1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

HOCD and mental agony...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by n888, May 18, 2014.

  1. n888

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2014
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Alright, this is going to be long, and sorry if it's the wrong sub forum. I've been on all the psychology and medication forums, ocd forums, etc... now I thought I would come here. The following is a copy and paste of someone else's story which I can relate to 100%

    "Hi,

    I'm 21 and a male. Let me start off with my story from the beginning. Just an fyi, it's going to be long.

    This paragraph is for the purpose of history. For as long as I remember, since puberty, and even before, I loved opposite-sex fantasies. I would say that I loved it so much that I masturbated to straight porn, and pictures of women, 5 times a day. Puberty actually hit me pretty late, at 15 actually, but from what I recall, I loved it. I never had thoughts of being with men, and I never even masturbated to men. Also, for history purposes, I was a bit on the homophobic side, like if a guy touched me, I would immediately become repulsed, for my body felt weird, so I would move away. I was even repulsed by gay jokes, and I couldn't even stand movies with gay scenes, especially a movie like Bruno.

    Now here is when things start getting funky. At age of 19, summer after my freshman year, I had a dream where I had sexual encounters with a guy, and I was the one getting it anally. From what I remember, I was confused by this in the dream (as if I might have liked it), but when I woke up, I was completely disgusted and ashamed by this dream. From this, my mind would tell me that I was gay. I would say that I masturbated to straight sex fantasies and porn 10 times that day, and I felt completely depressed. I sat in the bathroom that day and told myself that I might be gay, but I truly wanted to be with women and marry them. My mom noticed that something was wrong with me that day, so she took me in the living room alone, and I had thought that I "came out to her." It took me some courage because my parents are uber conservative, and don't support gay marriage issues. Initially, she freaked out, but when I explained the rest of the story, she had come to conclusions that "I might be over-assessing the situation and that I couldn't be gay." That was reassuring, but it didn't fully work out. She even took me to my father, and my father told me I wasn't gay. He said that it might be a hormonal problem, and that straight people might have same-sex tendencies from time to time, and he said at this age, it's common. I was glad to have parents who told me this, and I went back to the notion that I was straight.

    For two weeks, I didn't think about this situation again. However, it did come back to me in a different form. When I went to a beach trip, throughout the trip, my mind would trick me into looking at my friend's face and sometimes it would tell me, "you want to kiss him, don't you." I was freaked out by this, and for the rest of the summer, those thoughts, along with thoughts of me being anally raped came back. I was depressed when I had thought of these thoughts, and then school started. Now that there were a lot of people around me, I would be freaked out by these same-sex thoughts, such as "you want to kiss the person in front of you," or "that person has a nice ass." Around that time, I had still gone through compulsive masturbation to straight porn. Sometime in October of that year, I had checked gay porn for the first time, and I was disgusted by it fully. However, my mind would bring back the images in my head. Whenever that happened, which was pretty much a lot of the time, I would shake off my thoughts. But when I really wanted to test myself, I would the thought come, and sometimes, I would get an erection. These types of erections felt really weird, and sometimes I would try to masturbate, but when it came close to when I would ejaculate, I would stop and be disgusted and say "this is not right!" Christmastime, I had typed on google "same-sex fear" or "help, I might be turning gay." And I came across HOCD. When I found out about this, I felt the happiest ever, seeing that my daily process would align with the hocd symptoms. So I was good for a while. But when I came back from winter break, and started running into my friends a thought would come up and say "this is not hocd, your just gay." On days it would get really bad, I would go back online and check again, to reassure that I'm straight. I used ocdla, brainphysics, and neuroticplanet to discover myself. I would be happy when I read stories from those sites about hocd people. But after leaving the internet, things would get repetitive again with the thoughts. Once in a while, I would check gay porn and see if I got aroused, but I never did, compared to straight porn. Long story short, this happened repetitively for a year. However, within that year, I had a sexual experience with a women, not intercourse, but everything else, and I enjoyed it. I had hooked up with her a couple of times, and I had a deep connection with her. When we decided to break things off, I had hooked up with other girls over the summer and I enjoyed it.

    Now today, which is now two year since my first horrible experience (the one I had since 19), I'm now 21 and I ran into something else on the internet, two weeks ago. I came across a topic known as internalized homophobia. When I came across this, I became really scared, because a lot of the symptoms, such as repressing same-sex thoughts, denial, depression, and such were ones I thought I might have been doing. It even mentioned that this was also because of the social stigma and being raised in a conservative environment. This is where I'm lost, because my parents are conservative, and I'm the type of person who cares about his social image. This is where I'm really confused, whenever I think of gay thoughts, I'm confused as to whether I shake my head (which is what I usually do to shake off the thoughts) because if I'm repressing the thoughts or denying the thoughts, or if I'm denying the thoughts because of the conservativeness I was raised it? I also can't get an erection anymore, whether to gay or straight fantasies. I would look at the straight sex porn, and think of straight sex fantasies, that I would usually get an enjoyable erection to, but I can't anymore. I don't know what to think of anymore! In the past week (from today), I looked at gay porn a lot, and I would say way too many times that I can't even tell if I'm disgusted or not. Because I can't get an erection anymore, I would feel some feeling in my pants, and I would pull down my pants to see what was happening, but it was still flacid. Today, I tried masturbating to same sex thought, and I was even about to ejaculate, but I stopped since I thought it was wrong, and then put opposite sex thoughts into my head immediately, and I fully ejaculated. I even checked this site called emptyclosets.com (a site for people to share coming out stories, or for questioners) for reassurance, and I got a huge spike, because it indicated that there are people who realized that they were gay later on in life, even if they masturbated to women in their teen years and had crushes on only girls. The site had numerous posts indicating that hocd is fake, and just another way for covering up people with internalized homophobia, and people were adamant about that point.

    So, to this day, I don't know what I have. I feel like I've lost attraction to women, which I really want to have, but not yet sure on if I even get aroused to same-sex. The thing is I can't even get an erection now, so that's why it's really scary. I've been watching gay porn a lot, but I put that to a halt today, just because I almost felt as if I could have ejaculated to that thought, and I've read on the hocd forums that it is not good to watch gay porn since it could confuse you, so I've stopped for now. Could someone help me? I hope to god that it's hocd because I don't know how I'd live with myself for being gay, or in denial, or an internalized homophobe. I can't even tell if stopping the same-sex thoughts are happening because of social stigma and my conservative parents, but when I think about just for me, I would still avoid the thoughts regardless, but I'm still confused. To be honest, I'd rather die than to face this whole shit. Deep inside, I hate all of this because I'd hate to lose my sexual interest in women, but I'm so confused right now.

    Can you help me by figuring out what this might be? For 18 months of this situation, I was convinced this was hocd, but now, I'm not sure what this is anymore...? Thank you!

    In addition to what I've said, I feel like in the real world, I can never fall in love with a man. I've fallen in love with women, and I get excited when I notice hot girls passing by. I don't think I could say the same for men. Like I feel like I got the hocd thing on when I'm "checking out guys" or have "thoughts of kissing them" coupled with the anxiety that's going on. But again, what do you think I have?"

    I have had exactly what that guy described for about a year now. I am from eastern europe so in my culture gays are a big no-no and I did grow up in a conservative family. Now to describe a little more about myself, this is from another forum post I made

    A brief history so people can get an idea of what`s going on with me. I`m 20 years old, currently in school, my dad died a couple years ago and for the past year my HOCD started... I had been seeing a counsellor since my dad died, I took a break from him and went to a different one, then went back to my original counsellor, and now back to the other guy... it doesn`t seem that counselling has helped much, I am very stubborn, always have been since I was a kid. I haven`t seen an actual psychiatrist yet, but I will be in a few weeks. I am basically having every single imaginable symptom of HOCD, and the worst one is the groinal response, it seems as if it`s getting worse... I am horrified that the psychological symptoms are becoming biological...

    I have always been into girls since I was kid, but the problem is now when I look back, I start doubting and questioning if what I felt then about girls was true and I try to find out if I was into guys at all and if any of the interactions I remember meant anything, I constantly doubt myself and my past...I have always had bad experiences with girls in terms of things not working out, the girl not liking me or making fun of me, being rejected, etc. I have had sex with a few different girls and my first time was when I was 16. Now it seems like I every girl I meet is crazy or a slut... I can never seem to find a decent one and this always ends up making my OCD worse... and now when i`m with a girl the ocd is there and I doubt myself. The last girl I was with, after sex, I would doubt whether I enjoyed it or not (even though during sex I loved it and the girl even told me that I was super excited...). When I get erections now, I try to watch or think of gay stuff and my erection goes away very hard and then I hate myself even more and I doubt and doubt and doubt. I have tried letting the intrusive thoughts come and brush them off but it doesn`t seem to help, I have tried exposing myself to gay people, and I really don`t like it and prefer not to be around them (I`m not saying they`re evil, but I would rather try and not interact with them). When I was younger I had brief moments of HOCD where it would last a week, or two and I think once it lasted a month but no longer if I remember correctly

    Long story short, my libido sucks, it`s hard for me to be into girls and I have lost interest due to all the reasons stated above, I constantly watch porn and can`t get my mind off it, and I am constantly depressed and not wanting to do anything except waste my time on the internet living in fantasy land and writing posts like this... I can`t take this any more, it`s ruining my life, my school, my friendships, absolutely everything.... help?

    I have never been able to get a clear response, other gays have told me they don't think I'm guy just by the way I express myself, but this fear and doubt is killing me, I can say I don't want to be gay, I really don't, and like the guy I quoted, I would rather die if I was, I want to be with women and just have this mental agony go away, but this whole HOCD, internalized homophobia, denial is slowly eating away at my brain and killing me