So I'd found a retailer that sold men's clothes in xxxs thinking that at last I have found somewhere that sells clothing to fit me. The clothes arrived. I have been putting off trying them on, probably out of fear they wouldn't fit. I've just tried them on now and they're still too fucking big. Now I know I am going have to resort to wearing childrens clothes, my mums words are ringing in my ears: 'You'll never make a man.' 'You're not built to be a man.' 'You'll look stupid.' I packed the clothes away to send back and was just thinking what a joke I am as a 5ft 3 guy who can't even wear men's clothes. How can I expect any body to take me seriously when I can't even take myself seriously? I'm laughing and crying at the same time. I can't even choose what I want to wear because my body decides that for me. I don't WANT to wear fucking children's clothing. I'm 26. Is there anything I can actually choose in my life any more? It seems not because everything is already decided for me. I can't wear what I want, I can't do the job that I want to do, I have no control over my body, how I look or how people treat me and I have no control over how all this affects me emotionally. So what can I do about it? Not a damn thing and this is what led me to thinking...people can laugh at me all they like in my children's clothing, tell me I'm never going to be a proper man and I won't care. I'll just brush it all off and laugh. But underneath I'm seething with anger and despair that I never want to show to anyone. Nobody will ever know my weakness. Last week after an argument with my mum, I found myself reaching for a pair of scissors and scoring them into my arm over and over. It wasn't a serious wound. Just a few scratches but to have that power over my body just for a few moments felt...I don't know...liberating? And the composure it enabled me to keep around my mum despite the hurt she had caused me was like discovering a new cure for my pain. I could carry on without letting on she had hurt me, because I knew that I had some control back. Right now, I feel so tempted to do it again and I'm not sure why. It's like I can pretend to the world that I don't care, make myself the butt of my own jokes but in the privacy of my room, I can vent my anger, frustrations and despair by putting a blade to my skin and nobody need ever know that inside I am hurting badly. And now the worst part which prompted me to start writing this thread...a few moments ago I thought 'You know what? I hope someday I'll have the courage to finish the job' I'm in a really bad place right now and I don't know what to do :tears:
I saw two cis males recently that were shorter than 5'3 and all man - no kids clothes. I didnt see if it said how much you weigh, but lift weights and find a tailor or learn to make clothes. This is totally doable- it might not be easy but what good things are? You are a man. Be you inside out and dont let a mirror or others opinion define you. Youre a man, its your job to find a solution or create one. If you want to be taken serious then be that person. Obviously T and facial hair help, but what can you control right now? Cutting or whining won't make you a man. Believing in and fighting for what you want will make you empowered. I don't know you, but I know that you can overcome any obstacle, because that is what you have to do.
I've actually put a load of weight on and I need to lose some of it again because of my hips bum and thighs. I look curvy as hell in men's trousers but at least I can wear men's and not boys trousers. I now weigh 50.8kg (112lbs). ---------- Post added 30th May 2014 at 02:22 PM ---------- Thankfully, a walk out has put me in a much better frame of mind now. Cutting would be a dumb idea, I know but I've been feeling so bad again lately
I've been wondering while at work if you were feeling better. I'm glad to see that you went for a walk and decided not to play edward scissorhands. Do you have friends or someone that can talk you down that you trust in case things escalate again? Thats cool that youve gained weight. Sucks it doesnt go where we want it to though. Have you done the cargo short route? Not sure if its your style but the other guys said it helped them feel better about their hips.
No. I think I have pushed my only friend away, I can't talk to anyone in my family as they don't support me in the least, I see a counsellor but last session was...difficult. Wherever I go and whoever I speak with, all I am met with is anger. Not really my style but thanks for the suggestion anyway. Tbh I'm more concerned about my face than my body. I can hide my body with clothing and that temporarily helps with the dysphoria. Can't change my face though. Yesterday I looked in the mirror properly for the first time and I realise I have been deluding myself. I have been going around thinking I am a guy, that one day I will pass as male and feel ok about how I look. The mirror gave me a reality check. I saw myself for who I really am on the outside, a very ugly woman with bad skin and rat features that will never make a man. Last night I was tormented by these images of my face as I was drifting off to sleep. I kept waking suddenly, disturbed by what I saw and then overcome with anger that this is what I am stuck with. This is the only life I've got and I have no chance of ever looking like a half decent guy. Each time I woke, I realised I was clawing at the skin on my arms because I was so angry with my body, so self harming without knowing it. I then preceded to punch pillows and kick walls :icon_sad:
