Hello, Im new here so I hope I fit it. Instead of jumping right to the end ill start from the beginning. I first realized something different about myself since I was 10. I was very curious about what it would be like as girl, even going as for as to wear my siblings clothes and acted feminine when I felt no one was watching & engaging in what I thought & felt was female-oriented. When I enter puberty I felt like I was in the wrong body and thought I was a transgendered and even contemplated going through MtoF transformation for a long while. During my middle school life, I always envied girls as they did things that I wanted to do but society would deem unacceptable, it felt so normal to me. As a teenager I wasn't very strong or self-confident and very soft and passive. I often thought of suicide & abused myself after constant bullying in middle-school. At the end of my middle school-life, as the internet became more readily available, I did the best research I could do and learn and explored the variety of different sexuality and how people cope/integrate it in their lives. At that point I just thought I was a bi-curious crossdresser since I didn't see the guy friends in my circle "having a feminine side". High School life was better for me, my private school was nice but I enter with emotional problems from middle school so i often self-reflected and projected the possible negativity from peer onto them. During this time I desired to learn the ways of acting as a future career and I learned shortly afterward that from time to time I can express my femininity under the guise of be a well-rounded amateur actor. It took me awhile before I felt that indulging in my feminine side wasn't apart of experimenting my sexuality, it was truly apart of me and my wellbeing & inseparable. When alone I express my true self to the best of my abilities but I always dream of doing things like shopping & and hanging/socializing with girls who understand & will help me shape the girl within my psyche while maintaining my "public/normal" male persona. The being of college was very liberating as I became a bit more optimistic about life. It was the 1st time I ever met gay couples/lesbians and some are my friends. I often wonder how strong they are or how supportive their circle is. Throughout my college life I didn't feel satisfied with the simple label of a crossdresser, I reflected on my life and did alot of research and reading others stories as experiences. Throughout my studies I learned that I had no desire for MtoF transformation & was very comfortable in my body. It wasn't soon afterward that I found my right label. Being a psychological mixture of both sexes was what met my psychological state of the long 12 years of soul-searching for true comfort in my true identity as an androgyne. In the past few week I've been seeking support group that can help me and I even recently came out to one of my long time female efriends and she whole-heartily accepted me and support me. She is my 1st friend I have ever shared this with and it was a great relief when she returned the love. Im far from being true open since I still live with family & im not very strong. But I'm going to slowly and safety work toward coming out. I'm tired of pretending to be half the person I am just to met socially acceptable standards.
Welcome to EC - you definitely do fit :icon_bigg I think you will find lots of support here. Thank you for sharing your story, and congratulations on coming out to your friend!
Welcome to EC! We're a rowdy bunch here but feel free to dive right in! ---------- Post added 7th May 2014 at 10:46 AM ---------- Oh and you might want to specify that you're 'transfeminine' on your gender just so that people don't get confused (I added this after someone thought that I was MtF rather than FtM). You certainly don't have to but it just might save you some effort later. Cheers!