1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Body Issues

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by BookDragon, May 26, 2014.

  1. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    OK someone talk me right the fuck down before I choke the life out of my mum...

    OK we all know I have body issues, OK. It's not a secret. I am fat, I know this. I'm not a fucking whale, but I'm bigger than I should be and god fucking damn it I am working on it as hard as I god damn can.

    I'm sitting here now in my pyjamas. My pyjama top is basically a nightie with straps. No sleeves or arms. My shoulders are exposed and since it's too big, so is some of my back.

    I think its worth pointing out that my sisters (8 and 10) have many items of clothing like this that they wear regularly. The youngest is also overweight.

    So once again, just a reminder, yes, I have body issues. I used to wear shirts that were XXXL because they were so baggy you couldn't see my body underneath. I wore trousers that were waaaay too big for the same reasons. It has taken a lot for me to be able to wear womens clothing because it's form fitting and my form isn't great, and it certainly doesn't fit.

    Mum knows all of this. Every last bit.

    I'm sitting there doing my revision in the living room. Keep in mind the only parts of me that are 'exposed' are my arms and shoulders and part of my back.

    She tells me to go and get dressed. Fair enough, I'm in my pyjamas at 1:30 in the afternoon, couldn't hurt.

    What ISN'T OK is that she then continued to tell me that "no self-respecting person would look like that", she told me I looked disgusting and that I was unpleasant for everyone else to look at. She told me my arms were too fat to wear something like this. She said that nobody would want to be around me if I looked 'such a state'. She made me feel like total crap just because I'm wearing something she wouldn't personally wear.

    Then she told me to that I was getting upset over nothing. "I'm trying to help" she says.

    Then when I pointed out her version of 'help' was destructive and mean, she decided to tell compare me to other people.

    "Oh, you never see Harriet walking around like that, do you?" - No mum, but then I never see her anyway, I hardly know her.

    "Why can't you just be normal" - well fuck you too.

    I don't understand how someone could say "You have body issues" to your face and then proceed to make them a whole lot worse by telling you that nobody would ever love you because you're disgusting to look at.

    Apparently I'm just wearing it to 'prove a point' and that I shouldn't shove 'it' in everyones faces. She never said what 'it' explicitly but unfortunately I know exactly what she meant because she's done it several times before, and every single time "it" has meant the same thing.

    Perhaps I should just stay in my room forever and if I ever leave make sure I'm wearing a fucking burka or something...
     
  2. CharlieHK

    CharlieHK Guest

    Your mother sounds like a bitch to be around. I know I would of fucking exploded had my mom said things like that to me when I was losing weight. Your weight shouldn't dictate what you are able to wear.

    Maybe point out that they make shirts in all different sizes, because EVERYONE has the right to dress themselves the way they please. The manufacturer didn't say "Yes, I will make this shirt for women of all sizes so that they can sit alone in their rooms afraid to be who they are".

    Sounds like your mom just wanted to pick a fight.
     
  3. Nick07

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,637
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think that your mom is a very unhappy woman. From this and what you told us earlier, it seems that she is afraid to show who she really is, because she is scared the world would collapse on her head, people will gossip about her and she will be alone, rejected and unloved.
    And she tries to shield you from the same thing.

    You are different than her. Maybe you weren't always (the baggy clothes). But you are now, you found the courage and reason to change. She hasn't.

    Try to comfort her and tell her that you are not afraid of the future and neither should be she. She will be anyway, but you can try. (*hug*) She is not a bad person, Holly.
     
  4. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's what I keep telling myself Nick, but its getting increasingly hard to believe it.

    Growing up I learned a lot from her about how to treat people and how you should be. What respect means and all these things. No matter what she says, I did listen and I used to have a good picture of the kind of person my mum was.

    Unfortunately in the last few years she has torn down that image of the good woman who loves and respects others and has shown herself deep down to be everything that is wrong with the world.

    She is a gossip. She mocks things she doesn't understand. She makes no efforts to understand her own morality. She never thinks about the consequences of the things she says. She judges people by their appearance CONSTANTLY even though she taught us never to do that.

    One thing that stuck with me from childhood was how much she hated Barbie. She thought it was wrong to teach little girls that they had to be this perfect pretty thing. She thought it was bad to teach children they needed make-up and expensive clothes and shoes to be beautiful and that the only way to be happy was to look good.

    She taught me this and I agreed completely. I still agree, which is why it is so damn hard to hear her telling me how disgusting and unpleasant I appear and how nobody would want to be around me, and they sure as hell would never love me if I don't fit somebody elses standards.

    I'm trying Nick, honestly I am, but it's so damn hard.

    Unfortunately, I've just showered and looked at myself in the mirror, and instead of the happy girl I saw yesterday and the day before and every day for months, I saw a disgusting hideous man and it is her damn fault.

    I'll get over it, and she will probably apologise eventually, but it is meaningless. She makes no effort to fix the things she does wrong, she just says 'sorry' because she thinks it means she's free of consequence. She tells my sisters off for doing these things constantly and never listens... :tears:
     
  5. Kasey

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    6,385
    Likes Received:
    162
    Location:
    The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Holly, do this.

    1.) Get yourself in to shape like you have been doing.
    2.) Prove her wrong.
    3.) Profit.

    (*hug*)
     
  6. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The thing is if I thought it was just my weight it wouldn't be as bad. But it isn't. It's my shoulders, my body hair, the general shape of me. And to top it off it's that she thinks I'm wearing things like that to 'prove a point', to pick out something girly to prove that it should be allowed. That I'm forcing everyone else to accept something they shouldn't have to.

    That's what she means by 'shoving it down our throats'. It keeps coming up. She thinks that I can be trans, and I can (pretend) to be a woman all I like, but I have to be discrete about it. That I can't be a woman proper, I must be a secret woman.

    And it hurts.

    It hurts because it should matter if I want to wear something she wouldn't wear. There are literally no clothes designed for my body and there probably never will be so I can't wear something that fits my 'body type'. It doesn't exist.

    But that's what she wants. She seems to think she has a right to control my wardrobe based on what she thinks is acceptable, and can't seem to appreciate why that might rub me the wrong way.
     
  7. AudreyB

    AudreyB Guest

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2013
    Messages:
    1,744
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Atlanta, GA
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Lot of projection going on here from mom, methinks. Wonder if she somehow feels guilty about your identity (def not uncommon for parents of trans folks) and seeing you in your negligee just drives home to her how uncomfortable she still is with it. Maybe the expressions of disgust and anger are her knee-jerk articulations of these feelings? IMO, it might tremendously benefit your mom to undergo some counseling herself to help her through your transition, if she isn't already.

    (*hug*)
     
  8. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Quite probably. I mean she kept telling me to 'cover up' because I was 'exposed'. The damn thing is OPAQUE! You couldn't see through any part of it, it was literally just my shoulders and arms showing...

    She does need some counselling, badly. She claims she has no money so I offer to pay for it. So then she insists she has no time. Oh she has time to volunteer for every church and school organisation under the sun. She can help out at her other daughters events and spend do things with them. But can she get help to try and salvage our relationship? No. Too much like hard work. Why should SHE have to do it when I'M the problem. She doesn't even think she HAS a problem.

    If you ask her if she understands something, she will always say she does. When you point out she clearly doesn't she gets angry and tells you she doesn't have time to talk. Then she tells you how much of an effort she is putting in and how guilt trips you for suggesting that you can put in all the effort in the world but if you don't have the tools for the job you won't make progress.
     
  9. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Apparently it's justified and constructive because "other people will say it".

    "I don't want you to get nasty comments like you did in Lincoln" so I'm going to give them to you now.

    All I'm getting from her is "If other people don't like it, you have to change" and she won't listen to me about why that hurts...I'm just "over sensitive".

    ---------- Post added 26th May 2014 at 05:44 PM ----------

    Oh and to top it off apparently me writing it here is a bad thing.

    "Oh yes I bet you wrote all about it to your little internet friends"

    Doesn't matter that you are literally the only people in the world I can connect to, I'm some how an arsehole for doing so...

    I'd go a spend some time at one of my grandparents houses but I can't talk to them about it. Mum's mum just tells me to get over it and patch things over and then cries to make me feel bad. Dad's parents think it's all my fault anyway.

    I can't go to my brothers because I can't afford to get there and live, and he can't afford to support me...can't go to my dad's 'cause that's unknown territory with my step-sister and anything could happen.

    Can't go to friends because they've all fucking moved away...

    I hate everything.
     
  10. anonym

    anonym Guest

    Holly, you know the situation with my mum and I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. (*hug*)
     
  11. Nick07

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,637
    Likes Received:
    0
    Maybe sit down with her and talk. Do the best to not push her into the corner and tell her how you always liked what she kept teaching you and that you don't understand what has changed.
    Maybe she is so afraid of other people hurting you that she tries to make you very inconspicuous and doesn't realize the damage she is doing herself.
     
  12. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    I gotta say, I can kind of relate. My mom was the same way as I got older. Constantly liked to point out my weight and how desperately I needed to lose it from the time I was maybe 12. It was always "You're obsessed with food" whenever I asked what was for dinner. "You don't want to be like me." "I'm saying this because I love you."

    Hearing that didn't make me want to lose weight. Just made me feel like shit. I never developed an eating disorder or anything but sure as hell didn't do any favors for my self esteem.*

    I was about 220 pounds at my heaviest. I did, actually, lose about 50 pounds of that and I honestly feel that was the first accomplishment of mine she was really proud of. Spoiler alert, I gained most of the weight back.*

    Looking back, I think a lot of that stemmed from her own insecurities about her weight and her projecting that concern onto me. And maybe that's where yours is coming from?*

    I find there are some parents who don't have a clear concept of where they end and their child begins. And maybe that's your mom.*

    And this even ties in with being trans.*

    My mom, every time I'm around her, likes to point out my weight and how I don't look like a real man. And really, really likes to point out how I'm starting to look like my biological father- who I haven't seen since I was young and who basically abandoned me and abused her. And that hurts, because it's like- that's not the kind of man I ever want to be. She doesn't want to get to know who I am trying to be.*

    For her, it's her way of expressing disapproval without necessary being labeled 'transphobic'.*

    And maybe that's where yours is coming from. She might be a long way from ever coming around.

    Your weight has no bearing on how great of a person you are. Your physical appearance doesn't determine your worth. Hurts like hell when it comes from your mother- there's something about that that a stranger saying this shit wouldn't have the same impact or damage. But seriously. You're gorgeous and awesome and fuck everything she's saying, alright?

    (*hug*)
     
  13. Miiaaaaa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2013
    Messages:
    1,833
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wales
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Out Status:
    A few people
    While it's not really helpful, you NEED to get out of there!! Even if it's just for a little while.
    There's gotta be somewhere you can go?
     
  14. Techno Kid

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2013
    Messages:
    1,635
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Southeastern Ontario, Canada, Earth
    Your mom is not being very helpful here! :frowning2:
    And I agree with Miiaaaaa, you need to get out of there! (*hug*)
     
  15. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well mum finally decided to let me talk to her and despite trying to but in I eventually managed to being explaining.

    I told her how all I was getting from her was that if other people don't like it, I should change, and obviously I couldn't agree with that.

    I told her how I understood that she wanted things to go right for me, but picking on my faults and insecurities wasn't helping.

    She did listen. She did apologise.

    Shame it'll happen again...
     
  16. Stacy in MA

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2014
    Messages:
    208
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Wow, that is just a terrible, toxic situation to have to live in - I'm so sorry! Your approach seems entirely reasonable (trying to draw her attention to what she is actually saying and how it effects you), and I hope it helps make some headway with your mum so that she is easier to bear. I'm sure you are already bending every effort into getting out of the current situation, and I think continuing to do so is the best long term strategy.

    (*hug*)

    Wish I had something more helpful - you certainly deserve better!
     
  17. KyleCats

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2014
    Messages:
    460
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    That's how I feel about my mom :/

    I'm so sorry. It's a really unfair and bad place to be, especially when you can't see an out for yourself (I'm in the same boat).
    You are beautiful, inside and out (*hug*)
     
  18. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you all for your support :slight_smile: Love you guys!
     
  19. Nick07

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,637
    Likes Received:
    0
    I have been thinking about it. I can find explanation and excuses when it's about your mom, but I struggle heavily when it comes to my family being this insensitive. I guess I understand your frustration. Because if you keep looking for excuses for them, you can easily start to feel like you are the bad one. Perhaps we need to scream and rant from time to time to stay sane :slight_smile: