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Need some help

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by anonym, May 20, 2014.

  1. anonym

    anonym Guest

    It's just struck me that I'm still struggling with a kind of split identity and personality and I need some advice.

    There's the old me that pops up now and then but I've learned to ignore that when it does because I have realised it only appears when I'm spending time with people I knew before I realised I'm trans or if I'm in a familiar location that I used to visit, again before I realised I'm trans.

    The non-binary guy has disappeared now. I'm sure I'm binary male or at least that's what I want to become once I have managed to unlearn what I have learned and drop the feminine habits.

    Now, here is where I have the problem. Earlier today, I started making plans for employment. I thought I had made some progress and started to get an idea of what I want to do. But then I went out, saw some men that I think I may have compared myself to and switched into 'alpha male mode'. Now the plans I started making earlier seem all wrong for me because I want to pursue this need to be masculine. I actually feel like a different person.

    So to compare, earlier I was thinking of doing some interns in technical, administrative and scientific work. I have accepted the fact that I'm not a people person and would fare better in an environment where I'm not really required to serve customers and can work alone. (This is something I'm quite happy about anyway because I can't be bothered with dealing with the gender stuff at work which I imagine would crop up quite often when dealing with customers constantly referring to me as 'she' or 'lady') I tried on a shirt and smart trousers the other day with my binder. It felt great and I thought I could imagine myself working somewhere where I would dress like this or wear a smart uniform. Looking back on my strengths and weaknesses at school and at work in the past, I thought a scientific job would really suit my abilities and I was excited about possibly retraining in something new and finding something I would enjoy at last.

    Now, having switched to 'alpha male mode', all of the above feels wrong and dysphoric. I feel like I want to work in a trade instead. The thing is, I know that I would probably find manual work boring but for some reason, I just can't shake off the idea that it's what I want to be doing or that's what I should be doing. I'm not sure which. I wouldn't say I feel happy or excited about digging up roads or building houses but it feels like this would guarantee that I would definitely be male and no one could say otherwise. This split has been there ever since I first realised I was trans and it also is a way of cutting off from my emotions. When I feel like I'm in the 'alpha male mode', I don't care about anything and rather than basing my actions on my own emotions, I seem to first think 'what would a guy do?' rather than what I would do. It's almost like I'm male first before anything else.

    I am so confused with this split personality thing. Can anyone advise how I can put it to rest and figure out which direction is right for me?