To sum it up in a topic sentence, I feel that I am possibly gender fluid, androgynous, or bigender but I'm not sure which or if I even am at all. The long story begins here: Ever since I was a little girl (I am biologically a female) I always played with boys. I didn't like Barbies or toy cars, but I typically opted for stuffed animals or animal figurines to play with. As I was growing up, my few female friends liked to listen to pop music and play with Barbies/Bratz and try on their mom's makeup, and because of that I generally avoided going to sleepovers and stuff, because I didn't like doing any of that. Getting older, I still only wear foundation to cover my blemishes and nothing else. I hated sports and cheerleading, so I'm in band. Now that I'm older I am friends with people of all genders. I used to have very strong hateful feelings towards my body, but I have overcome that feeling and now I would rather keep my current genitals than change them. I'm comfortable with my body for the most part... But in the past few months I've been feeling what I assume to be dsyphoria. I wore a dress the other day and I felt beautiful... But for the past week I haven't been able to leave the house without putting on my chest binder. And my binder isn't the best so it's still obvious I have breasts and it's been bothering me severely. I feel somewhat uncomfortable by being referred to by my birth name because of how feminine it is. Even being called "she" doesn't feel right anymore.. I've always kept my hair short and I am pansexual (but heavily bordering lesbian these days), but now I'm wondering if there is more to it? I've been researching the topic heavily and I personally feel like it would be more accurate to describe me as genderqueer than strictly cis. I have talked to a few friends and they've been supportive, but one male friend of mine is insisting I'm just a tomboy and nothing more and it's making me feel very invalidated... (I will also add - there was a time when I knew nothing of being trans, and when one of my very close friends/ex-gf came out as a ftm trans, I was so upset and confused, I didn't talk to him for weeks! It took me a while but I finally came to accept and embrace him, and I've learned from my past ignorance) Another thing to mention is that when I'm intimate with males, I like to be submissive - very submissive! But when I'm intimate with females, I almost always want to be dominant with a few submissive tendencies. As if any of that information matters xD I'm just interested in hearing some other opinions...
I'm sorry you have been experiencing dysphoria, and certainly empathize with your confusion. No one can tell you what gender you are but you, but from what you describe about the ways your feelings of gender change (especially the distinct changes in how you feel about your presentation) make genderfluid seem pretty reasonable to me. The other part of it (androgynous, bigender, etc) I am still struggling with myself so I don't think I can be of any help there. One thing that stuck out to me in what you said was that you told us of your discomfort with your feminine name and feminine pronouns, but you didn't mention male ones at all - have you 'tried on' any male names, or male pronouns? If so, did they feel any better or more comfortable/natural? Anyway, welcome to EC - I hope you find the answers you are looking for!
I haven't gotten into any male names or pronouns. I was thinking of trying to go by Shane, since that's the traditional male version of my name and I like it well enough, but I don't know if I'm really ready for that yet. On social media sites, I've changed my pronouns to "they", but no one on them or in real life has used those pronouns yet. I'm just worried that people will disagree or find me a nuisance, I guess... But I think I'd prefer "they" pronouns over male pronouns in general. And thank you very much for the reply
I was just asking in case you hadn't tried or you had and preferred male name/pronouns on the off chance it might have help clarify your thinking. So much for that idea I have no idea how to deal with the whole pronoun thing myself. I don't even know what pronoun to use for myself in my own head yet, let alone how I would advise others if I were widely out. I don't mind people just referring to me based on however I happen to be presenting at the time, so it's more of academic interest to me than a pressing concern.
