My parents know that something's up. They know that I crossdress. They know that I occasionnally wear panties because I'm sloppy about my laundry. They know that I shaved my legs and arms because I'm not discrete at all about it (I wear t-shirts and shorts because it's hot outside). They want me to talk to them, and with reason, but somehow I can't do it. I don't know if it's fear or stubbornness, but every time, I'm on defensive and want to evade the conversation. I know that up this point it would be best telling them instead of hiding what's already been uncovered, but I fear what might happen if I do. I feel that my parents (more my dad that my mom) are not LGBT friendly, maybe more accepting on the LGB part, but definetely not on the trans part. Also, I'm so confused myself that I don't even know what I could say to them. I'm in questionning of my gender, I question my orientation, I experiment with more feminine expression. I feel that even telling them I'm questionning would need "proof" of my claim, but I'm not even able to "prove" this to myself. My mom told me she wants me to see a psy, but I don't think I should go there without having a better grasp of myself first. My mind is a wreck and it seems to chance with every passing minute. I don't know what I should do...
You know how we always tell people to try and come out on their own terms? This is why. You're experience the fear that comes with having someone ask you questions you don't have the answers to. Thing is, what do you say? Let's say they point-blank ask you "Are you trans?" If you say no, they will try and make you stay that way, which is no good for your self exploration. If you say yes, you've admitted to something you haven't even figured out yet. If you say you don't know they won't believe it! Honestly I'd be amazed if you DIDN'T feel awful right now. So here's a thought. If you parents are asking you to talk to them, tell them to write you a letter. Give them this format: Question/concern/thought Explanation of question/concern/thought So for example: AWhy do you wear women's underwear? I am aware you own several pairs of women's underwear. Why? What does this mean? I want you to see a psychiatrist. I think you should see a psychiatrist to help you get back to normal. That way you can see everything they want to talk about clearly. You can go back to it and you can decide if it's worth considering. They can't FORCE you to do anything, but you can hear them out. I think this would be a good way of doing it without an argument. ---------- Post added 14th May 2014 at 08:01 PM ---------- EDIT: I should add, I used the phrase "to help you get back to normal" as I intended to make a point about how you could determine their intentions. As in, if they want you to 'get back to normal', you don't want to go see any therapist they pick out!
Thanks for the tip. Whenever they mention it again, I will tell them what you told me. The thing that scares me is that I feel forced to "come out" to them when I am not ready at all.
Which is exactly why you ask them to write it down. They can't force you with writing. You don't have to deal with people and extra pressure, it's just you and the paper.
Things have gotten worse than I thought. My dad just told me that he hasn't been sleeping since Thursday. He also doesn't eat much and is borderline depression and he's seeking a psychiatrist for himself. He was about to cry as he was asking to have a talk. The thing is I already told him about my crossdressing this past summer and after that, he was so affected that I apologized and promised him that I wouldn't do it again, promise that I didn't keep because as much as I tried, I couldn't lie to myself. Now I feel so sorry for my dad and I don't know what to do. He's taking things extremely bad because he don't know everything. I will have to talk and I know things are going to end up in a huge argument, and I don't want that at all.
Feel sorry for him if you like, but leave it at that. Don't make the mistake of telling yourself it's your fault or your responsibility to fix things. By the sounds of things your dad is getting hit pretty hard by the emotional side of this. That is both a good and a bad thing. It's good, because in theory it means that his problems stem from his own feelings, fear, loss, confusion, which is easily preferable to reliance on stereotypes, rumour and myth. It's bad because the chances are you will both feel much worse before you feel better. When my mum reached this point it was a nightmare. It's easy to deal with stupid comments like how it's against the natural or how she thought I'd been turned by internet trolls. But now she was saying I'd stolen her son away from her, and I'd destroyed all her happiness because the past didn't mean anything. That stuff hurts. Just remember that you haven't done anything wrong here.(*hug*)
Thanks for the support. (*hug*) I'm scared about what to say to him. I want to try your idea of the letter, but I fear things are too worse to avoid talking. I'm just scared of making a mistake and making things even worse. You're right that I don't have to take all the blame, but I feel really guilty of this. Also, since this summer, I also felt that my relationship with my dad got worse. Not real bad, but just a subtle feeling of tension that made me feel bad everytime. I'm so sorry for him and I feel so bad.
I kind of know the feeling. My mother spotted me going through the men's underwear section not too long, and I get this feeling she's in denial about what it could mean... I'm not gonna be able to give you any advice, considering I'm stuck in the same spot as you are, but if it helps: you're not alone. I hope things work out for you.
I'm scared about what to say to him. I want to try your idea of the letter, but I fear things are too worse to avoid talking. I won't lie to you, if you write this letter it will probably be the hardest thing you've ever written. It took me 5 hours to get my first sentence when I wrote to my mum. Try to see writing a letter as a way of 'opening communication', not avoiding talking! I'm just scared of making a mistake and making things even worse. What can you possibly say at this point to make things worse? Your feelings and emotions are important too. You have as much right to live life how you want as your dad does. So what, you tell him the full and honest truth. Let's say he takes it really badly and it makes him miserable. This is 'worse' to you. Alternatively, you hold back. You pretend it's not a big deal because you don't want to upset your dad. That's going to make YOU miserable, but I bet you can tell yourself that's an acceptable thing. If one of you has to be miserable, it may as well be you! We've all been there, and the reality is that we are wrong. Your dad may not like the truth, but he needs to hear it. You are worried your relationship with him will be worse if he knows how you feel, but is your relationship going to get better if you hide it? How are you going to build a good, strong relationship with the guy when every time you look at him all you can think of is "If you knew who I REALLY am, you wouldn't love me". You can't. Your relationship doesn't improve if you hide things. It might get worse certainly, but at least that gives you the chance to move on as a person. If he can't love you for who you are, at least YOU can! You're right that I don't have to take all the blame, but I feel really guilty of this. You can feel guilty are sorry all you like, and honestly I know the feeling. I can't tell you how many times I felt like killing myself because of how badly this hurt my mum. BUT you aren't doing anything BAD. Unexpected? Most likely. Shocking? Absolutely! Scary? You bet! But bad? Heck no. You can feel bad that your dad is struggling, you can empathise and sympathise. You can feel bad because he is in a bad place, but don't you EVER feel bad or guilty about wanting to express who you are.
You can't screw up. You are opening up and letting yourself be vulnerable. There is no screwing up here. You have no targets or goals, you are just opening up. Good luck!(*hug*)
I'm not sure it went that well. At least it didn't end up in an argument, but they kept repeating how they wanted to get me back to normal and to see a therapist to get better. My dad is feeling really down but my mom is at least more understanding. The thing with my dad is that it's all black and white. Man and woman with children, that's it. No trans, no gays. I told them to write a letter with their questions. They were hesitating at first because they wanted answers now, but I couldn't speak a lot, and I didn't know what and how to say it. I'm sure I said some stupid things and made things worse, but at least I told them it wasn't their fault and I'm searching for answers by myself. I was not able to say everything I have in my mind, all my questionning that could have reassured them, mostly because I felt trapped in a corner. I should have told them all my doubts, all my fears, all my thoughts, but I couldn't. I'm not somebody that is really talkative and opens up easily, and being forced to talk about this to my parents is not helping either. I feel that things will be real messy in the next few days...
