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Feeling completely unhinged right now.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Dinah, May 7, 2014.

  1. Dinah

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    I'm feeling a bit claustrophobic, sitting here in my house. All these un-restrained feelings are too much for me right now. More and more frequently lately, I look in the mirror and have an overwhelming urge to smash my heavily bearded, long haired face against the glass (don't worry I won't, but hopefully you know what I mean).
     
  2. BookDragon

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    Hit a nerve, did it?
     
  3. Dinah

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    The worst part is, I want to just let loose and cry, but I kind of 'flipped that switch off' a long time ago and forced myself to just bury every emotion so far down, that eventually I didn't even realize I was doing that.

    ---------- Post added 7th May 2014 at 01:37 PM ----------

    Dead on, it did.
     
  4. BookDragon

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    If you can't cry (and believe me, I know EXACTLY how hard that is after years of forcing emotions down) try writing something.

    Words, sentences...doesn't necessarily have to make sense.

    The first time I tried I had the word 'cute' written in little letters on a pad of paper and bashed my head on the desk over and over again...letting it out is hard, but ultimately worth it...
     
  5. Dinah

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  6. Dinah

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    The worst part is, that all this pain, it's right there ready to just burst out all at once, I can feel the tears building up and the knot in my stomach, heaviness in my chest. All of it, but there's just nothing, emptiness, feeling completely 'trapped'.

    If I could just get it all out, I know I'd at least feel better for a short while. I could watch sad videos all day long and shed compassionate tears for other people's pain. But not for my own. I hate feeling like this.

    ---------- Post added 9th May 2014 at 04:24 PM ----------

    Also, now that I've really dug in and started exploring all of this 'confusion', I can't even just dismiss these feelings and hide behind any sort of emotional numbness. The dam that I had so masterfully built up over the years has broken and there's no way to avoid this anymore.

    ---------- Post added 9th May 2014 at 04:26 PM ----------

    I know I'm being a bit of a whiny bitch, and I'm sorry yall. But I hope yall kinda understand at least.
     
  7. BookDragon

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    (*hug*)It's a step in the right direction. Do you know I spent most of my life completely unable to cry about things? I made myself completely emotionally numb until last year and eventually I broke completely.

    Like you, I found myself with all these things that needed to come out and at most I could get maybe 1 tear before my brain shut the whole thing down. It was awful. It takes time to break down that wall and doing so is the scariest thing in the world. It lets out so much you didn't even know about.

    Don't you ever sit there and apologise for this! I've written essays of several thousand words and asked people to read them just because I needed to get stuff out...it needs to come out and we are here to help you do that.

    (*hug*)
     
  8. Dinah

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    Having only told my best friend a couple weeks ago that "I think I may be trans" nobody else in my social circle knows anything of what I'm feeling. Today (on Mother's day), I was out celebrating with my family and a couple 'nice' things happened. I'm 31 years old and have developed some streaks of platinum blonde/white hair in my otherwise dark brown hair to which my mother commented that 'my highlights' look good. Also she (not knowing about my MtF feelings) tied up my 'roughly' shoulder length hair (well, almost to my shoulders) into a sort of ponytail for me. Both of those things made me feel kinda warm and fuzzy inside.

    :icon_bigg:icon_bigg:icon_bigg
     
    #8 Dinah, May 11, 2014
    Last edited: May 11, 2014
  9. BookDragon

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    How lovely :slight_smile: It's nice when things like that happen, isn't it.
     
  10. Dinah

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  11. Dinah

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    Going back for my second session with my therapist tomorrow, I don't know what he knows about transgender issues. Gonna 'try' and discuss some of these things, and I'm really nervous.
     
  12. Dinah

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    Is it just me or does anyone else have a noticeable habit of walking 'upright' on the forward part of their feet as if wearing heels? Weird or not, I've got some serious calf muscles because of this.
     
  13. JSway

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    Omg! I do that all the time... I've worn heels before and loved the feeling of it. So even when i can't do it, I'll pop up on the balls if my feet and just walk around, as if practicing for later. Also thought i was the only one.

    Btw i really connect with your post that started this thread.
    This morning the strangest thing happened when i was in the shower. I was soapping up my legs and as i touched my thigh i literally felt nauseous. I was so disgusted with my hair legs that my body heaved. That was a first for me.

    ---------- Post added 13th May 2014 at 10:57 AM ----------

    I've been seeing a therapist for 6 months now, very helpful. i was super worried about who they would be and if i would feel comfortable talking to them. I had to switch from my first therapist (no connection) but now I'm with one that is great, she is not that much older than me and she its a lesbian herself so it really makes it ready to talk about all the issues I'm dealing with. in fact it is because of her that i am on here, she suggest i find some support groups.

    My point is that talking with someone that you feel comfortable with and is knowledgeable can be very helpful.
     
  14. Dinah

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    :thumbsup:

    (*hug*)

    The therapist I'm seeing is actually a long time friend of the family, so this could go well or it could go very badly, not for fear of confidentiality or anything, but I'm just kinda worried in general that he might try to write if off as some other mental issue. Maybe it is, idk, maybe not, but so many things in my past tell me it can't be anything but gender ID related.

    Especially considering the whole fetal alcohol syndrome I've always been told I had, which alcohol can affect fetal hormones, and hormones having also been stated to play a part in gender identity (brain sex vs. body sex). I don't think there's been any sort of research linking the two, beyond some suggestion that they COULD be related.
     
    #14 Dinah, May 13, 2014
    Last edited: May 13, 2014
  15. BookDragon

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    Especially considering the whole fetal alcohol syndrome I've always been told I had, which alcohol can affect fetal hormones, and hormones having also been stated to play a part in gender identity (brain sex vs. body sex). I don't think there's been any sort of research linking the two, beyond some suggestion that they COULD be related.

    Doesn't matter. They can't 'fix' it. Whatever reasons there are for this happening BEFORE BIRTH you are basically stuck with. They can either let you be happy as a woman or take your brain apart...fix the body not the mind, the mind ain't broke!
     
  16. Dinah

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    (*hug*)
     

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  17. Dinah

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    The funniest? part is, that most of the time, I'm not even aware that I'm doing it.

    ---------- Post added 13th May 2014 at 10:05 AM ----------

    I gives you all cookiez :slight_smile:
     
    #17 Dinah, May 13, 2014
    Last edited: May 13, 2014
  18. BookDragon

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    I've noticed it occasionally, even though I don't and probably never will wear heels...
     
  19. Dinah

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    I don't recall if I'm ever tried on heels or not, not ruling it out but if I did I don't remember doing so, I did (once) wear a highschool classmate's girly clothing, some sort of dress, I think it was.

    As for the toe walking thing, oddly enough, that started sometime back when I was playing WoW, my character (the one in the picture) has hooves/goat-like legs and walks with a similar stance/gait and at some point I just subconciously started mimicking that.
     
  20. JSway

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    well I for one recommend them (Heels) at least once, but I'll recommend almost anything be tried at least once except for skydiving without a parachute... Anyway, few things make me feel as good about myself as guess jeans and a pair of open toed 2" heels. With candy red nail polish, of course.

    Now I think I've gone way off topic on this thread, oh well :confused: