So I had another conversation with my parents today. Mostly my mom cause my father's an insufferable dick who hates being argued with and has to be right all the time. Anyway, my mom had been suggesting that my shitty self esteem and social issues may have something to do with this whole gender identity thing. It got me thinking about when I started feeling feminine, which was in about 9th grade or so. I've always been incredibly self loathing and hated the way I looked, and all of my relationship attemps were terrible. That compunded with seeing my suave, successful lady-killin younger brother made me feel incredibly lonely and shitty about myself for quite some time. Perhaps it's possible that my self esteem was so fucked up that I felt like I could never be attractive or desirable in a masculine sense. And that putting on makeup and dressing effeminately made me feel attractive for the first time ever. There's also the social issue that could play into it. Like, according to typical gender stereotypes (which are bullshit btw, but they still unfortunately hold true a lot of the time), a shy and socially fucked up guy is gonna be screwed because, according to typical 'masculine' gender roles, the men are supposed to go after the girls. A shy girl, on the other hand, can still be seen as desirable, and some people are even attracted to girls that are shy, so maybe the reason I wanted so badly to feel feminine was so that I could feel like someone that could be desired. I dunno, these are just conjectures that I came up with. I'm still super confused about what I actually am on the inside, if I really am a trans girl, or if I'm just a super femme male who likes to feel pretty. It's gonna take some figuring out, that's for sure.
Perhaps you should stop talking with your parents about this for a while... Could you see a counselor? The thing is that it's natural to want to please your parents and that can really taint your worldview. In any case (*hug*)
While it's true a shy girl can be seen as attractive by lots of people, I think we both know, heck I think even your damn parents know that a 'shy TRANS girl' sure as hell isn't attractive to most people... You're not an idiot, how many times have you encountered a problem and thought to myself "I know how to fix this, I'll make everything a BILLION TIMES WORSE"? Being trans isn't a bad thing IF YOU ARE TRANS. If you are trans these are the things you HAVE to do, not things you feel like doing because it solves a masculinity issue. Next time I would ask your parents the following questions: 1. The last time you had a significant problem, how many times did you consider changing your gender?! 2. Why in the seven hells do you think I'm stupid enough to have CHOSEN this then?
I'm glad someone else has had the same considerations. I've been quite obsessively thinking about all things trans non-stop for days, and eventually I come back around (again and again) to these ^^ same 2 ideas as well.
I dunno, I just can't shake the idea that maybe I just enjoy feeling cute and pretty and effeminate because I want to feel like someone that could be desired. Like, I'm not specifically trying to 'make other people attracted to me', I know that my chances of attracting someone are hella lower as a trans girl, and I'm not even interested in men anyway so it's not like I want to attract a man with my femininity. But it's more like I feel like, as a girl, I could be someone that could actually be desirable, and even if I'd never date a man, just feeling like something desirable makes me feel so much better about myself. I dunno. Like, if I had all the same mannerisms and personality traits and stuff, but had been born female, I feel like I'd be pretty sought after, but the way I am doesn't exactly mesh with the societal 'norms' of masculinity. Maybe I'm just overthinking things, idk. It's also gotten a lot tougher since telling my parents. I probably shouldn't have. Idk, the idea of socially transitioning is a scary thought anyway, but on top of knowing that my parents will never be on board with it makes it seem impossible. I mean, they're by far the most progressive members of my family, and if they don't approve, I know for sure none of the others will either. I almost feel like maybe I should just be a male who likes being femme and cute and stuff, or like a drag queen or crossdresser or something, but I hate thinking of myself as a man, which may be due to some internalized misandry, or just dislike of 'masculine-ness' altogether. I dunno, it's a lot to think about.
You know what else is desired? Totally slutty chicks. Muscular gay dudes. Tom Selleck. Note how you picked something that feels right to you and not something completely random like that. Something about cute and pretty and feminine seemed more favourable to you than any other type of desirable stereotype. Why? I hate thinking of myself as a man, I'm just going to leave that there.
:eusa_clap Bravo! I feel like all of the ladies who are struggling with this right now need to look at these words because each and every one of them has said almost the exact same thing. I'm certainly not out to force any identity onto anyone but I'll just add a little trick that my oceanography professor taught me when we were trying to figure things out - a logic chain. I'll use myself as an example but just switch around the genders and you'll get the picture. [Female body] >>> [assigned female at birth] >>> [exhibited male behavior patterns from early childhood but also kept dolls because of a very strong parental instinct] >>> [never saw self as "properly" a girl, that is, not internally female] >>> [hated puberty and the idea of being forced to live life in a role incongruent with internal sense of gender] >>> [felt guilty toward family for not meeting expectations/ "subjecting" them to something "difficult" for them] >>> [no matter what, the internal sense of gender never went away] >>> [is a guy internally] When it comes to familial guilt, the thing is that you will always be better able to contribute to them and love them when you are happiest with yourself. They may not understand it at the beginning or even for some time but if the love is really there, eventually, they will see you for who and what you are and be made happy by your happiness.
I'm just not sure if I can go through with the whole transition thing though. I'm not sure I could ever identify as female without totally going to some place new where nobody knows me, but I could never do that. Maybe I should just be a femboy or crossdresser or something and just never let it out around my family. I dunno what I'm even doing anymore.
I can relate. I am on the other side of where you are. I am a masculine male, dated girls but have found I really attracted to fem guys, and transgender ladies esp. early in the transition before any surgery or heavy hormone use. I had a on again off again girlfriend because it was expected of me. But I am really attracted to a fem guy who has not committed to a full m-f transition but dresses acts and smells very feminine. I don't know how to approach him and if I did my very conservative parents would freak if they knew. My dad would probably have me sent to some "homosexual cure" therapy sweat lodge or something. I wish I could just move away and be with someone like him, but that is not possible while I am still at home. The idea of pretending with a genetic woman does not seem fair to her or me. Sorry I am not very articulate this is the first time I have ever communicated this to anyone but my first love I met while working at a Christian summer camp a year ago. (He moved away and the last I heard got into drugs and became a sex worker, anyway we lost touch.
Well that´s a lot to think about but maybe (hopefully) this can be of some help: Well if I was in your situation and I was a man(headwise), feeling like I want to be seen as attractive by other people, likely i´d try fitting the male attractive standards by working out or something like that, or do whatever I can to make myself look handsome/beautiful the way I think I would be. If that way suddenly is standard female, that must mean that I would see myself as beautiful in a female or at least feminine way. Noone goes female because they´re shy and think they fit the typical female role better if they have been a maskuline male before. So I guess you really have something feminine or female inside you. Deciting what exactly it is is up to you, but defnetly not to your parents... Don´t think too hard about what they say :icon_wink
