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I am so confused...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by nobody knows, May 22, 2014.

  1. nobody knows

    Regular Member

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    Hi, I'm new here...I'm sure there have probably been threads about this before, but I just really need to write this out and talk to someone. I've been feeling very lost and confused lately.

    So, for the past few weeks, I've constantly been thinking about my gender identity. I'm born female, and currently identify as female (I'm 17 right now), but I'm not sure if that's...who I am, I guess? I mean, when I was really little I was always just "one of the guys". All my friends were guys, I dressed like a guy (except when my parents - usually my dad - made me shop in the girls department), I actually don't think I had any girl friends (I honestly just found girls really annoying back then, haha). Nowadays almost all of my friends are girls, although I still dress like a guy for the most part. It's just what I'm comfortable with. I don't know if this makes me trans though. Lately I've just been hating having breasts and I really wish I had a binder or was born flat chested. I always wear sports bras because they make my chest look a little flatter and they're more comfy. Oh, and I also don't shave my legs either, but I don't think I would even if I'm cisgender because I don't see any point in girls having to shave their legs when guys don't. Also, sometimes when I'm walking in the hallways from class to class, I observe how other guys are walking and try to walk like them.

    But still, sometimes I walk like a girl and sort of just prance around, and sometimes I'm fine with how my body is. And I'm also really worried about the whole ordeal because both my two older siblings are lgbt (a non-binary sibling interested in girls, and a gay brother).

    This is causing two major worries:
    1. That it's all just in my head, and that I'm just confused because I've been "influenced" by my siblings (I'm really really close with my non-binary sibling).
    2. If it tuns out that it's not in my head, and I am trans*, then my parents will be dissapointed in me, especially my dad because he has this whole "people need to respect the gender they were born with" belief, and because all their children ended up gay and/or trans*. My parents are also having a little bit of an issue with their marriage right now and I definitely do not want to add any more tension (they're already in counseling right now after my dad outright refused to talk to my sibling for two days once he saw that they didn't shave their legs and had a whole argument about it).

    I have a therapist but I haven't talked to her about it yet because I'm too nervous and I just don't know how to talk about it. I suppose I should mention that the reason I have a therapist is because I tried to commit suicide last summer, although I don't think it was due to gender dysphoria and I haven't been having any suicidal thoughts in months. I was just very depressed about life in general then and was constantly having suicidal thoughts and wasn't talking to anyone about it. Thankfully my mood has gotten much better since then and I actually have a support system around me for that sort of stuff.

    Anyway, I'm just really confused and lost and worried right now and I guess I just needed a place to vent. *sighs* I just hope I can figure this out soon and everyone can be happy...:icon_sad:
     
  2. soupycampbell

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    Try on different identities until you feel happy. Gender and sexuality are science, and like all science, to find out something unknown, you experiment. :grin: good luck.
     
  3. ratatattat

    ratatattat Guest

    I think their is a possibility you're trans, but it seems more like genderqueer to me if you are sometimes okay with your female body but identify strongly with masculine characteristics. I wouldn't base your gender off of your mannerisms completely, because those fluctuate between people, whether male or female. Mainly, I would ask myself if I was you "would I rather live physically as a male, and do I have a desire to have a male's body". That's basically what I think it boils down to, because their are feminine, masculine, gay and straight trans men, so it can't just be the way you conduct yourself.

    However shaving your legs, the binder and imitating men's walking seems like you could be trans, and maybe suppressing it out of fear of your parents opinion? I kind of feel like if you're consciously connecting that it "could possibly" be influenced by your siblings, it's probably not, or you would discontinue that mimicry;-that as well as you feeling as one of the guys since an early age.

    Anyway, your parents shouldn't be upset if their children all ended up gay or trans, I mean if ALL of you are, then it's obviously their fault, lol jk. But in seriousness, their is nothing wrong with all of you being some form of lgbt, I mean it's unlikely, but possible. Just take your time and figure it out, you probably won't feel as stressed if you are completely sure of what you identify as before telling them. If you have a therapist, I would talk to them about it if they abide by the confidential rules; that way they can possibly put you in contact with people specializing in gender identity issues.
     
  4. nobody knows

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    Thank you both very much. I'll talk to my therapist about it the next time I see her, although I suppose that in the end only time will tell who I am. Thank you. :slight_smile: