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Mentally draining confusion

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Katelyn93, May 19, 2014.

  1. Katelyn93

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    120
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    Location:
    Pretoria, South-Africa
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Good day ladies and gents, I am a little (read terribly) confused. I seem to change my opinion daily and spend a lot of time trying to fit reason into my thoughts with next to no success, and this worries me. I basically have variants or different shades of 2 days. Sorry for doing this to whomever reads all of my book format messages, this is a long one.

    I asked myself what would be different should I were a woman, or even just dress and act the part at times (I was told to look into gender fluid, and it seems partially right), I came up blank. There were some details like being allowed to have long hair and wearing accessories and dressing in what I like, being able to embody the qualities women have that I absolutely adore, looking pretty and having a body that looks good in the mirror but somehow it all seems like I am just fantasizing. All women don't have model bodies and the same qualities, nor has being a guy stopped me from growing and dying my hair, nor wearing bracelets, and I there is no reason why I can't strive to be the person I want to be based on gender. I could not come up with a single reason that made it mandatory to be anything other than me because I am still me regardless of what I wear and call myself, thus making what I wear and how I act and what I wanted to be irrelevant. I was trying to list why I want to be a woman and that was just an empty list as well. How can something like presenting differently make a difference? I go days without expressing myself any different than usual, I have lived a pretty dull and average life until now, I can just go on as usual and ignore it. Why am I even thinking about this stuff or entertaining the thoughts of or wishing to be a woman? Some days I group here where I just don't care, it doesn't matter. I have even thought that it is because I choose to think of it and read of it on EC or similar places that these thoughts persist. I suddenly emphasize my manly traits mentally, seeing how I am built wrong and will never look feminine nor will my voice aid in the deception nor do I have any specifically feminine gestures or interests or anything. I just have an individual personality and my own interests. I simply started exploring these thoughts because I noticed I like wearing women's clothes and an aunt asked why I do so, to which I didn't have an answer, might I be reading too much into it?

    But then I have the other days.

    These days I argue that I fend off people whom threaten to pin me down and shave my head because they don't like it daily, why would I so passionately protect it if it doesn't make a difference? The thought of having short hair again both angers and saddens me, I love my damned hair. I cannot answer why I want long hair though, I just do, and it makes sense to me. I someday accredit the longer hair in part for my increased confidence. The same with my taste in colors being either too dark or strange, and me wanting nothing to do with cars because I am a biker. In the same sense I am inclined to say that I don't know how dressing up or trying to be prettier and cuter and essentially being a girl would make a difference but I want to and I feel that it will. It feels like a reason is needed though, I need to validate it before I can accept it. My phone makes me feel vain as I have sooooo many photos of me at least shaved clean and wearing dresses or skirts and tops because I like what I see and then end up using the timer function, objects on which to balance the phone and myself to take photos by the thousands, which isn't bad for a person that hates photos of themselves under normal circumstance yet I feel hesitant to say "that's proof enough, isn't it?" These days I am fairly sure it could change quite a bit, be it because I allow myself to do what I don't let myself do or think what I stop myself from thinking or something along those lines, because I have to act at least partial like a guy, let myself live in short. I realize that it wasn't because I saw EC that I came looking for answers, I was questioning and then found EC. Am I maybe trying too hard to apply logical reasoning to something that feels like a non logical situation?

    I started seeing a therapist recently, while I still have no idea what I hope of her to really help me with, I just think I need help sorting through these thoughts, ask the right questions maybe. Thus far she helped a bit. I am not questioning what I am, I am a guy as far as I am concerned, I was born with these tools and these hormones which makes a man a man, and what you like, how you express yourself are not determined by that, but just because I am, doesn't mean I want to be. There is no reason to accept what hand nature has dealt you. At least that is how it makes sense at this point.
    I don't feel scared at all but somehow I still think I am petrified of what others might say or how this could impact my life, I don't understand why I think the things I do and the fear of the unknown could also be present. I could live in a spacious closet where I let people it on occasion but I don't want to pretend. Which is the act though? Gender fluid seems like a good description yet I feel like that would, for me personally, be incomplete, maybe it grows on you though? Never thought I'd wear a dress willingly either after all.

    Short version: Some days I don't get why I entertain the thoughts of being trans or wishing to be different than I am, for I am me and it wont make a difference. Other days I feel that even though I have no specific reason, I think things will be different, I want to be a girl and that is reason enough. These days juggle, sometimes having the two mindsets in one day. Is it normal to have no idea what is going on in your mind more often than not when you start questioning?
     
  2. ProtegeMoi

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    KY
    Maybe you don't need the answers just yet? I think sometimes letting life happen and doing what feels right is the answer. If you don't feel you need to be a woman 100% of the time - then don't feel you have to. If you want to dress a certain way and it makes you happy then continue, grow your hair. Dress how you want. Clothes don't mean anything unless you want them to.
     
  3. Katelyn93

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2014
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    59
    Location:
    Pretoria, South-Africa
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I also think I don't need answers right now, I just wish I could have some more clarity in my own mind. Spinning around day in and day out gets exhausting. I get what you mean by clothes not meaning anything unless you want them to, but if something like that really doesn't mean anything, then what does? I keep drawing invisible lines to connect things and say "aha, this puzzle makes more sense" just to erase them again later because they suddenly seem irrelevant. I sort of wish it meant something, but at this point it just seems like it would mean I am an idiot lol. Thank you though, I have heard it before and will probably hear it again but it helps to be reminded that you have to let life happen sometimes.