Self-harm, Suicide, and Periods

Okay I just need to vent because my life has been hell the past few days.

My period started this week and it has been horrible. I was dreading the reappearance of this damned cycle, and it got to the point where I made myself physically sick at the thought of it. I normally have no problem with my period, and for that one week it just becomes a little bit more difficult to look at myself, etc. This month was a thousand times worse. The day it arrived I had cramps so bad I could barely move, and I ended up stuck on the bathroom floor waiting for pain meds to kick in. And while I was sitting there trying not to cry from all kinds of mental, emotional, and physical pains, I caught sight of a razor sitting on the counter. I actually started reaching for it before I realized what I was doing, and that was the most terrifying moment of my life.

So I dragged myself out of the bathroom and locked myself in my room, and told my mom I was staying home because of my period. I really stayed home because I was having a bit of a breakdown, but she didn't need to know that. Well, when I told her, she basically told me to suck it up, quit being a whiny bitch, and that my period wasn't bad enough to keep me home. But she was kind enough to give me one free pass.

All I could think during her whole speech was One cut for whining, one for being a failure, one to remind me to feel, one to beat back the tears, and one as a reminder that you are not good enough. So I spent the rest of that day convincing myself cutting was a very bad idea, and that I really shouldn't do it.

On Friday I wanted to paint my nails, because I was unhappy and it was going to make me happy. Of course after I painted them purple with sparkles, all I could think was how I was obviously not a man, and that no real guy would want to paint his nails, and it just went on and on in this vicious cycle! And I know guys paint their nails all the time, I KNOW THIS!!! But it doesn't seem to matter, and suddenly I found myself thinking about the fucking razors again.

On Saturday I went shopping with a friend of mine and boy was that a day. I had a ton of fun all morning, and then we got to one of my favorite stores. I wanted to try on all kinds of clothes, but there were so many people that by the time I got through the line for the changing rooms I was sweaty, and scared, and nervous, and a complete mess. I doubled over in the changing room and made myself breathe and then I hid in a corner of the store until she was done shopping. It was horrible. And by the time I got home I was thinking about the fucking razors again!! And then I had the scariest thought I've had in a long time.

I thought, if I had a pistol in my hand right now, it would take very few words to convince me to pull the trigger.

I NEVER NEVER NEVER think about this so often, and I DO NOT contemplate suicide. EVER. I'm really scared that I'm going to do something stupid, and I hate that I'm thinking about this so much. On a regular basis I think about self harm as a passing thought once or twice a week. It never gets so bad that I actually reach for the razors as if I'm going to use them.

And today I already had to go on a 45 minute walk because I was rubbing my wrists constantly and thinking about how easy it would be to do something very, very stupid. I need some help, and I'm a little lost, and I guess I just need to get this out there cause I'm really scared.

 

Thanks for your input guys. I know I should probably get on birth control, not only for emotions but because my period is really heavy and really painful. The problem is my mom doesn't think I have it that bad, so she won't help me get the medication. I'm thinking I might just have to go to the doctor and tell them not to share any of the information with my parents.

I've wanted to start seeing a therapist for the last month or so, but I can't do that without telling my parents. There is a therapist an hour away from me who specializes in helping trans teens, but I can't see him without outing myself. I think he could really help me and I hate that I can't just go and talk to him.

I have heard about the cups, but my problem with them is that they require a lot of touching of myself to use them. I can't handle touching myself durin my period, so I use pads. Less touching, less association with my body.

I'm trying to break a bad habit right now too, and in doing so I bought a ring with engravings on it. Whenever I get stressed or upset, I rub the engravings or twist the ring. That's been my outlet for the self harm as well. Aside from exercising, I don't know what else I can do.

 

ProtegeMoi: I know cutting is a really bad idea, and that's why I leave the house. My biggest issue is there are times when I can't just walk away. Last night I spent two hours thinking over this whole issue, but I couldn't just go for a walk bc it was midnight. I don't want to kill myself necessarily. I'm tired of living this life though, and suicide is a convenient option. I don't want to do that though. I want to enjoy life and live it to the fullest, but I can't do that at this point in my life. I get so upset when my dad calls me his "little girl" or when a waiter says "ladies" or I hear "she did" and "her hair" and I'm getting sick of it. I know what I want, but I'm scared to go and get it, and I'm afraid I'll lose my family, or strain our relationship,, and I'm just scared and I really don't know what to do. I'm trying to take this one step at a time.

 

Thanks for the hugs! All of you(&&&)

If I could find the motivation to do school assignments, I would do them as a distraction. I really hate learning for a grade though, so I struggle to do my assignments. Especially with school finishing in three weeks.

I had never experienced anything like I had while I was shopping. I've never been an anxious person, and I really just freaked out and I don't quite know how to handle that episode just yet. I'm pretty sure it was a minor anxiety attack, but I may be wrong. I don't know. That's another issue to handle later.

I feel like I would be outing myself whether or not I went to a counselor for anxiety, or depression, or whatever excuse I gave. I have hinted at having depression on more than one occasion, but my mom never really acknowledges it. She just tells me to go outside more, and to exercise more, and to be more active. It's the same thing with the pain I experience during my period. She tells me she's disappointed in me, that she's not happy if I skip school, and she just expects me to get on with my life. I have a really high pain tolerance. I don't stay home due to physical pain, I stay home due to emotional breakdowns.

If I were to admit that I have thoughts about self-harm, I feel like I would be failing my family as well. I'm supposed to be the perfect child. My sisters have health problems, but I'm fine. I just have extra elasticity in my joints. My middle sister once went to a counselor after having several surgeries, and having to deal with manipulative friends using her, but I feel like I'd be a failure if I requested seeing a therapist. My mom has taught us our whole lives that self-harm is NEVER the way, and that you should treasure you body, and here I am like No, I hate my body, it fucking sucks, and I think about cutting all the time, so fuck you and your morals.

As for the handling my period, it's the touching myself that gets me. I kind of ignore the blood and such, but using a tampon is really difficult, and a cup would be even harder. If I don't touch myself or really look at myself in the mirror, I can easily ignore things that I don't want to acknowledge. So I touch myself as little as possible during this week, hence the pads.

 

Orange Bananas: That's actually one of my biggest issues right now, because I have someone who treats me like a guy. He uses my preferred name and pronouns, and its WONDERFUL!! Whenever I have to stop talking to him though, reality is a slap in the face with all the wrong pronouns, and the wrong name, and wrong everything!! Thanks for the hugs(*hug*)

 

Ace94: that sounds terrible! I have never actually thrown up while on my period because I have to force myself to eat. I have dry-heaved though. Are you able to get some meds to help you? It sounds like they could really come in handy from what you've described.

 

Holy crap! Can you maybe move out? Get out of the house if you're there? What about planned parenthood? They have a sliding scale policy for payments and you could pay out of pocket so it doesn't show up on insurance. I would definitely talk to a representative, or schedule an appointment with them so you could get some kind of birth control. As for the Zoloft; is your mom refusing to pay for the medication, or just not allowing you to take it? Because at 19 you're a legal adult and she doesn't have that right, so if you move out, there's nothing she can do as far as I understand. Maybe you could move in with a friend until you get on your own two feet?

 

I would definitely go to planned parenthood if she's refusing to pay. Set up an appointment, explain the situation, go through all the details, and the doctors there will do everything they can to help you.