So I was staying with my parents for the weekend and it was fairly good. Some arguing with my parents on Saturday and by Sunday my mum was calling me Alex. My roommate/best friend/ex-bf (yh, it's complicated) is away for the week in Denmark, so when my dad dropped me off at the flat on Sunday evening I was on my own. For a while I knew something was going to happen and the moment I was completely and utterly alone, it did. I had a complete break down/panic attack/whatever you call it. Shaking, hyperventilating, crying, whimpering, screaming - you get the idea. How the neighbors didn't knock on my door still puzzles me. And I scratched at my skin. A lot. The last time I had done was occasionally the first few weeks after accepting I was trans. Before that a few months and before that a year and a half. When I look at the marks now I'm shocked by how violent it looks. Before it was always more controlled i guess? If any of that makes sense. But now I feel better. Not in a self-harm-helps sense. But in that I'd been keeping everything inside for weeks and weeks and only letting myself cry occasionally without really facing stuff. But after completely facing EVERYTHING that was bothering me (cause I talk to myself when I have break downs ... ) I find myself feel better and able to cope. So, guess I wanted to say that you shouldn't be afraid to let yourself break from time to time. Our head is dealing with a ton of shit, and it's unhealthy to hold it all back. I've since got a new method of dealing with dysphoric moments that also make me feel better (ten push-ups which'll help me get broad shoulders/arms). And I'm suddenly less worried about weather or not I find someone who can accept and maybe even love me as I am. It was bothering me for a long time. But I've decided to let what happens happen. And my good mood may be related to the awesome news that my parents might be getting the new house earlier in July now, and that the house they wanna get allows pets. And if that happens, I am getting a PUPPY! Hell yeah xD
