I don't accept myself

Was planning on taking a vacation from EC for a while and focus on getting my life in order but here I am, back already.

This week has been a load of trial and error, highs and lows, thinking I've figured myself out then being thrown back to square one.

I have been meeting up with my gay male friend who knows I'm trans and is visiting my area for a few weeks. I was friends with him before I had any idea about being trans and so initially, meeting with him and going to places we used to hang out before I realised my gender identity brought some confusion. I suppose it connected me back to the person I used to be and surprisingly, this didn't feel like a bad thing. It was quite comforting to feel that sense of familiarity and I felt that although I had realised myself to be a different gender, I was still the same person.

Bringing together the new me and the old me in this way led me to temporarily feel accepting of my past as female. It was still me and it wasn't a lie because I was being the most authentic version of me I could be with the knowledge I had at the time. Having spent time with my friend, for a couple of days I found some temporary relief from my dysphoria. My body still felt wrong but I accepted it for what it is right now and for a short time, accepting my past and all its girlishness, I thought that I had found a new found acceptance of myself as a feminine, maybe even non-binary transguy. I felt kind of happy with this revelation and considered picking up my old interest in design. Maybe I could turn it into a career and make use of my Textiles degree after all. I thought about attending my graduation ceremony as Alex and thought I knew how I wanted to look as a guy (i.e. chinos, shirt and smart shoes type of guy = male equivalent of blouses, smart casual trousers, smart shoes I used to wear). WRONG.

I'm not sure what triggered it but I remember being in the pub with my friend and there being some very blokish loud men in there and then something switched in my brain. It was like I saw those guys and thought that's where I am headed, that is my end destination, to be the most masculine guy that I can possibly be. All of that I wrote above suddenly seemed like the worst idea in the world and made me extremely dysphoric. This extreme masculine mindset keeps coming back and I'm realising perhaps it is trying to tell me that this is where I need to be at, this is who I really am but I keep fighting it off hoping to be something more feminine. This is what led me to realise that I don't accept myself as truly being male. I'm wondering if this has anything to do with my dislike of men since I always look at very masculine men as something I don't aspire to be, physically or mentally. Yet there's something that's telling me that's who I really am if I stopped denying it but I can't reconcile my past as a relatively feminine girl if I am this extremely masculine man. What is this going on in my head because I'm tired of it.

 

First, a hug: (*hug*)

I may not be the best for giving advice, but I would say just wear what makes you the most comfortable at this point in time. There's no magic button to instantly turn you into the ideal masculine man, but even if there were, letting go of who you've been for years and years isn't something that will happen in a day, and it doesn't need to. And you don't have to let go of certain things if you aren't ready or don't want to.

 

This is what led me to realise that I don't accept myself as truly being male.

From the sounds of things you are still super hung up on the idea that in order to 'be' a man in the eyes of the world, you have to make it REALLY obvious (which, again I feel the need to point out isn't helped by your mother telling you EXACTLY that).

It's nice to hear that you felt OK with everything for a while...I guess one of the downsides of being around people like the men in the pub is that it makes you feel like you stand out. If you brought a stranger into the group and asked them to point to all the men you KNOW those drunken idiots would get picked but you're not sure he would point to you!

 

Is it really that though? Theoretically, I KNOW that men don't have to be extremely masculine to be male yet it's like I am controlled by something internally that is telling me to be masculine to the absolute extreme. Is this who I really am? Should I let this masculine side become my over riding personality? Maybe I'm suppressing my masculinity? I don't know what to do! *tears hair out*

 

Why not experiment? Go on a walk presenting as masculine as that internal something is saying and see how you feel? And you can be more masculine on some days and less on others to see what makes you comfortable? If you take it on a day-to-day basis and forget about how you presented the day before or how you may present tomorrow, I think you may come closer to understanding and accepting yourself then any amount of time spent brooding over it.

 

Yeah but you ONLY seem to be hearing that voice inside after something has happened that makes you feel LESS of a man. In this case it was seeing those guys in the pub, on previous occasions it's been seeing your mum in your old clothes that brought back memories, or seen an old picture or tried to do something you consider feminine.

That, and every time you've mentioned being really masculine before, you've hated the idea but thought it was a good way of escaping any kind of emotion.

 

Maybe it's a defense mechanism then? I notice I 'switch off' from any emotion sometimes and that is when I feel like I am/need to be extremely masculine too.

 

Anonym, I feel like I know exactly what you mean. I felt similarly a few weeks ago (and sometimes such thoughts are still recurring) and decided to think it over a bit more. Long story short, I realized that I was trying to exstinguish the parts of myself that I felt were more male because I related them to the pain I felt when I was forced to pretend I was a guy. After all those years pretending, it can be hard to realize that some of what you did and felt were genuine to you and not just fabricated for that facade you put up. If you don't realize this, it can be extremely disconcerting and make you feel like you need to compensate by excessively adopting stereotypical behaviors of your gender so that you feel more conected to it. I did this, and the more I did it the worse I felt. It's effectively like trading one lie for another because you feel you are expected to be a certain way. I know it can be hard, but don't fall into that trap. It doesn't lead to happiness. Take a step back and remember why you are on your path; it's so that you can be authentic to yourself. If that means not being a loud, annoying, beer-soaked man and instead involves designing clothes then that's okay. There are tons of men out there who are involved in that industry. Ultimately just be yourself and don't feel obligated to act one way or another just because of stupid stereotypes.

BTW, Thank you ElliaOtaku, you played a role in helping me realize this myself (*hug*)

 

Yes. I agree with Ellia here.

When I'm with good company or in safe spaces, I seldom feel emasculated. But when I'm in a situation where I'm around manly men doing manly things, it just...makes me doubt, I guess? Like I'm doing something wrong by being the effeminate creature I am by nature. I have no desire to be the sort of men they are, but I feel like I can't be taken for a man with such manly men around. Ironically, I get a similar sensation and the same voices around womanly women doing girly things - only in those cases, I have no desire to be the sort of women they are because I have no desire to be a woman at all. It's as if being around strongly gendered individuals just sparks the doubt in me. Maybe this is what's happening to you, at least with the manly men types?

 

Thanks all for you input.

Some of the things I have done so far in my life as a female HAVE to be genuine to me. I can't ever say that I was sitting designing wall paper on an all female course secretly wishing that I could be mixing cement on a building site But for some reason, I reject all of the things that I used to do, even things that would be perfectly acceptable for a cis man to do. It's like I have labelled so many things 'girly' and now feel like I would only wish to pursue things that are undoubtedly masculine, but when I am around familiar people and places, the old me pops up again. I'm not saying I feel female again but I know it's the same person I've always been inside, someone with much more personality than the miserable, uninterested person I've become. The problem is, as soon as the old me makes a comeback, I feel ridiculously feminine for a guy and then one of two things happens: 1.) I deny this feminine side of myself. 'It can't really have been me. I never was that person. It was all a lie. Even if it was it's not who I am any more. It doesn't feel right. It makes me dysphoric.' This leads me to realise that being masculine to the extreme is where my mind is telling me it wants to be so I deny my past and this side of my personality and decide to pursue this need to be super masculine based on an image I have of myself in 10 years time looking and behaving extremely masculine.
2.) I question my GI and come to the conclusion that I'm a feminine guy that doesn't conform to the social expectations concerning gender roles. However, this doesn't last for long and I revert back to no. 1).

The reason that this conflict bothers me is that if I lived 24 years completely unaware of my gender identity which was hidden in my 'shadow self', how can I be sure I won't make the same mistake again and end up with another shadow self that will make an appearance later on in my life and cause me another identity crisis?

 

I'm not sure if you quite grasped what I meant, so let me attempt to clarify if you didn't.

Ok, I know I bolded quite a bit, but just hear me out. Basically I bolded what stood out to me. Like I said, it seems like you recognize who you really are, but are afraid to embrace it because you A) associate parts of yourself with the discomfort/dysphoria of being a girl and B) feel the need to "butch up" in order to feel more secure as a male. In addition, you question whether you are able to trust yourself to be honest with yourself. The thing is, how can you trust yourself to avoid having another identity crisis if you are unwilling to accept that you are a man that does not completely conforms to "traditional gender roles"? Not too long ago, I read a few articles/blog entries written by a person who had transitioned from a man to a woman and back again (including hormones and even SRS). In it I couldn't help but notice that the way he phrased things were...suspect. I got the impression that he was having difficulty just accepting who he really was and was trying to deny and repress his feelings. The moral of this story is that you have to be honest with yourself and stop trying to deny things just because they don't fit into how you feel like you should be due to social views. That's falling for the same trap, only its on the other side of the fence! The key here is to be authentic to yourself and only yourself. Think about this, if you let others tell you how you should be (which is more or less what you are doing by clinging to that stereotypical male image despite it not being authentic to you), then why are you saying that you are a guy when those same people would tell you the opposite?

 

The reason that this conflict bothers me is that if I lived 24 years completely unaware of my gender identity which was hidden in my 'shadow self', how can I be sure I won't make the same mistake again and end up with another shadow self that will make an appearance later on in my life and cause me another identity crisis?

Here's a question for anybody who cares to answer it. When did we all accept the idea that we have to be right all the time?

Anonym, there is a myth that circulates that goes something along these lines.

The happiest people are those who decided what they like and continued it forever.

The thing is if something makes you happy for 10 years, then do it for 10 years. If you don't enjoy it as much after that time, then do something else.

Your identity isn't found in your expression. You've told me that you feel that you 'identity' is either 'male' or 'non-binary but leaning heavily towards male' and basically everything you say backs it up. Your expression is independent and irrelevant.

Do the things that make you feel happy WHEN THEY MAKE YOU FEEL HAPPY. Sometimes you can't avoid the things that will make you feel bad, and that sucks but you don't have to pick a bunch of hobbies and do them until you die. If you wind up and old man who tries a different activity every week or so, you'll be far happier than if you just pick something 'masculine' to prove a point to yourself and everyone else

 

Sarah - I get where you're coming from and that example you gave of someone transitioning back and forth, THAT is what worries me. See I don't doubt that I'm trans and definitely on the male end of the gender spectrum but as long as there are these hidden parts of me that I am unaware of, I am going to be forever worrying 'what if I have got it wrong', not about my gender identity, but about my decision to physically transition and which surgeries to have.

To be honest, things have been a bit crazy the past two years. I have felt like multiple identities, I have had out of body experiences and I have literally woken up as another person a couple of times.

I guess what I am looking for is some kind of integration and self acceptance to reaffirm that I'm going in the right direction with my transition and life in general.

 

When we started seeing failure as counterproductive in every possible way. When we forgot that being wrong can offer insight and make us better for it. When we let the fear of the unknown dominate our lives.

:dry:...

I blame the cuttlefish...

@anonym: Let me ask you something. What, in your life, do you regret?

 

Anonym, it's OK to question and to doubt. What isn't OK is to demand a level of idealized masculinity from yourself that you wouldn't if you were a cismale. It isn't reasonable to expect omniscience from yourself. Even if you did transition and 20 years later, transitioned back, what crime would you have committed? None. You must learn to follow your heart and reject the shadows that linger beside you.

 

I don't know I'm so confused. I feel like there's part of me that wants to be extremely masculine but I don't know if it's real or not because I think I have to make a conscious decision to be that way. Sometimes my reactions to things or something I'll say without thinking it through first will be not be at all masculine and then I'll stop in my tracks and make a point of stopping and changing what I'm saying or doing because I'm supposed to be a guy. Maybe old habits die hard or maybe I'm suppressing my feminine qualities. I can't tell. I really have no idea who I really am.

 

Anonym, I think you aren't giving yourself enough credit. You state that you have no idea who you really are, but that's not entirely true. It seems like you know who you are about as well as anyone else. Don't believe me? Go back and look at what you have written in previous posts. Your sense of self actually seems pretty consistent to me. You know you feel male. You know that you have and enjoy your artistic ability. You also know that you have a feminine side. Thing is, you just don't know how to reconcile your feminine side with others' reactions/perceptions. Want to know a little secret? A ton of other guys are in the exact same position. It is widely known that men often attempt to overcompensate due to insecurity about their masculinity. Seriously, have you never seen the Summer's Eve "manly mistake" commercial? Same thing. What's important to realize is that you should do something because it makes you happy, not because you are expected to do it as a man (which seems to be the reason you want to be hypermasculine btw; kinda like the guy in the commercial). Remember, people are exceedingly complex and have many different sides to themselves, and there is nothing wrong with that. Problems only really start to arise when you start trying to deny who you are. Remember how it felt before you recognized your gender? Compare it to what you are doing now. Feels similar doesn't it? Now you need to recognize the feminine aspects of yourself in order to find that integration and self acceptance.

Here's something that may help you with that:
The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance | Psychology Today

 

Thanks Sarah. I'll give it a read.

I don't think I really explained myself clearly when I said I don't know who I really am.

I can easily describe the person I was before I realised I was trans but this revelation about my gender caused me to realise that it was all fake - the hair, the make-up, the clothes, my room decor, my relationships with other people, my interests, my job, my personality, the food I liked. None of it felt right any more so I got rid of it all.

Now, all I know about myself is that I'm a trans man. I have no interest in anything other than transitioning. I don't care to be around other people. Tbh I don't really care for others at all. I am very selfish. My room is practically empty and I own hardly anything now because any time I try and bring something new into my possession, it just feels fake and for some reason, it makes me feel anxious. I don't read anymore, I can't bear listening to music, I can't bear anything like pictures on the walls, I don't care for romance and all that kind of stuff. When I get my own place, I intend to make it extremely masculine. That's what feels right to me. Being the most masculine man I can be. I think I've just got to accept that and realise that my feminine side doesn't have a place in my life anymore.

 

Anonym, I don't know much about you, but this sounds like something close to OCD. Nothing else exists for you now, just the trans issues.

Don't foget that first you are a human and only then you are trans*. Don't let it define you so much. Do you friend say, I can't touch/buy/have this because I am a girl/a boy?
If you enjoyed soccer and then after some time stopped liking it, would you say that your interest was fake?
You enjoyed being a girl. So what? Life is full of surprises, phases and periods. The other people keep changing too.
Consider it your personal growth. Your life is rich because of the experience.

 

For a minute there, you had me thinking that you were trying to imply me being transgender is some kind of OCD.

That's the problem. There is nothing left to me any more aside from being trans. I try to pick up my old interests and I'm both uninterested and dysphoric at the same time. I wonder if part of my problems come from being autistic, though I haven't had any form of diagnosis yet. Up until the last couple of years, I always tried to copy other people because I desperately wanted to fit in. I kind of wished I was them because they seemed to have it all - success, friends, good looks, happiness, confidence. If I liked something about a person, whether in real life or a film, I would take it for myself. It could be a mannerism, the way they spoke, the way they dressed etc. I guess I was kind of like a patchwork, made up of other people's identities without owning my own. So realising my gender identity stripped all that away and now I can't distinguish what's really me and what was just something I borrowed off someone else. I'm now just an empty void and I need to start filling that void with things that are authentic to me but I just don't know what that is.

I just don't know who I really am and it's causing me a problem because without a sense of self, how do you relate to others?