Tired Of Having To Wait.

I can totally relate! I've been having trans-related trouble as well! I'm out to five people, including my therapist, right now. I've been talking to her (my therapist) a bit about being trans, but that's as far as far as I've gone, transition-wise. And I'm going to have to find another therapist when I actually start transitioning. My current one lives in another country; I've been seeing her through skype. So when I actually need letters for HRT and surgeries, I'm going to have to get another one, that lives closer to me and actually knows the laws and feels comfortable writing me the letters. I just wished my current one lived closer to me, because she's an amazing therapist...

But anyway, I really want to transition too. I'm getting tired of waiting. I want to start HRT and get top surgery eventually, but I feel like I'm sooo far away from doing those two things. I don't really have any idea on where to start all of this, or even get another therapist closer to home that's trans-friendly and could help me with transition. I also don't have much money. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for any surgeries, and I'm not sure I'll be able to pay for HRT by myself...But even though I am getting more and more anxious to start transitioning, I also doubt myself sometimes. There have been a few times where I've wondered if I'm truly a man. But I've been questioning my gender for more than a year and a half, and I'm pretty sure I'm male, but just having doubts because the internalized transphobia I have...

And I also have a partner, though a male. In short terms, he's bi. Though if he explained it, it'd be more like...sexually and romantically attracted to females, but only sexually attracted to males. But I've been with him for two years now, and he says that he's completely accepting of me being a man and that he still loves me and wants to be with me. But I worry that's a lie sometimes. He just told me the other day that sometimes he misses me being a girl. Because even though I haven't done anything physical to myself yet to look more masculine, except a haircut ha, he still knows I identify as a man now, so it's different now. I tried telling him I'm the exact same person I was before, but somehow it's still a little different, and he still misses it. I guess to a point, I understand. But at the same time, I don't because it's not like I act any differently. And I haven't even started transition yet, so it's not like he misses my body yet. I also tried talking to him last night and today about wanting to transition. I was texting him last night, and I asked if he'd be pissed at me if I started transition soon. At first he said it didn't matter, but then changed to "You can. I don't mind." and "Let's just talk about it when you get home from work." And then this morning, I talked to him for a minute or two about it, just about how he feels about it. Which only ended in "I told you, sometimes I just miss you being a girl..." I also tried to talk to him about what I wanted to start doing soon, like try to get on HRT, and that didn't work. Once he got his feelings out, he kind of just walked away. And when I mentioned wanting to talk about it, he just seemed kind of pissed off, so I just went to bed...He says he's accepting of me being a transguy, but sometimes I wonder if he's really all that accepting. I wonder if he's going to mope or start something when I start going through with things. I don't want to get into a bunch of fights because of it. I also wonder if he'll leave eventually because of it. I know I can't NOT go through with this just because someone else might not like it; but at the same time, I don't want to lose him.

So I understand. I've gotten really depressed lately; I've even hurt myself. I'm soo glad to hear that you haven't! If you need someone to talk to, you can always message me or comment on my profile! I might not be able to fix your problems, but I'll at least listen and be a friend!