dysphoria. And then some.

I've always had maddeningly conflicting thoughts in my head about my gender identity. (Not to mention my sexuality, but that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish.) Since joining EC, genderfluid or bigender seem to be the paradigms that fit me best. However, as in the case of other members here (Kasey, for one, if you don't mind me calling you out), our grasp of what we are can change as we delve ever-deeper inside ourselves. Gender repression is a very real thing and as traumatic a thing as sexual repression. Because society is so cishet, we often bury our selves very deep down inside and sometimes don't really find it till later in life, if ever.

Speaking personally, although I'm relatively confident in my bigender/genderfluid label, I allow for the possibility that I may be full-on trans. I haven't really completely explored this side of myself until fairly recently, so there may yet be a lot left for me to discover. Just this weekend I ordered wig--first ever for me--as a next step in my exploration. I've honestly been trying to put it out of my mind because the experience of wearing it could reveal something I've kept down. However, I know it's a crucial step for me if I am ever going to come to a contented understanding of myself. We'll see how things go...

In short, you can't go wrong with Ellia's advice. Dear Abby's truly got nothing on her.

 

I'm going to highlight a few things you've just said and try to address them as best I can.

I was content with what I had, but I had the impression that this girl thought could give me more.

I know what I WANT to say here, but I won't because I don't want to give you ideas you didn't already have.

Instead, I'm going to ask you to consider something.

I am currently a student. In addition to my studies I do two jobs, one paid and one voluntary, each a few hours a week. In my voluntary role I work in a charity shop. I have been shown how to use cash registers, I know how to deal with customers and stock. In short, I know how to work a retail job. In my paid work, I look after a little boy with very complex needs. I work in his family home making sure he is safe and such.

Eventually my studies will end and I will need to find a full time job. My degree has nothing to do with special needs child care, nor does it have anything to do with retail so we can assume that it has roughly equal value for both fields.

Now we have the background out of the way, we can consider the meat of the thought experiment.

Let's say I finish my studies and I get a job working in a supermarket. I am able to do this job perfectly well. It is not difficult work, the hours are regular and the pay is reasonable. In short we can agree that if I were to work a retail position I would be content.

Now let us consider an alternative. I adore working with children. I have done so for 5 years now in various capacities, however I have found that each position I have held has had significant issues. My first position for example was very low hours (5 per week). My second had more, regular hours but there was a significant amount of unpaid overtime and a lot of stress. My current has sporadic hours, and there are very few per week but the pay is very good. Despite those difficulties with each position I have loved the jobs.

Each of those three positions have been difficult to deal with, but I have had greater satisfaction while working them than I would in a retail environment. In other words these jobs give me more than I am I would get from a retail job, even though a retail job would be less stressful and ultimately a lot easier.

If you were in my position, which career path would you take, retail or childcare?


But why would I change what I have now?

Good question. I suppose that depends on if you think you deserve more than just being content.

I could just forget about everything and continue on with my life.

Could you? I'm prepared to bet that you couldn't forget it if you tried. Not really.

I have this constant fight in my head. That I'm overthinking, why would I be trans, that I'm "just a crossdresser", maybe I just brainwashed myself into dysphoria from reading other trans people's stories, those kinds of stuffs.

Possibly, but something brought you here in the first place.

Would you even allow yourself to be "just a crossdresser"?

 

I relate a ton to what you've said thus far, Mab. And Ellia is so right about the dysphoria thing, in my experience at least. It seems as I've come to accept myself I've started gradually noticing the more typical dysphoria symptoms.

 

See my profile pic...oh wait, the moderators are still dragging their feet. Grr.

For those who are born and/or raised into (varying degrees of) conservative religious families, it seems that the struggle is often that these thoughts and feelings are considered "wrong, sinful even, and must be suppressed and never mentioned or indicated in anyway for fear of reprisal, judgement and condemnation (God hates this, God hates that, you'll go to hell, etc.)"

The author of Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan Swift said this. ---> We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another. -- Jonathan Swift

---------- Post added 1st May 2014 at 04:53 AM ----------

The funny thing is, that's exactly how those in positions of power control the masses, put the fear of God into someone by making them believe that living life on their own terms is somehow anathema to God's will and desires for mankind. Convince people of that 'truth' and you can get them to believe anything.

Do I believe there is God, you're damn rigtht I do, but I stopped buying into the bullshit rhetoric that we must all suffer in order to be worthy of happiness, heaven or anything else that is stated to be one of God's promises for us. Life is God's gift to us, happiness is God's gift to us. Life unfulfilled, unhappy people, people dying never knowing happiness, that is the work of selfish, greedy, power hungry individuals from time immemorial.