Fair warning, this may be a bit... incoherent. I'm not good at conveying certain thoughts. But ever since I accept that I'm probably trans, I've been haunted by the thought of "what if I'm not?" And as such, I've been trying to convince myself that yes, I am. So everything even remotely feminine I think or feel gets exaggerated and filed under 'evidence,' you know? And everything masculine gets ignored and suppressed. Does... does anyone else do this? >_> Please tell me I'm not alone.
I feel like this is something I think a lot too. Like, I've been questioning if I'm really trans or not for a while now, and I don't want to be biased towards being trans, cause what if later I regret it but can't go back and change stuff?
I kind of fel like that, i got SOO close to coming out to my mum and i though 'wait, what if i am not and its just a little phase?' This stopped me coming out and now i cant seem to find confidence to do it again >.<
Here's a the thing. I try to fight it. I have my whole life. That "urge" to be female has never gone away. Might subside for a few days or a week. But it is always there for me. Stay away from EC. Try doing things you wouldn't normally want to as your desired gender. See how long you can go. I've tried. I cannot let go of this fact. I've never accepted it until this year... Wish I was wise enough to in my teens once I started having these feelings for real.
Why do you imagine you do this? You know logically that the way you express yourself doesn't necessarily ned to match up with your actual gender, yet you will sit there day in day out looking for 'girly' things that you do. Why? We all do it. We do it because we know eventually someone is going to say those words we hate to hear "But you don't ACT like a girl". Whether it's intentional or not we are always looking for the things that confirm who we are so when someone questions it we can have some comfort knowing they are wrong. Don;t feel bad about it. This is a really big thing for you, of course you're going to worry about being wrong. You'll seek comfort where you can. That's why we are all here!
I'm just... I'm worried that I'm forcing myself to be trans when I might not be. And @Kasey, I don't really understand what you are asking me to do. Sorry. ._.* Ambiguous syntax strikes again.
OK, then ket;s try something. Go get your 3DS and change your MII back to a guy. Tell me how it feels. I'm guessing you're not feeling so good about that suggestion, am I right? You were so happy when you changed it over. So let me ask you this. How many other decisions have you made in your life that involved feelings this intense? I literally can't think of a single one. We make tons of decisions and barely any of them involve such high levels of emotions as you've experienced with this. You told us all how happy you were when you changed your MII, that felt like an achievement to you. That isn't confirmation on it's own, but you know what? If you were happy as a man you wouldn't have felt anywhere near as good changing that MII.
@Holly I get that where you're coming from, but that is exactly what worries me. These little steps I'm taking towards being more female, I fear I'm putting way too much emphasis on them to the exclusion of anything that might contradict what I want to feel, if any of this is making sense.... confirmation bias. You know? That's what's worrying me right now... ...but still. You do have a point.
If it's any consolation you're not alone in your self-doubt. I'm struggling with this and every thing else as well.
You can't be or not be trans "enough". They say gender is in your head. It's kind of a mental state. It's up to you to realize what you need to do to be happy. For some people it's a complete body change. Someone would be unhappy after transition. All they need is a mix of feminine and masculine things, just like you seem to do. They would be both trans. It's all about what makes your life better and nicer not about fitting in some imaginary boundaries. You are unique, be confident to set your own boundaries (*hug*)
Hi Chess, I think what a lot of us are getting at is that the thing that makes the doubts go away, is to take your lead and borrow another statistics term, assume the null hypothesis. That is to say, imagine what it would be like to go back to your old life. Not just the bad things, the good things too. Be realistic. Ask yourself what would happen, realistically, if you lived as your old gender for say another five years. Then imagine, that all your coming out and going through transition are behind you, and ask yourself what that looks like. Compare the two side-by-side. It may very well be that some sort of compromise is what you want. Say you never leave your birth gender role completely for work, but you are out at home, that kind of thing. For some of us, we can't go back and forth. I am one of the people in that latter group but there is absolutely nothing wrong with the former. If you are trans, you are. But you get to decide what that means and how you deal with it. Some of us really need to fully transition. Some of us don't. And fully transition means different things to different people.
Ill echo the sentiment there is no "trans enough". My being trans is not dictated by others nor is their experience or how much they transition dictated by me. Each person is different. I used to struggle with my "Transness". Now i dont. I don't think i need to medically transition. May change. I do however have the need to be perceived as female in a social setting. That's my level of being trans. Socially i feel dysphoric sometimes. I don't hate my body but I'd rather be more feminine. If i had the chance to be born female would i take it? Damn right I would. That's just me though. That's my story. You write your own.
