This guy. I just feel so terrible lately. Whenever I look at myself I feel like shit. My hips are wide and my waist is small and my arms are noodles and I look like a damn baby - although I've been losing weight pretty rapidly because of stress and I've lost some fat in my face so I'm getting cheekbone-y. But I can't get any of this fat off of my thighs, and my chesticles are driving me mental because I can bind all I want but they're still there. I've been binding for too long when I've been doing it too, well over 8 hours a day, and I know it isn't good but I'm just so sick of having this floppy chest. And it's the little things that have really been getting to me anymore. How small my features are, my hands, my feet, my wrists. I'm not too bothered by being short, but I have the features of a fucking china doll and I can't stand it. And the worst part is that I feel guilty because if I wanted to, I could be seen as a conventionally attractive woman, and I know there are transgirls out there that wish they had what I already have and wish I could get rid of. I'm lucky enough to have found a new job so I can finally quit the one I'm at. And not soon enough too. I'm tired of dealing with the public, tired of being called "doll" and "sweetie" and "love" all the time by strange men. The other day at work, one of my friends was picking at me, wondering if I'm "even a girl" with my baggy work pants obscuring my curves. Another friend then proceeded to talk about my "girly butt" and I just. Now friend A keeps making vaguely suggestive comments about my butt, and it's nothing new for us, we throw suggestive comments back and forth all the time. But it makes me uncomfortable when it's about something physical and feminine like that, instead of the usual general banter. And I'm pretty upset with friend B because even though she knows I'm not out at work, she knows about my identity and knows that my body bothers me. I know she didn't mean any harm by it but it still made me feel really awkward. I'm tired of everyone thinking that the solution to my body image issues involves convincing me that I'm physically beautiful. I'm tired of being curvy and "cute". I'm tired of men talking to me in a way that they would NEVER talk to another guy. I'm tired of being perceived as straight, or as a lesbian. I'm tired of telling myself that I'll look ridiculous as a guy because of my fucking baby features. :tantrum: I just want to wake up and be post-everything already. :icon_sad:
I have tiny features too and it sucks. I wish I was different, that I was taller mainly and that I was skinny. Whereas before I'd look at guys and feel sad that I'll never have their looks, I've now given up on that (knowing it will never happen) and I'm finding myself jealous of tall women with less thigh and bum fat, more angular features, bigger feet, hands and wrists because they would make better transguys than me The only thing I have to my advantage and which I really should feel grateful for is a small chest. I constantly worry about how I'll look as a guy even post t and surgery because of my baby features. I imagine myself looking like a 12 year old with a strange voice and facial hair (though if I did look like a 12 year old I would never grow a beard). Not only do I worry about how I will look and how I will feel about looking like this but I imagine what everyone else will think of me, especially my mum who I know will take the absolute fucking piss.
