Okay I have a whole bunch of emotions and thoughts that I'm just going to lay on the table because I'm tired of them plaguing me. To anybody who actually manages to read this whole thing, a thousand hugs be blessed upon you! Right, so I recently came to the conclusion that my gender identity and my gender expression don't match up at all. Fantastic, that's one less thing to try and figure out, right? Wrong! Since figuring this out, I've found myself struggling because I want to wear feminine clothing, but then everybody thinks I'm a girl. It's really stupid, and I knew this was going to happen when I figured that out, but I still hate it. And I really don't have any right to hate it, because I haven't come out to anybody yet (other than a teacher and some internet friends) so it's not like I have a valid reason to be upset. They don't know I want to be male, they haven't got a clue! It still hurts though, if that makes sense. Recently I've been dealing with a bout of dysphoria. I haven't had much of it lately because I got really good at ignoring my body and only thinking of it as....well if life was an ocean, then my body would be a boat. I got used to thinking of it as a vessel for my mind and nothing more. This dysphoria is getting to me because we are having great weather right now so I'm wearing shorts and t-shirts, which make me look VERY female. I really hate that I can't wear feminine stuff and still be identified as a guy! I hate it so much! A boy in my third period was wearing nail polish today and I got so irrationally jealous of him because if I wear nail polish people think "GIRL! GIRL! GIRL!" but he can do it and people still think he's a boy. And then I felt so angry at myself for getting pissed off at him when I really don't even know him! And now I'm just disgusted with myself and sad, all over some stupid nail polish! I tried to convince myself that people's perception of me could be changed with T and top surgery, but here I ran into another wall! I've been thinking about both of them a lot lately, and the more I think, the more I realize I don't really want T nearly as bad as I want top surgery. My feelings for the both of these are a complete mess. T and top surgery will make massive changes to a body I've had for 16 years. I know this body inside and out, and I know exactly how it works. I hate this body quite a bit, but I know it. T would change all sorts of stuff about my body, and top surgery would change a big aspect as well. On the one hand, both will make me appear more male, and I would love that. But on the other hand I feel this overwhelming sense of resignation. I feel as if there is absolutely no point in bothering anyway because I only know how to be a girl. The body I have now, while female, is a good body. By most standards it would considered pretty and I feel like I should appreciate that fact and not ruin it by changing it. I feel like I should just resign myself to being a pretty girl because I'm lucky to have a body like this. But on the other hand I REALLY HATE THIS BODY SOMETIMES!!! And thus I run in circles. I made some friends through Tumblr (wonderful site that) and they all call me Andrew, which helps, but I still feel like it's not enough. I want people to see me as a guy. I want it, but I also don't want to have to make massive changes to my body. I want to wear a binder because people will see me as a guy, but then I'll be breaking down perfectly good tissue in my body. Why would I do that?! It's perfectly healthy! I want to have a penis, but the surgeries are so incredibly risky I'm not even going to dip my toes into that pool of thoughts! I'm so incredibly jealous of the male body and I want it to be mine so badly that I sometimes want to throw breakable objects at a wall and scream. And on top of all this, I really want to tell my family, but I feel like that is a very bad idea. Right now my life is moving smoothly in their eyes. I have good grades, I smile a lot, I enjoy life. If I were to tell them then all of that would be thrown to the winds! I love my family, I really do, but I feel like as accepting as they are to the LGBT community, they really wouldn't understand what's going on. Just the other day my mom told me to shut up when I said "bisexual" around my little sister (she's 8 in a week) because apparently Amy is "too young to be hearing that." When they say stuff like that, I feel like there is absolutely no point in me sharing any of this with them. Then I form this whole plan to run to Canada when I'm 18 and just never tell them anything. But I don't want to do that because they're my FAMILY! I love them and I don't want to lose them! I found out about a group near my school that is specifically for LGBT youth, and I really want to go, but guess what! Nearly half the people in my school go there, so it's definitely off limits. I feel completely and utterly stuck in a whirlwind of intense frustration, jealousy, rage, and resignation, and I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! UGH!
Just so we are all clear what is going on here, you are sitting there telling us all these horrible things that are going on in your head and then in the same breath trying to convince us (and yourself) that you should just accept it and move on? Dude, don't be so hard on yourself. You know what, every day for the past 7 months I have worn a skirt. I've worn it because I love it. People still see me as a guy even though I wear it. I avoid wearing trousers because I know it would make things worse. But you know what? I HATE trousers. If I never wear them AGAIN I'll be quite happy. In order to be true to yourself, you wind up presenting as something you're not to other people, I cannot imagine how horrible that must be. You have every right to feel awful about that because it is just cruel.
That is exactly what I'm doing. I'm being very hard on myself, and I can't figure out why I am. I feel like throwing things at a wall and sobbing in a little ball at the same time. When I look in the mirror I get so happy because I look slightly male from my shoulders up. And then I put on skinny jeans, or a shirt, or any of my clothing, and BAM! I'm a girl again. It frustrates me to no end, and I hate how jealous I get of everybody else, because I'm not a jealous person. Having people call me Andrew and use male pronouns really helps, and I want to tell my school and friends what's going on and start using that name and those pronouns, but then I'd have to tell my family, and that is a task I can't even consider right now. I really just wish I had been born with xy chromosomes so I could cross dress as I please and not have to put up with all this.
Hey dude. I absolutely know how you feel. I'm dealing with essentially the same issues. So, some suggestions: 1. When you look at someone and know that they see you as a girl, look at them and think "F@&k you, you idiot." I know it may not be fair, but if you try to make their misgendering of you only a mistake that they are making because you are obviously a guy, it may make you feel better. 2. Get yourself a binder and a packer. Both of these are easily available online. (Check out ftmguide.org for links to sites selling both). This will allow you to play with male presentation while not requiring significant medical interventions. 3. Wait, did you say half your school goes to a group for LGBT youth? Well then. That means that you go to a school full of people who will be happy and helpful as you figure out what you want genderwise. Find some people who go to the group, who you like and can be friends with, and come out to them. Then, you will have people in real life to call you Andrew and know you for the fabulous femme guy you are.
I'm being very hard on myself, and I can't figure out why I am. I can tell you exactly why you're being hard on yourself. When something happens, we look for a cause, when something bad happens we look for the cause so we have something to blame. Who can you blame for your situation? Can't blame the school or your parents or me or your friends or the government or the ghost of Hitler! You've got your brain telling you that things are wrong. You looked for the cause and have decided that the problem is YOU. YOU are to blame and now you're making yourself feel bad about it, because if you convince yourself it's bad, perhaps you'll stop and it will all go away. I did exactly the same thing. I once sat in the staff mens room at the primary school I worked and punched my thighs until they were as bruised and red as can be! I did that because I thought if anyone ever caught me wearing womens underwear like I wanted to, they wouldn't let me work with children. It's something we've all done at on point or another. We blame ourselves for this problem and hope it'll go away. We treat it like a character defect and hope that negative reinforcement will get rid of it, like how a parent tries to stop their child answering back by making them sit on the 'naughty step'. I feel like throwing things at a wall and sobbing in a little ball at the same time. If you need to do that, you know what, go ahead and do it. One time I got so miserable I was banned from doing actual work and had to blockade myself in the school shed. I cleaned the whole thing, took seven bikes apart and put them back together again, hammered nails into the wall, took the doors off and put them back slightly different. Whatever you need to do to get it out, GET IT OUT. It will help.
elishe: Over 90%of the people in my school do not conform to gender expectations, nor are many of them cisgender. I have no problem telling them what's going on, my problem is if I do, what happens when my parents hear someone calling me Andrew or referring to me as he/him? There is no way I could handle that, and I don't want to have one foot in either world either. I want to get a binder and a packer, I'm just saving for them. I have a summer job in order, now I just have to wait and save. Ellia: You are absolutely right. When I think about all that I'm feeling the first thing I do is call myself a freak (which I really shouldn't do because it's very detrimental) and then I have to remind myself that if I'm a freak, then every other person in the trans* community must be a freak too. And since they obviously are not, them I'm not a freak either. I have to talk myself through that every single time. My normal way to get things out would be to go to the gym and swim, but I can't do that either, because swimming just...no. Too much skin showing, too much anything. Shorts I can handle. T-shirts are okay. I can wear a skirt too, but I can't do swimsuits anymore, which feels like a knife to the heart because swimming is something I love deeply and passionately.
