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I think I might be trans?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Hi there, Jun 4, 2014.

  1. Hi there

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    Hi there, I'm new here.

    I remember being in the first grade, and wanting so badly to be a boy. It's kinda silly but for my birthday I'd wish to be one. Then, it's kinda a blur from there. I thought that those feelings went away, but then I heard the term 'transgender' and I started to question myself.

    Around 2 years ago I went with my mother on a trip, and she made me sorta hyper-feminize myself. As in, I was wearing hoop earrings, lipstick, and was wearing really tight clothing that really exposed the more feminine parts of my body. I felt extremely uncomfortable with my breasts so visible that I would constantly grab the upper part of my shirt and try to pull it away to conceal them, but to no avail. I felt really off, but I'm not sure if it because I didn't want people seeing them or if it was dysphoria. I really don't want to dress like that ever again. Every time my breasts are exposed I feel obligated to conceal them.

    Just in general, if I could go back to my birth and decide what I'd be born as, I'd be a boy. I would rather dress in male clothing than female clothing and I want short hair. I think my vagina is somewhat nasty to look at, but I don't have those feelings towards a penis. I thought it had more to do with how I wouldn't like to look at intestines either, but I feel it might be connected. Or, I'm drawing completely false connections, I'm not sure.

    In the future I'd rather present as a male, but since I'm probably going to be taking care of my parents in the future I feel pressured not to do so.

    I have a tendency to spend several minutes each day before school to find clothing that don't show off feminine parts of myself and I tend to choose baggier clothes.

    I really want to experiment but my mother seems intolerant of it. I remember one time she discovered that I had a book on lgbtq youth in my amazon cart and she got very angry with me and even hid my laptop from me.

    I'm not 100% sure of this, but one time an internet friend of mine referred to me as a guy and I liked it. If I could choose pronouns I'd go with 'he' because I think it fits better.

    But I'm just kinda hesitant... I think it might have to do with me feeling pressured to not question and be a girl since my mother would prefer things that way, but this is something I feel should at least be addressed. What do you guys think?
     
  2. SamThes

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    Only you can say if you're a guy. Not your mother, not me, not anyone else, just you. So think about how you feel. Do you feel like a guy, a girl, something in between, both, or neither? Really think about all the possibilities and see how each one makes you feel. For me, it helps to keep a journal of how I feel about it, so you could try that and see if that helps you work through it.

    Best of luck figuring it out. (*hug*)
     
  3. Hi there

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    Thanks for responding, I appreciate it. I agree with what you're saying, but I've felt that I've kinda hit rock bottom when it comes to myself. I'm not sure if there is such a thing, but, I think a journal might be a good idea (assuming I'd be consistent with it).

    (Forgot to mention, my parents aren't home for a good few hours, so maybe I could experiment, especially since my brother told me that he'd be willing to help.)

    I'm sorry if I come off rude or uncaring to your advice.
     
  4. SamThes

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    No need to apologise; you don't seem rude to me. What do you mean about hitting rock bottom? Is there anything I can do to help? Experimenting might be a good idea. I hope that helps you. That's really good that your brother is willing to help you.
     
  5. Hi there

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    By hitting rock bottom, I meant that I know I feel that something's up with my gender identity, but that's kinda all I've figured out. I think that's kinda... it with just questioning, and the rest would be best figured out through experimentation.

    As for if there's anything you can do to help, could you offer me a few questions/experiments to try/ etc? Or is experimentation/questioning better unguided?
     
  6. Orange Bananas

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    Try borrowing a bunch of male clothes from your brother and mixing and matching to find your special style. For gender- do what makes you happy. If being male makes you happy, be male. If being female makes you happy, be female. If being something non-binary makes you happy, be something non-binary. If you're still not sure, come up with an excuse for your mother to dress differently, like "A friend dared me" or "My friends and I always dress differently today- it's Gender Bend Day" or maybe "I'm trying out for a part in a play as a male character."