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I'm really confused...halp?!

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Neio, May 21, 2014.

  1. Neio

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    Okay, so up until recently (About a month or two ago), I was, for lack of a better term at the moment, lost as to what my identity was. After having an all-too-common emotional breakdown one night, I began to start thinking about the possibility of me being transgender, and quite a few things fit, until today.

    I was born female, and growing up, I never really fit in. I always tried to play with the boys, but they, obviously, only saw a girl, and of course girls have cooties! And I was never really interested in playing dolls with the girls. When I was able to choose my own clothes, I tended to gravitate more toward boy t-shirts and pants and sneakers as much as I could, although my parents obviously tried to steer me toward more "feminine" looking things (Not dresses or anything like that, but more female-cut shirts to fit better). Still to this day though, I'm more comfortable in one of my t-shirts and hoodies.

    Now, to my confusion, and one of the reasons I joined this wonderful site...If you ask me any day of the week "Would you rather have been born male", my answer will be an immediate "yes". BUT, there are days where I feel perfectly fine wearing some of my more form-fitting clothes that show off a bit more curves, some days I feel as though I don't need to wear my binding sports bras, and yet there are also some days where I just wish that the "girls" could be chopped off because I don't want anything to do with them.

    Does this mean I'm genderqueer instead of simply being a trans male? I'm really confused :c
     
  2. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    You could be genderqueer or you could be male, it's hard to say. Gender dysphoria isn't a one size fits all thing. Most transgender people just have a persistent feeling of being dominantly male or female but the intensity of dysphoria varies. For example, while intellectually I know that my top dysphoria is severe, I don't experience it much because I've put up very effective walls to block it. Others have no body dysphoria but do have social dysphoria.

    How would you feel if someone offered you the chance to live as a man?

    Do you like being referred to as female or would you prefer masculine or neutral terms?

    Why do you feel that you might be male?
     
  3. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    I do gotta say, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Growing up, wouldn't say I was necessarily feminine or masculine as a kid- I kinda just did whatever I was either steered into or I liked and a lot of what I was interested in could be construed as gender neutral (dinosaurs, stuffed animals, movies, music, Pokemon and videogames).

    And no kid, even a cis kid, has a childhood that perfectly fits into a specific gender mold. My little sisters, for instance, love make-up and doing their nails but they're also the biggest Marvel fans I know. When I was first figuring things out, I worried that because my childhood wasn't just like a stereotypical trans boy's that that meant I wasn't really trans even though I knew how I felt about my body and how I wanted to be.

    I like to think of my childhood as a gay boy's. :wink:

    But anyway.

    Dysphoria isn't consistent among trans people and can be experienced in different ways and in varying degrees. Typically, it's a feeling of discomfort with your birth sex and how that differs from how you identify. I, for instance, tend to get dysphoric about my chest, my figure, my voice, and my lack of penis. But even that's not consistent on a daily basis. I've had days where sometimes I'll feel worse about my junk than my chest or vice versa. Or days when it's either really bad or something I don't mind.

    Anyway, hope that and Gates help.
     
  4. Acm

    Acm Guest

    Yeah dysphoria fluctuates a lot so it's not uncommon to feel more or less dysphoric on different days. It happens to me sometimes. Do you wish you had a male body and were treated like a guy?
     
  5. Neio

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    How would you feel if someone offered you the chance to live as a man?

    Honestly...I honestly don't know. I feel as though I'm still a little too new to my identity to really consider the T and the surgeries at the moment. While the prospect certainly is intriguing, I feel as though it's a little too early.

    Do you like being referred to as female or would you prefer masculine or neutral terms?

    I've gotten used to being called female, but when I'm at work (I work at a retirement home), a lot of the residents I work with can't see and usually mistake me for a guy, which, even though it's usually because they can't see very well, is comforting as well. I don't know, I'd prefer to be called something masculine, but I'm still used to being called a girl/woman/etc. since it's been what I've been called for 21 years, if that makes any sense?

    Why do you feel that you might be male?

    That's actually a harder question to answer than I thought. I guess growing up, I've always tried to fit in with the boys, wear boy clothes, stuff like that. I never was one of the girly girls, so I never bothered with them. I've never been comfortable in my body. I've come to admire and appreciate it (After all, it's the only one I've got), and I'll even admit it's a very pretty female body, but I've never felt...comfortable in it. It felt like it wasn't supposed to be mine, but I got it anyway. Like...it was addressed to someone else but was delivered to me.

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2014 at 08:14 PM ----------


    That's...about exactly how I feel!
     
  6. Gates

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    Based on this, I'm very tempted to say that you're a guy. If it had been an easy question, I would think you weren't. If it was easy, it would mean that your view of being male was superficial. The fact that it's difficult tells me that you very likely see this as intrinsic and therefore difficult to define.

    Just my opinion...
     
  7. Acm

    Acm Guest

    You sound like a trans guy to me but don't listen to me. Only you can decide :slight_smile:
     
  8. Neio

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    Thanks for the advice guys! Talking about it's been really helpful! :slight_smile: