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Gay or transgendered

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by runningboy35, Jun 3, 2014.

  1. runningboy35

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    Hi there, I am new to this forum so 'hello'.

    I guess I am just wanting to put down in writing how I'm feeling and take it from there.

    I am a male 35-year-old who is attracted to men, so from an early age I assumed I was gay.

    But I have often had an inkling that perhaps I am actually a straight female in the male form.

    At school and during later years teachers, etc would refer to me as 'She'.

    It isn't a constant feeling that I am female, some days I definitely feel more like a man, sometimes more like a woman.

    I have never 'felt' gay in that I don't seem to relate to gay men or feel happy in gay bars.

    I am attracted to straight men, but as a woman not a man.

    As a result of my confusion I have never had a relationship as with gay men, beyond the physical attraction, there isn't the mental connection to build a relationship on (as I feel like a woman and gay men are attracted to the male body and mind).

    But straight men are attracted to the female form, so while I can have some good emotional connections with straight men, they obviously aren't attracted to me.

    I'm not 'repulsed' by my body, in fact I really quite like it, but I'm not sure if that's just because I've had it for 35-years and have therefore gotten used to it, or whether it's because I am attracted to the male form, so in some respect I am attracted to my body (if that makes sense), but as if I'm viewing it somehow as a separate physical entity from my more female mind.

    Thank you for reading.

    Runningboy35
     
  2. Kasey

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    Ok before I try to dig into this (Holly may already have beaten me to it) but my most curious statement from you is

    "My teachers called me she".

    What do you mean? Why would they do that? What is the circumstance behind that?

    Please elucidate on that.
     
  3. Gates

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    This is a tough one... I can say that I'm trans* and have also experienced that "self-attraction"/ dissociation from my body and mind. No one can decide what you are for you but all of what you describe is certainly very possible, even expected, for many transgender people.

    You might try some visualization techniques: if you imagine your future, are you a man, woman, both or neither? Would you see yourself in society as a woman or simply as the more feminine partner in a romantic relationship? If you could choose to have been born as a male, female, or intersex, what would you choose?
     
  4. runningboy35

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    Hi Kasey, thanks for your reply.

    So for example, if a teacher was speaking to the class and referencing something I had done (ie a particular piece of work), they would sometimes say something like 'Mark did a good essay on XXXX, she really showed a good grasp of the themes.'

    One teacher once said to my parents at Parents' evening that I had really neat handwriting, 'like that of a teenage girl'....that is quite an odd thing to say generally, but it has stuck with me all these years.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2014 at 08:26 PM ----------

    Hi Gates, I guess a big part of trying to understand this is that I have been supressing these feelings for many years, and tried to act more manly, which means that what I think I might want in the future might be the 'conditioned' me talking rather than the authentic me, what I would say had I grown up in an environment where I expressed my feelings.

    I guess I visualise myself as a male-bodied individual living with a bi or straight-acting guy who is attracted to my male form but 'gets' that I can a more female mind and energy.

    I don't have any desire to have a female body, but that again could be because I've purposely put any such thoughts to the back of my mind out of fear.
     
  5. Gates

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    Why didn't I have teachers like that but in reverse!? :roflmao:
     
  6. futuristiclover

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    I recognize a lot of the things you just said, especially this.

    It's difficult, and I really am struggling. But then again, so have so many people, we are not the only ones out there. Others came before, survived, hell, they even thrived. I guess we can too; whatever we decide. Personally, I'd like the same as you when it comes to a relationship at least.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2014 at 01:39 PM ----------

    I know I am probably not any help at all, so sorry about that. Just know you're not alone, I recognize a lot of the stuff you are going through. I am going through it too, right now, at this very moment. So all I'm saying, you're not alone <3
     
  7. Kasey

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    Why didn't I have teachers who did that?
     
  8. Gates

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    Then perhaps what you need to question is whether or not you feel female or not. Not having body dysphoria doesn't preclude the possibility of your being transgender. Many trans* people, including myself, have no bottom dyphoria and that doesn't make us "less trans*." Some women have female sexual anatomy, some have male, some have intersex but none of this means jack about their gender.

    Do you want to live your life as a woman or as a feminine man?