How do trans people cope with not being able to pass?

Umm...

I get told I pass, but my self esteem and confidence says I don't. I'll usually try to focus on aspects of myself that are sort of masculine and get reminders from people that I pass fine.

 

To me, passing and being attractive are very similar things. It's an unfortunate reality that women have to be attractive to be successful. But I guess acceptance from other people was a lot more important when I started all this than it is now.

I have a strong instinctual push to be a woman, and my brain needs estrogen. That's it. That's the part of me that I can't change, that I have learned how to accept and work with and eventually love. Everything else I get to decide. I get to decide what being a woman means. To me, it means being smart, and professional, and patient, and kind but firm. It means being clever enough to solve problems with words, rather than brute force. Some of these are in line with other people's stereotypes, some of them clash, it doesn't matter. I have some women I admire, and they are what being a woman is to me.

Of course it has to be enough in line with those parts of me I can't change, that I'm not fighting myself, and I know I'm a woman. Some things, like having a penis, or not being able to have children, are always going to make me feel the way they do, no matter what I tell myself. And some of the choices I have made, like giving my brain the estrogen it needs and getting rid of all the nasty effects testosterone was having on me and my life, are going to necessitate other things. I am eventually going to have to get some kind of surgery for my long term health to prevent my body from producing testosterone. I am eventually going to want to have bottom surgery so that I can have a fulfilling intimate relationship for the first time in my life, and so I can use bathrooms and locker rooms without fear.

But whether I'm woman enough for other people or not just matters less and less as time goes on. I guess I deal with it by focusing on who I want to be more, and less on what other people think I should be. For a change.

 

Depends how you look at it.

I mean, I AM a woman, so no matter WHAT I do, I look like a woman.

It sucks that at the moment I'm a fat woman with no boobs, stubble and razor burn and my hair is too short but what can you do. Those things make me sad but you work through them.

 

If someone uses the wrong pronouns when I am in my female form I will get angry but only blame myself for not doing the make up right. Also, if I am hanging with someone I know and they call me by male name when in female form I don't respond but I do give the complementary icy stare.

For the most part I try to not let it bother me. At the moment since I am transitioning I temporarily consider myself genderfluid.

 

As of a few days ago I just don't give a shit. I think I'm fairly decent to look at female when done up. But i do carry myself well and at least i don't get second looks when I'm out.

I know I don't really pass well the second I talk... so that's a problem I'm working on.

Also, gender neutral name. Hit the trans lottery.

 

I'll admit that this prospect has always terrified me. And probably more than it should, since, in many ways, I have been blessed in certain physical respects that other of my trans sisters have not. (Of course, the obverse is also true.) Nonetheless, I place so much pressure on myself, as I do in every other aspect of life, to be perfect and pass with flying colors, that it has been one of my primary motivating factors for staying deep, deep in the closet. Just the thought that I could be out mingling in public and give off a glaring "guy in a dress" vibe has kept me from once giving it a try in 37 years. (Although finally making some small steps in this direction.)

Of course, my opinion of my chances as of this post have suddenly rocketed upward, the reasons of which you can read about in the Female Clothing thread.

 

I'm surprised that you pass for male. :dry:

(Llama rant: I hate the term "pass;" you pass as the gender assigned but you ARE the gender you feel internally. End rant).

 

I passed well, but I still had confidence issues and I wanted to pass at 5am waking up next to a partner with no makeup.

I saved and it was the driving force for me getting the works ffs from Dr Zukowski in Chicago. I look prettier, but more importantly, I feel better. That's honestly how I coped was to work hard as I could and do as much surgery as I could.

 

I can't hide my chest even with a binder. So as far as passing goes I'm stuck until I convince someone to slice 'em off. Until then, I cope as well as I can with what I can change.

 

Try to ignore it. There's biological women that look masculine and biological men that look feminine. When in doubt, blame a hormonal problem.

 

when I start to think about how I can not pass ,I just start doing something to take my mind off of the subject . sadly even if I were to (physically) transition , I most likely will be unable to pass as female

 

Well it depends on the day.

Some days I really try to present as male. I bind, I do my hair in a way that is male, I believe I am male, and I'm confident in myself. Those days there's little to no misgendering, even though I don't really get called "sir" or anything either.

Other days I just don't care enough at all. I mean I still bind my chest, I wear guy clothes, I do everything I usually do but the only difference I'm not as confident in it cause I could careless; and on those days I will get misgendered. But on those days if the people don't know, I just brush it off and move on. Cause I know I probably will never see those people again, and if I do they won't remember me.

 

I think part of it is the people as well. In some area I'll get misgendered, but other parts of the Cambridgeshire, they're more LGBT aware, which is why I think I don't get misgendered so much by strangers there.

 

It's a huge reason I'm not really out yet.
I'd love to be able to just pass, but until I work on my voice or have the possibility of FFS, I'm not sure yet. :L