So yesterday I was watching one of my favorite YouTubers Benton Sorenson. He's a trans guy and in this video he was talking about the process he went through to get on T. One of the things he had to do was draw what he thought his wedding would be like. Now Benton drew himself as a guy in a tux and everything, but when I started thinking about this question, I ran into a mental wall. I feel like there are three voices in my head, and they all had different ideas for what my wedding would look like. Voice #1: You are going to look so beautiful. Your hair is going to be long and blonde and curled in perfect little ringlets. Your going to shine in your fancy ballroom gown and your boobs are going to look fantastic. You will be the perfect bride. Voice #2: Excuse me?! No, no no, no! You aren't gonna be any kind of girl. You are going to wear a long sleeved, backless wedding dress that fits your body like a glove. Your flat chest is going to look stunning, and your hair is going to be dyed to emulate the perfection of the sea. It will flow in waves down your back, and you won't have any stubble because you need to be clean and shaven for your wedding. You are going to be the perfect husband. Voice #3: SHUT UP!! Both of you just BE QUIET so I can think! I feel like the first voice is who I've been my whole life. I've been a girl and that first voice is the girl everybody expects me to be. That's my default setting. You're getting married? Yep, I'm going to be a blushing bride!! The second voice is the effeminate, cross-dressing guy I think I want to be. It frustrates me though because I doubt that voice all the time. On the one hand, I really want to be that person. I want to be a confident, cross-dressing trans guy. On the other hand, I feel like if I were to actually tell anyone that outside of EC they wouldn't believe me when I say "I am a boy." And that just makes me doubt everything. So that leaves the third voice. This voice is me, who I am right now. I don't feel like I'm the girl behind the first voice. Not anymore. I couldn't go back to being her. But I also don't feel like I could really be the second voice either, because I'm not out and I'm not being true to myself. I really want to go see a gender therapist (funny story, I actually already found somebody I want to see...) but I don't think I would get a lot of support if I were to tell my family. My mom actually told me to stop talking when I said "bisexual" in front of my 8 year old sister. She said she didn't want her "exposed to that sort of stuff." It hurt a lot to hear that. A lot. I really want to see a therapist so I can figure out where my head is at and get a move on with this journey. At this rate I don't feel like I'm going to go anywhere, and I really hate that. Anyway. I just needed to get this out and share this because it is plaguing me excessively.
I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice to offer as I've never really struggled with this sort of imagery; even when I planned to force myself to live as a woman, I planned to get married in a white dress suit (and now, I want to get married in a stone/ cream suit so, not a big leap...). If you're wanting to crossdress most of the time, then maybe you're more like bigender than FtM? I don't know... I mean, perhaps you could be happy just being androgynous and letting other people figure out what to call you? Yeah... I got nothin'... But just don't stress too much; you'll figure it out. (*hug*)
That's what I thought. Maybe I was bigender or genderfluid instead of trans. But I really hate the idea of being a girl and being addressed by female pronouns. And I don't like they/them I really just want he/him. I want people to see me and think "boy". But I also really like feminine clothes because they're gorgeous and just, I love them. So I feel stuck fighting these various sides of me that don't seem to want to cooperate.
shit, man, i was totally watching the same video, and had a fricking crisis when he was talking about having to draw himself at his wedding. my thoughts went out of control. i started thinking about drawing my own wedding. at first i thought i'd draw a man and a woman. okay. then i thought, wait, i like dudes, what if i marry a dude? so then i thought i'd draw two men. but that didn't seem right. which person was i, in both scenarios?? i know i want a string quartet playing coldplay at my wedding, but would i be walking down the aisle to it?? would i wear a dress or a tux?? would someone else??? do i even want a wedding????? i have no comfort or advice to give except that i was thrown into the same state by the same video. sorry :lol: (*hug*)
Exactly! I had a dozen different weddings playing out in my head! Why is a wedding even important? What if I don't want to get married? And if I want to wear a dress does that make me less of a man? I don't think so! It was a very frustrating experience.
