I haven't been entirely sure who I really am ever since I came out when I was 17 and it's affected my self-confidence, social life and the depression and anxiety I'm already experiencing. I remember at age 4 or 5 finding my mother's and older sister's make up kits and going to town on them. I would also always want to play dress-up with my sisters and their friends (there's a video of me waltzing into my sister's room with a blue skirt on and looking fabulous might I add). I also loved to dance and created many dance routines. I don't remember ever feeling like I was in the wrong body though. Suddenly I wasn't interested anymore in that and playing with barbies and all that. I remember having my first gay thoughts when I was 7 and going into my room crying and praying that I wouldn't be gay (I was raised in a strictly religious cult). From then on I remember having dreams that involved men. When I did finally come out and stopped trying to lie to myself about who I was, it all happened so quickly: I lost my virginity, I started being very vocal about my sexuality and then I started going to school in makeup and girl's clothes. One night I walked home from the gay bar that we have in our town and was picked up in a dress and heels by a taxi driver and ended up giving him oral for a free ride. From then on I stopped cross-dressing, I became very detached and cold towards friends and family, ended up going to university, doing a lot of hard drugs and drinking a lot, sleeping with random guys and it came to the point that I had a mental breakdown and had to leave university. However, I'm slowing coming out of that now and feeling more confident and with that confidence I have thoughts about wanting to do drag with a friend. However, I think I might want to transition instead although I don't know if it's something I need to do or if it's something I just want to do. Whenever I start feeling really confident, I start to think feel and act more feminine and when I'm depressed I feel more manly. What to do?
First (*hug*), second *flicks forehead* for not taking better care of yourself, and third... The question that you need to ask yourself is perhaps this: do you feel feminine or do you feel female? There is a difference. Do women's clothes feel normal or exciting? If you could pick to wake up as male or female, which would you choose and why?
Gayangel, I feel like I can relate to your situation but almost in reverse. I'm biologically male and consider myself gay. As a child I remember having interests in doll houses, easy bake ovens (but mostly because I loved the treats instead of the "cooking") and more artsy activities as opposed to sports. However, when I hit puberty, from that point on I desired, intensely, to look and feel more masculine. I was "blessed" with more delicate/boyish/feminine features (thin arms, long eye lashes, a weak chin, etc.) and I've always hated those physical characteristics. I've struggled with feeling feminine for years and its caused anxieties for me when it comes to physical intimacy in my relationships. You said something that stuck out to me, "Whenever I start feeling really confident, I start to think feel and act more feminine and when I'm depressed I feel more manly." I tend to be the opposite. When I feel feminine, I'm usually feeling weak, insecure, stressed and unstable. That's not to say I consider women and femininity to be those things but when I feel more confident or less self aware, I tend to notice the correlation between that and feeling more masculine. Gates, you said something that stood out to me as well, "The question that you need to ask yourself is perhaps this: do you feel feminine or do you feel female? There is a difference." Could you elaborate on that idea for me?
First of all, thank you for the cyber-hug (and the cyber-flick on the forehead), Gates. I really don't know why I thought (and still sometimes do) think and act very recklessly. I think it was just the drugs but some of it had to do with not feeling like I belong anywhere since leaving the cult and having a lot of suicidal thoughts. But I am working on my issues and am taking much better care of myself. I feel feminine but since my depression started I haven't felt that as much and I've let myself go a bit (I don't take care of skin as much or have much care for my appearance). In my personal life and interactions with boys on dates or in the club, I seem to, without even noticing it, take on the 'female' way of being (i.e. i giggle, i get quite clingy, etc) I'm also quite the exhibitionist when I'm in public (I walk in a very feminine way and stuff) I don't know if that's just me wanting attention or that I'm hiding behind that because I still a bit insecure with myself or what. I've liked the idea of the suburban 'normal' family ever since I was a kid and a part of me doesn't want that as a man but as a woman with a straight man. ---------- Post added 13th May 2014 at 02:59 PM ---------- CHRISABLES: Wow, yeah that is the complete opposite. Although I did feel that way at times when I was in denial about being gay. I think a lot of it has to do with what we have learned about how a man should act and how a woman should act and wanting to fit societies expectations of that. Has this made you feel like you should be a woman then? It's a hard thing to deal with because I think as well that we just want to feel completely comfortable with the gender we were born with and having this confusion adds to life's many struggles. When you said it has hindered your relationships and sex life, could you please elaborate? Because I've dealt with problems in my sex life as well as I seem to automatically let men dominate me completely and almost desire them to do whatever they want to me and I end up never doing much. It leaves me sometimes with an empty feeling and not much respect for myself. I have actually thought before that being gay has emasculated me in some way and I don't know if this is something that a lot of gay guys feel or not but it comes to the point that I hardly feel manly I just am a man. Very confusing
I've liked the idea of the suburban 'normal' family ever since I was a kid and a part of me doesn't want that as a man but as a woman with a straight man. How much of you wants that? And what if you couldn't have exactly that? Would you still want to be a woman?
Gayangel, thanks for taking the time to respond. The first thing you should know about me is, I suffer from severe anxiety, depression and OCD and those combined with my struggles have created a playground of doubt and self loathing. It has caused me to question things and at times, feel as though I should be a woman--mostly due to a feeling that I'm not cutting it as a man, physically and internally. You asked, "When you said it has hindered your relationships and sex life, could you please elaborate?" When it came time for physical and emotional intimacy with a guy and not just in the form of sex but also cuddling, kissing, physical displays of affection, etc. I would become very self aware and uncomfortable especially if I really liked the guy. I would suddenly feel as though we were being thrown into classic, heteronormative roles where he would be the guy and I would be the girl. I think because of this uncomfortable feeling and a genuine preference, I preferred being the more "dominate" one when it came to sex, PDA, etc. and in turn, eventually the relationships began to suffer. but the desire to be submissive and/or to be simply held once in a while was there and has remained.
