I've been having kind of a strange thing happen lately. I got my hair cut last week. It was a pretty big change, they hacked a foot and a half off. I thought it would take a while to get used to but I love it and it feels awesome. Not the first time I've had short hair, in fact my head was shaved at one point but that's another story. Anyway, initially I thought the reason for not recognizing myself was due to the new hair... but I don't think that's it. Part of it, maybe. I don't know. I was looking at some pictures I took of myself, and it hit me really hard that the person I was looking at wasn't me - and I don't mean that in a bad way. The person in the pictures is someone I want to be, but don't actually feel like. It's the same when I look in the mirror (at my face only... body still mocks me), but I see someone who looks a little confident and happy. I'm so used to the depressed and miserable person looking back at me. It just keeps surprising me when I see myself now. People keep making remarks about how smiley I've been lately and that I seem to be in a better mood on average. I have been happier since realizing I'm trans, like my whole life makes sense now. Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. My point, I guess, is that I feel this disconnect to who I really am, and who I've been pretending to be my whole life, and I think the pretend me is still the dominate me in my head while the real me is starting to emerge on the outside. Even if other people can't see him yet - I can. It's just an odd feeling.
