I wanted to get some thoughts out about something I've noticed lately. I recently started a weight training class (yeah! Muscles!) and there is a mirror in the school gym where we lift. Most of the students will stand in front of the mirror when they lift to check their form and make sure they're doing everything safely, etc. Now, I normally avoid the mirror because my chest always looks pronounced in the tighter work out shirts that I wear, but whenever I do happen to glance up and see my reflection, I always....ignore my chest. As if it wasn't a part of my body. Yesterday I had to go to the hospital to take the HOP test for my knee (I had surgery and they were testing my recovery. They determined I need surgery on my other knee now.) and that required a lot of looking in the mirror. Then I realized I wasn't ignoring my chest, so much as disassociating myself from it. Whenever I saw my reflection, all I could think was that I was wearing a suit. My body was mine from my shoulders up, but from my chest down it was an elaborate suit. I felt like if I could just figure out the right way to unzip it, I could step out of this suit and show off MY body. I only really recognize that my body is mine when I'm in the shower. I can't see without my glasses, so I have to focus on everything that I'm using, thus I have to pay a lot of attention to my body. But even then, I only feel a very dim awareness, as if I was just realizing that it was my skin, my tissues, and a part of me. It's a bit frightening how easy it is for me to dissacsociate myself from my body. Today I'm actually feeling pretty comfortable, so it's not as bad, but yesterday was horrible. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else experiences this, and if I should be afraid of it.
You could be afraid of it, or you could treat it as an extension of what you already know. Your body is a suit. It's nothing more than a vessel to carry around 'you' whatever that is. Electrical impulses in the brain, the soul, whatever you think 'you' are, your body carries it around. You, like many of us, have ended up with somebody else's ride! The disassociation seems to me like the logical conclusion of your thought process. If it helps, I know what you mean. When I'm having 'private time' I usually imagine my body belongs to somebody else. That thing down their belongs to my boyfriend, not to me. It's a weird sensation but I don't think you need to worry about it.
i have a similar thing, i think. i look at my face or my body, i don't really associate the two. when i look at my face in the mirror, i'm okay. i think: "this is my face. this is a boy's face." when i look at my body, i'm a little less okay, but still fine. i think: "that's my body. that's a girl's body. there are things that need to change before it can be a boy's body." but when i connect the two, i get so dysphoric, confused, and depressed. it's just a complete mismatch, and it messes me up. i don't know what to think or feel except "this is wrong. i am wrong." i'm thankful for the disassociation, really. it helps keep me okay.
