57 kinds of fear

I can't say I know how to deal with it. I guess in time, you'll just be able to handle it.

 

Continuing on as is/not being able to transition.

I would love to be able to help you with that but it wasn't ever an option for me. My mum made me wait as long as she could until she gave up making me wait.

The social challenges.

Depends on the challenge....

Friends are easy. Being trans isn't something to be ashamed of and I had that view LONG before I realised it applied to me (and I quickly forgot it once I realised!). As such I have no interest in being around people who think it's OK to shame or mock trans people. They aren't worth my time. So I just don't spend time with people who don't like it.

The rest is harder. It is difficult to go out sometimes...that day you realise your only razor isn't quite sharp enough. Those hot days when all the other girls are wearing short skirts and thin tops and you don't dare wear less than 3 layers. Those cold days where you realise you don't have any decent feminine winter clothing. Those days don't get much easier...

You do get a sense at the start that you could never go anywhere again. Everyone who walks past is looking at you, judging you and wishing you were gone, or at least that's how it feels. They probably don't care. Only 3 people have ever cared enough to mention it to me since last October...it cut like a knife but you get through it.

Basically you deal with it by realising that if transitioning is something you actually NEED to do, it's worth dealing with a few assholes to feel like yourself.

Screwing up.

Screwing up what?

Death.

It happens.

 

I am afraid too. Really afraid. I have been treating it with drinking too much which is obviously bad. It's obvious though that I can't go on like I have used to. These has been certain security in just living like before and I have felt like I just want to carry on being safe.

This is a big thing. Life changing. We are going through a lot. This is so freaking scary! At least for me this is one of the biggest thing I have ever faced. It's very natural to panick a lot.

I talked about my fear with my therapist. She said that sometimes fear is good. It makes us evaluate how important this is to us and are we fit enough to do it now. Of course it's bad if it swallows your whole life like it has been doing to me too but maybe it gets better. It is slowly getting better although it really doesn't feel like this all the time. I am sure that will happen to you too. You can always come here and you can talk to me if you like. This is quite new for me but I deal with fear too.

Maybe try to organize your fears. Write them in a paper and then evaluate how big those risks are and what are the real dangers and how you would cope with them if things turn out as badly as possible. Of course death is bad... But how likely it is? I am so worried about it too to be honest.

Also try to enjoy little things around you. Notice those moments you feel slightly better. You don't have to feel good but just a bit easier and those moments could last only two seconds or so. Try to notice that you have that kind of moments. It can help a little. It's one of the coping strategies I use to survive through rough times.

 

It's like this, I sincerely wish to do what's best for me, but lack of (reliable) information makes it a bit hard to evaluate fairly.

Where are you looking for 'reliable information'? I'll be honest, if your answer is anything other than 'inside me' then you are doing something wrong!

One thing I've noticed is that when people start to think they are trans they will look to other trans people for similarities and validation. I would say we probably ALL do it. There are countless threads on this forum where someone will come and treat their thoughts like a disease..."I have these symptoms...do I have the trans?!" Seriously, we ALL do it, because it's easier that way...if I don't do these things that trans people do, it must be something else!

Every person is different. What they want and need is different and their circumstances are different. Look inside you for the things that will make you feel happy. Ignore the outside world and just think about YOU.

As such how can I possibly know what is the best path?

The best path is the one that makes you happier. It means that you need to think about what is best FOR YOU. Forget everyone else. If it helps, imagine you live in a world where everyone will accept EVERYTHING you do without question. In that world, what would make you happy?

I feel like transition is, (the best path)

Question for you. What do you think 'transition' is?

but I also realize that if I have some mental illness, then my reasoning may very well be affected and therefore lead me astray.

Then you have 2 options. Get yourself checked for mental illness by someone qualified, or accept that you almost certainly DON'T have a mental illness that would cause this.

It's partly the whole fear of detransitioning thing. As bad as things are now, the thought of being in an even worse position sticks with me. How the hell would I be able to deal with that?

Why think about de-transitioning when you haven't even played around with transitioning yet?

As a child, did your parents ever try and make you eat something and you just swore blind that you hated it despite having never tried it? Then later on you tried it in secret and it was SO GOOD!

You sit there and say "No, I won't eat it! What if I don't like it?! What if it makes me sick...what if I die?! Could you live with that DAD?! HUH!? MURDERING YOUR CHILD WITH POISON BEANS!?" We all did it with something. Perhaps not a food but an activity. A group of people. A class. A trip.

I asked you a minute ago what you thought transitioning actually is. I'm going to tell you now that there is no definitive answer to that question. It means something different for everyone. So far, my transition has involved growing my nails, my hair, shaving my body hair off, wearing women's clothes and changing my name in that order.

Now most of those things I did before anybody else had any idea what was going on. Nobody knew I shaved my body hair or that I wore womens underwear under my mens clothes. Nobody knew I was calling myself 'Holly' and asking people online to do the same as an experiment. But all those things felt comfortable for me.

You know what else I did? I wore a wig. Whenever there were no people around I wore a wig. That didn't feel comfortable. It felt fake. I love having long hair but that felt wrong. So you know what I did? I stopped wearing the wig.

The thing is transitioning is an umbrella word for infinite little things you may or may not do, and you only have to do the ones you feel comfortable with. If you don't feel comfortable with something DO NOT DO IT. You don't need to worry about de-transitioning if you are only doing things that make you feel better.

You also say that death happens, and you're right. I accept that even though I do fear an untimely demise. However, the real reason it's on my mind is that it adds a certain amount support to the whole "I'm just crazy" theory. The probability of death seems to increase substantially with the prospect of transitioning, whether from hater violence, or HRT/SRS complications. And I can't help but ask myself "What sane person would risk it?". To which I have no answer.

Every day you get up and do a hundred things that could kill you instantly through some complication. Your body is full of things waiting to break and kill you. You use cars and trains, ovens, electrical equipment. You use showers and baths. You walk near trees, go near animals, spend time around people...

Yes, there can be complications with HRT/SRS. Yes there is violence against trans people...but unless it happens to literally EVERY SINGLE TRANS PERSON WITHOUT EXCEPTION then it's no more dangerous than anything else I do day to day. These things do happen to people and it's tragic when it does, but those people are really REALLY unlucky. You can't let something like that get to you, otherwise you would literally not do anything. You may as well already be dead.

Which then ultimately swings around to the first point. I am absolutely terrified of something happening that would keep me from transitioning. I remember how it felt before, and I can't go back to it. I spent so many years in that dark place and I know that if I can't transition, I'll go back there again. I just can't do that. I know it will destroy me. The thing is, I see a light at the end of the tunnel now, and the thought of losing it is too much to bear.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you to do anything. It's not why any of us are here. What I will say is that I completely understand what it's like to go from that dark place and be scared shitless of going back. My biggest fear in the world is going back to that dark place.

I know for me, I have had obstacles in the way of my transition. Not as many as a lot of other people, but I've had some and they've been devastating. But I couldn't go back to that dark place and I had to get over them. I'm (theoretically) stronger for it. This is something I needed to do and that's exactly what I'm doing. If this is something you need, you will find your way. Just try and do things to make you happy!