How I feel about my gender at the moment I'd say I was female but in the past I thought I could have been genderfluid and even have made comments saying I was fine in the body I have. Now I'm not feeling like I could but wondering if that was me just hoping I was male before fully accepting who I am. Part of why I've been thinking about this is the few times I mention stuff with my girlfriend, who is straight, she brings that up saying I might be more genderfluid and not need to have bottom surgery. This is the one factor in our relationship that if I do go that far will be the end of us dating, though I doubt we'd stop being friends. She is fine with my transitioning the rest of things but lack of penis would be a deal-breaker. I tend not to talk about it too much as her mentioning this does make me feel a bit uncomfortable but wonder is what she saying matter or has anyone else gone through a similar stage? Main problem at the moment is still waiting for referral regarding gender stuff and appointments for my depression are a while between which is messing with my ability to focus and distract myself and meaning more time spending in my head trying to make sense of things and not getting anywhere.
While I obviously can't comment one way or the other about whether bottom surgery is a good idea for you, I would remind you that if it IS something you feel you will need to do, you can't let your girlfriend get in the way of it...I know that is a horrible thought, but it is true...last thing you want is to resent her if you feel she's preventing you from being FULLY you, and the last thing she needs is to be resented for something like that! I know it makes her uncomfortable, but I think you really ought to talk about it pretty seriously if it's bothering you now...
We both understand that if that is what is needed then to go there. It's more her reminding me that I previously thought I might be somewhere in the middle and just trying to see was that me trying to say no I don't want to have to do so drastic changes or am I more genuinely genderfluid. One thing I've noticed is that when my depression gets worse, either from meds that weren't helping enough or not on meds, that I feel even more dysphoric. I really just need someone to talk to about this but I'm still slowly going up waiting lists.
Please correct the following statements where appropriate: When I experience strong emotion (depressed) I feel increased dysphoria. In the past I have felt 'comfortable' with my body at times, and uncomfortable at other times. RIGHT NOW I feel entirely female, I have no desire to be male. I've been working through my own depression at the same time as transitioning, so I do have something to ask you. When I wasn't having a depressive episode, most of the time I felt either nothing, or low level anger/sadness for reasons I couldn't name. When you aren't experiencing strong depressive feelings, how do you feel about your gender?
For the three statements, the top two are true, not completely sure on the third but mostly at least. Mostly a low level feeling of being uncomfortable, though recent acquisition of women's top and jeans has helped. I can now go out in them and they're more comfortable than guys jeans too.
I think it's worth keeping in mind that bottom surgery is a LONG way off and you have a very long while to think it through, BUT it's also worth discussing with people beforehand. Realistically, the closer you get to being able to HAVE the surgery, the more pressure you are under to make a choice, and more importantly, the more pressure you will feel to avoid it completely. What I don't want to see if you, or anyone else, get to a point where on the one hand they are fighting INSANE bottom dysphoria AND a desire not to do something that will cost you an important relationship, because that is HARD to do.
