Through a lot of reading on this wonderful site and long sleepless nights of just thinking I have just determined that I might very well be trans trans*! and it makes me happy that i could be a girl ^u^ but of course i still have questions. and since i can't see a therapist until i'm 18 in a few months (because doing otherwise would tip my mother off 0_0) so i'm coming to you guys and gals. When i decide i want to start transitioning, When should i start asking my friends to use female pronouns towards me? I don't know how i feel about them saying she and referring to me as a girl when i don't feel like one on the outside, however much i would love it. I still look like a guy and will for a while. should i just suck it up and continue going by male pronouns until i start hormones months down the road?
Heck no. OK, so this is slightly more complicated than my simple statement above, but before I do that I want to make one thing clear: No matter what happens, this is your life and you need to do what feels right for YOU. Take a look at my avatar for a second and tell me if I'm male or female. I realise it says underneath what I am, but I want you to honestly look at that picture and tell me what you SEE. Now go to my profile and look at my album. You'll see a picture of me from 'before'. Try and imagine that picture without a beard and you will have an idea of what I looked like when I came out. I'm hoping that if you have done as I've asked you will have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I look like a man. I don't like that fact, but I accept it for now. Now the reason I asked you to that is because I have now been 'full time' since October last year, and my friends were using female pronouns long before that. My point is, when they started I looked male, and I still do, unfortunately. I have experienced two different reactions to people using pronouns when I don't 'pass'. Some, like my best friends, accept it unconditionally and will go out of their way to get it right no matter how I look. They do this because they love me. I know it's difficult for them, and sometimes they get it wrong. This is important, so I'm going to repeat it. SOMETIMES THEY GET IT WRONG. Why is that important? It's important because honestly, it doesn't matter what I look like to them, they are going to struggle with it anyway. They have known me for 10+ years as a man, they have known me as another name and referred to me as 'he' when needed. Even if I looked perfectly female, it would take time to adjust and while it hurts to hear, at least I know they are trying. These people focus on how hard it is for ME to hear the wrong pronouns and name. The other type of people focus elsewhere. They focus on how inconvenient it is FOR THEM to have to learn something different and to change behaviour. Don't get me wrong, they may still love you, but they act as though it is easy for you, and they are the one suffering because of it. These are the people that will say, to your face "Oh, get over it, you look male/female still!" or tell you to grow a thick skin when someone gets it wrong. Thing is, while that excuse has SOME value, it is not true, at least not completely. Compare the two groups. Both have some difficulty adjusting to your new identity, and that is acceptable and expected. The difference is that one group decides to make it about how you inconvenienced them rather than about accepting you. Taking time to adjust is OK, but I don't imagine for a moment anyone who already thinks that you've forced them to think something new is likely to accept it whole heartedly just because you look the part. Either way it's going to take some time for people to get used to it. If you feel female pronouns would make you comfortable and happy, you really don't have a lot to gain by waiting until you 'look the part.'
I believe you are very brave for accepting who you are and asking others to respect it despite how you look ^u^ (don't worry, you will look like a cutie hehe) but I'm a wimp. I don't know if its the gender dysphoria or what. But I really want to go about as a girl and look the part, and if I go by the fem pronoun I feel like I would get this horrid reminder that I look like a guy and I can't do anything about it yet because my mother is so un-accepting about anything LGBT. Like even today she said something about gay people that pissed me off, she isn't a bigot, just stuck in her Christian mindset. I just feel more conflicted than I have in my entire life. And I'm having anxiety just thinking about how complicated this is.
personally, i'm sticking with the female pronouns before i socially transition (even in private company of those i am out to) because it feels more comfortable, for the time being. when i am being/presenting as a girl, i'd rather be treated like a girl. when i'm presenting as a guy, i'd rather be treated as a guy. but that's just me. don't let the fact that you don't look like the average cis girl prevent you from being acknowledged how you would like to be acknowledged. also, just the use of a pronoun or name kind of changes how people perceive you, and if people hear "she", their brains often switch to "that is a girl". so really, it can help you pass in itself.
