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Feeling helpless (bisexual with gender issues)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Minotauro, Jun 1, 2014.

  1. Minotauro

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    Hi everyone!

    I'm seeking for some serious help and advice how to deal with my situation, life and my depression. First of all I think it should be important to provide some information about my situation.

    At the moment I am 28 yo man who has had a breakup (a year ago) from his long-term girlfriend (of 4½ years). My ex left me for another guy and I was left with little or no explanations. After that I have made up my own conclusions about it and it totally drives me desperate and seriously depressive.

    By my sexual orientation I'm a bisexual and throughout my sexual history I have pretty much been leaning towards women. I've had some homosexual experiences as well but I've never had a relationship with another man (and I'm still unsure how it would feel if I would try it). My ex was the first person in my life that I told about my sexual orientation. She accepted it and we had wonderful years together, or at least I had because I felt loved and "whole" for the first time in my life. I come from a dysfunctional family (alcoholism) and my parents have divorced and I haven't seen or talked with my father for about 10 years now. I also grew in a rather homophobic environment and always felt "wrong" and "bad" about myself as I had crushes and feelings for both sexes.

    It wouldn't be too much to say that it took me like 20 years to come terms with my sexuality - it was a long and horribly painful experience even to admit it to myself. But I did it. I moved to a new city to start my studies 7 years ago and it was the milestone for becoming the real "me". The last 7 years have also been the best in my life.

    But I have a horrible secret and I can't accept that this has really happened to me.

    I think I might have some kind of gender issues as well..

    During our relationship me and my GF also started to have kind of "gender" switching role plays. I found that I was also sexually submissive and she encouraged (she really was the one to suggest to use her corset..) me to try out womens lingerie and stuff during our lovemaking. Eventually it became a part of our sex life.

    Eventually she found out that she had created a monster and left for good.

    I believe that my sexual orientation with this "crossdressing" twist was just too much for her to handle as a heterosexual woman. It wasn't something she wanted for life so she got herself a new man.

    I'm just a normal masculine "hetero-looking", athletic guy with a deep voice...but what kind of a person I am in sexual terms..God..I feel so ashamed...

    I read that only like 5% of crossdressers have started as adults. Most of them have always had this preference since childhood (which I didnt').

    For me this crossdressing thing seems to be totally sexual in nature. I have little if no desire to dress up to look or feel nice. I even tried that few times with my ex but felt completely stupid. It just wasn't for me. It's only this sexual fetish that I really seem to like. Here I can't go to details but best term for it could be this "sissification".

    All of this has given me a serious depression and I can't let anybody near me. I don't want anybody to know about this and definately I'm not willing to tell about this to anyone - the level of shame is overwhelming.

    I feel unlovable, emasculated and totally perverted and sexually deviant.

    To make things worse I have started to think that my ex was probably the only woman in this world to ever endorse, encourage and accept my odd preferences. Okay, there might be few more out there but it takes UNIMAGINABLE risk to tell anybody who I am. The odds (oh the irony!) are crushingly against me. I'm horrified by the idea that even though women would "accept" this kind of things in the end they would just go for "real normal men" as they really want to settle down and start a family.

    For the last months I've tried to figure out how to deal with the fact that I'm only 28 years old, educated, good-looking and intelligent guy but my love life might already be over.

    It feels like I have had too much too young.

    And now it is over.
     
    #1 Minotauro, Jun 1, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2014
  2. ConfusedAtHeart

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    First, if you are struggling with depression, you should really look into a therapist, you may not like the idea but it seriously helps. They go by a confidentiality code so your secrets are safe with them.

    Second. Gender and sexual orientation are seprerate, so don't worry about the two. They hardly ever corroborate.

    Crossdressing is more normal than you think, you shouldn't feel "emasculated" by this. You'd also be suprised to what people are willing to try.

    To me it just sounds like you have a fetish. It's not unnatural. Just do what makes YOU happy. As long as it not hurting anyone, then do it. So many people are really accepting of these so you will find someone.

    This does not make you any less of a man. ^w^
     
  3. Acm

    Acm Guest

    There's no shame in crossdressing. And there's lots of people who also have a crossdressing fetish so I'm sure you will find somebody who is ok with it :slight_smile:
     
  4. Minotauro

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    Thanks for you both for really fast replies. Internet is truly incredible.

    First of all I am already seeing a therapist. My depression has been my companion for my whole life so I wanted to tackle it few months ago. After I poured lots of my issues to the therapist recommended full psychotherapy for me. So far I have not dealt with my CD issues at all and I feel like I'm not willing to - I don't expect a normal therapist to have any experience about such issues.

    My biggest problem is that I'm too normative somehow. If I open myself too much I loose lots of things. It would be social suicide. And besides with people (in this case women) you really can't trust them. Tecnically I have 50% chance of getting dumped by hyphotetical new girlfrend. I also need to add the evil rumours that might be spread by some evil character. It's horrible risk and it I'm totally petrofied.

    I have no intention to go public and tell everyone about my occasional crossdressing. Never.

    My life is so ambivalent. There is no peace and no clarity on it. Its a mess of different deviant pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Once for the 4½ years with my ex, which I still love so much, it was wholesome. I came home.

    I think for my whole life I've always wanted to be "normal" but the evil designer has cast me in the marginal.

    There is so much anger in me. I've started to become misanthropist because I feel that I am doomed to live my life alone - humankind is truly narrowminded, ignorant and full of disgust for other than average "normal" things.
     
  5. ConfusedAtHeart

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    You don't have to tell anyone. That's the beauty of it. Except if your in a relashionship. Make sure the person is supportive of lgbt rights and ask them if they would ever date crossdressers or trans people. Inconspicuously of course. Then after a while, if you're comfortable, you can proceed to tell them. There are also dating sites where you can put down that you crossdress occasionally. So really, you have options. Just a little bit unconventional.
     
  6. Minotauro

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    Thanks again for your reply.

    Are there any people who share same kind of situation with me. It appears (correct if I'm wrong) that most folks here seem to have more profound gender dysphoria and medical need for sex change? As you have already written I feel that I have more of a fetish than real gender issue.

    On the other hand I must say that I feel sometimes androgynic. In my ideal world I would be genderless - sort of able to change my sex depending which "energy" I feel more in a given moment - masculine or feminine. Many mythologies have characters like that, especially Greek and ancient Indian mythologies. It's like that I'm totally okay with both of these "sides" but prefering most of the time masculine side of myself.

    My ideal partner would be a person who understands this type of self-awareness and is maybe also feeling the same about herself.

    You recommended dating sites which have this CD option but I think in my country we don't have those.
     
  7. Minotauro

    Regular Member

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    Thanks again for your reply.

    Are there any people who share same kind of situation with me. It appears (correct if I'm wrong) that most folks here seem to have more profound gender dysphoria and medical need for sex change? As you have already written I feel that I have more of a fetish than real gender issue.

    On the other hand I must say that I feel sometimes androgynic. In my ideal world I would be genderless - sort of able to change my sex depending which "energy" I feel more in a given moment - masculine or feminine. Many mythologies have characters like that, especially Greek and ancient Indian mythologies. It's like that I'm totally okay with both of these "sides" but prefering most of the time masculine side of myself.

    My ideal partner would be a person who understands this type of self-awareness and is maybe also feeling the same about herself.

    You recommended dating sites which have this CD option but I think in my country we don't have those.