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Wanting, not needing

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Katelyn93, Apr 30, 2014.

  1. Katelyn93

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2014
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    59
    Location:
    Pretoria, South-Africa
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I have posted before and every time it feels like I am saying it close to how it is but still incorrectly, and after a while it seems mostly wrong all together. It is like my opinion on or the scenario itself keeps changing, which makes sense but it also make me more and more confused.

    Some days I wake up and the whole cross-dressing issues and thoughts of wanting to be feminine or a woman is gone all together. Other days I dwell on, almost obsess over it, I don't need any of it but I want it so badly. More often it is some shade in between. But it isn't always that either, some days I sit and wonder if it is there at all. I feel at times that if I left it, didn't indulge it or think about it, it might disappear, I feel as if I am just being silly. I cannot fathom how accepting any of this or indulging it will make my life any better, nor actually how it will change anything, not even me. I have however the belief that being a woman will simply, for me, be better, with no reason, no logic, no motivation, nothing attached and that confuses me. At the same time there are days when I realize I am not unhappy to be a guy, I just don't feel happy exactly to be me. It's like a neutral, emotionally void feeling, where as I feel happy at the thought of being a woman. That sounds really stupid, and hardly makes sense but that is how I feel I should describe it now, that will probably change again as well.

    I wonder if it makes me any less permitted to post here at times. I understand that most trans people feel they are their preferred gender, while looking like their biological gender and need to change things, while I am simply on about wanting change, when I do want it since it comes and goes. It seems irrelevant or "fake" by comparison though it is legitimately confusing and bothering me.

    Is it common to change your mind and jump between different stances on the topic while figuring it out?

    As a joke I described myself as different people to someone recently, dividing myself into categories that contained things I like and do that fit together. One of them was Katelyn, whom embodies what I consider the female aspects, or desires to be and dress the part, not a guy being silly. It has caught on for me personally though, and it has calmed a lot of my own confusion. Katelyn... I really like that name. I think she can stay.

    The whole massively confused feeling and the pressured feeling that I have to figure it out now, the life or death feeling it brought on originally, left when I started sharing my thoughts with people, being honest and open. It was as if this giant boulder was removed from my shoulders. I still don't know why I feel like I had to share it, I cannot see it logically making a difference but my calmer mind surely feels it.
     
    #1 Katelyn93, Apr 30, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2014
  2. elishe248

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2014
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Washington DC
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey. I feel you. I am struggling with very similar questions about my own gender stuff. It's ok to question. Can I make some suggestions?

    1. Stop obsessing over whether or not your feelings are "genuine". If there are days when you feel like a girl, have fun with that. Giggle, buy make-up, prance around in a velvet gown and tiara. Whatever bolsters that girl feeling and makes it joyful. On the days that you just feel numb and genderless, experiment with androgyny. Make yourself look gender-impenetrable and laugh at the people who get confused. Enjoy yourself, all of yourself, including your gender. If you can learn to do this, you'll be able to figure out what genders and presentations make you look and feel best.

    2. Don't worry about trying to be a girl all the time. You might be a girl of course, but from your description it sounds like you're not comfortable with that label all the time. Don't fear! There are other words. Look up "genderqueer" "non-binary" "genderfluid" "transfeminine". These are the words that came to mind for me when reading your description. It might be that one or more of them will sound right to you, or that you'll find other words to describe your experience. Get thee to google! Go!

    Whatever happens, talk to us. You sound really scared and confused. We're here to help.