Most people who know me would probably agree that I'm one of the most shy people they've met. I don't really have a reason to give them. I guess that it can be hard to talk to people when you can't be authentic. Currently I live with just my mother and my sister and things are looking up for the first time in a long time. I'm happy as could be, except for one thing: I have memories of wishing I was a girl sense I from when I was six years old. I remember counselors occasionally asking me if I would rather be a girl; very early on in my life I would go flower picking and people would often mistook me for a girl. I was picked on in school for my rather effeminate feature and it used to really bother until I hit puberty and gained a hundred pounds then starved myself for a few months when I was fifteen to loose the weight. Something I'm not particularly proud of. The feeling doesn't just persist; it gets worse. I came out to my family as gay a few months ago, and I have come out to a few others sense. I also discovered my best friend sense I was eight is homophobic, which is a whole lot of fun. I thought that being gay, being able to date men and act a little more like myself, would be enough to at least make me feel good. Instead I've found thait being out of the closet has only made the desire to be a women worse. I find I think about it in everything I do. I've dreamed about being a woman on a various different nights, and I find that the more I look and dress in an effeminate way the more confident I am. My family occasionally playfully calls me a girl because I refuse to cut my hair, and I find that I actually much prefer it. I work as a housekeeper with four woman and one of them keeps saying that I can't clean because I'm a guy. Not only can guys clean, but being refereed to as a male drives me crazy, I hate it. The problem is that while I want to change my gender, I'm not sure if it's for me. It's hard to explain. It's almost like I'm forcing myself to push those thoughts out of my mind and try to hide the fact from other people. Plus, I can barely tell people I'm gay even thou it's probably incredibly obvious, and coming out as transsexual may be unachievable. I actually sometimes wonder if my mother knows. She occasionally says I act like a girl (especially around men, I have a tendency to get really shy and apparently come off as a bit feminine) and has actually hinted at the fact a number of times. It's a hard choice to make. I mean, I want to simply look like and be recognized for what I feel like is my identity, who I am. I have aspirations of marrying a man and adopting kids, but for some reason I just don't think I can be happy without being a woman. I'm not sure what exactly I'm asking here. I can't seem to sort myself out on the matter. I guess all I want is some helpful advice. It's a confusing problem. I feel totally lost and struggle to not get depressed, and I know how I can fix it but I can't seem to find a solution. I'm not looking for advice on coming out, really. I just feel a bit lost and decided to use a source that has been helpful in the past. I feel like I've been really rude for some reason, ad I apologize if I have.
hey. i don't really know how to help, but (*hug*) keep mulling over these feelings, and doing your research, and talking to people on here and i'm sure clarity (or at least partial clarity) will come eventually
well... I think that you may indeed be trans, I am not sure what else you maybe asking. Sorry if that sounded rude... but it is pretty clear to me that you would rather be a woman, and why not? women are great =p though you'll have to drop that gay part lol you'll just be a heterosexual =p
