Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Depends. If it turns out it's 'just a fantasy' what does that mean for you?

 

I spent a very long time thinking my trans feeling were just an extreme form of escapism from my own life because I'd always had a wild imagination I would turn too when depressed. It's why it took me such a long time to figure it out.

If you still aren't sure then just keep wondering. These things can be worked out as slowly or as quickly as you feel comfortable. Have you tried doing things here and there to see how it makes you feel? (ie, wearing girls underwear/make-ups/skirts)

 

If you've been crossdressing since your late teens, and you were just a crossdresser I would expect your feelings to have remained pretty similar. I would also imagine that you wouldn't exactly feel like you needed more...

Perhaps I just don;t know enough about crossdressing, but seriously I would have thought if that was what you wanted and you are already doing it, you would be at least KIND of content...

 

Yeah but if it wasn't grounded in something it wouldn't have taken hold, would it.

I mean take actors. Every day they go pretend to be someone else, but they don't necessarily identify with those characters forever...

I could dress anyone I like as a woman every day forever and they wouldn't necessarily feel it was them...

Incidentally, YOU are not complicating everything, it's a complicated thought process. Don't be so quick to make things your fault

 

For years (and I mean like around 20 or so) I assumed I was 'just' a crossdresser because I didn't want to have a sex change and live full time as woman, and I thought there were only those two options. It never sat at all well with me, and I really struggled to come up with some sort of explanation of what I actually was. As I later found out, there is a lot of middle ground between those two options - perhaps you fit somewhere in the middle too? You say that you fear making a mistake in deciding whether you are trans or not - is there any reason you can't just say to yourself that you are probably not cis-gendered, not tell anyone yet, and give yourself some time to figure out in which way you are not cis-gendered? Would there be any significant negative consequences if that thought was a mistake and you were in fact cis-gendered? It sounds like you are putting pressure on yourself to come up with all of the answers right now, and perhaps that isn't necessary.

 

What I meant was, the idea wouldn't appeal if their wasn't a reason for it, and it wouldn't stay appealing after crossddressing if their wasn't a GOOD reason.

Think about it like you would say, a sport.

You decide you want to take up Kendo, because it looks interesting and you think the outfits look cool.

After a while you'll think one of two things. "Yeah, this is for me" or "No, it's not for me".

If you use the same idea about womanhood, you've got your foot in the door and now you're asking why it isn't enough. The point is there is enough there to make it worth further exploration.

 

You sound a lot like me, I have to say.
I just wish I knew what to tell you.

 

All I can say is that I feel your pain. I've been seriously questioning for about a year and a half, going back and forth between thinking I am trans and asking myself "What are you thinking? Pull yourself together."

I'm not going to rush into taking testosterone or anything because it's a permanent change once effects start to take place. I'm taking it slowly until I feel certain one way or the other. I recommend you do similarly and take as much time as you need to figure yourself out.