I was talking about my gender issue to my dad's partner today. Just five minutes ago she's told me not to question, not to doubt myself, that she and my dad will be there no matter what you decide. And... I felt scared. Like she shouldn't be saying this. Like I'd become someone else and she was talking to them. I know it doesn't help that I'm drunk but talking about this... it sometimes feels fake, over-exaggerated. I wish this conversation had never happened. It really does feel like it shouldn't have. Whid?... I mean, there have been times when I felt that I'm not female, but, maybe it's just... not what I perceive a lot of women to be. Maybe I don't want to feel different to men, especially when so many academics are men. I'm an autoandrophile and have imagined myself having sex as a man... normally when I masturbate I imagine myself as a man but can do the same imagining two women, yet something's missing from that. What is going on? What is going on?... I feel like I've made up a lie in my head and have lived off it. But it doesn't make me feel guilty like a lie does, so more a story. But shopping for clothes, everything... maybe I'm not trans? Have I taken my exploration further than I've needed to? And what do I do with the binding, changing my gender on here and Facebook, telling some accquaintances, family etc etc?... I don't want to "give in" to any expectations there may be for me to be female, yet am I too proud? Have I made it that I won't be anything others expect me to be in terms of gender? When explaining to her how I "feel", it was so empty... empty rote. Hence, fake? I've felt truly fake as a "female"... I think.