That 'off feeling'

My head's about to explode, so if you don't mind I'd love to share some thoughts with you. Please, let me know what you think.

To me, knowing that becoming a woman is actually an obtainable goal, is beyond scary. It just makes my brain go in overdrive. I don't really know what to do about it. For example, when I got up today, I felt fine (not necesarily very good) being me. And then, when I saw this trans* student during class, I started feeling stressed again.
I feel like, had I never heard of the whole 'transgender' concept, I might never have even wondered what gender I am. Also, I feel like the 'transgender' concept is still a cultural thing really, just as male / female is. And becoming a woman, I feel like that's giving in to my doubts, without even knowing what I am. Also, I have noticed how thinking I might be trans* really has been affecting me negatively. For example, I know I'm feminine, but it's never bothered me. Now I feel like, when I act feminine, I can't as a guy; like I need to be a woman. I get this 'off' feeling, when I'm one of the girls; or when I shake my head like women do, or whatever. I do think I'm too feminine; but have always been accepting of it, have never tried to be anything else. That would be pointless. However, now it's making me all stressed, every feminine thing I do makes me think of my gender confusion. And to me, that's crazy.

For example, it should go 'feeling something's off' > 'gender confusion', according to me. Now it's 'gender confusion' > 'feeling something's off; like I should be a woman', which could ofcourse have something to do with me accepting my want to present as a woman (not even sure what that means really).

Anyways, these are my thoughts for now. Thanks for reading/listening/responding.

---------- Post added 5th Jun 2014 at 09:56 AM ----------

Also, I do want to add, it's a little tiring, having to think this much about who I am. It's also scary. On the other hand, it doesn't really matter how I come out of this, at least I'll know myself really well. So I'm happy about that.
What bothers me most is, even if I would let go of all my fear and would explore my feminine side, I wouldn't even know if transitioning when needed would be the right option. I've read about transgender feelings disappearing at a certain age, or people regretting transitioning, even detransitioning. Besides, erectile dysfunction isn't really something I am willing to deal with, when going on estrogen. I wouldn't want to 'fix' my genitals.

 

Yes, I read your post! I wouldn't call it 'programming' exactly, just culture. I see you're from the South in the United States, so I think the cultures in which we were raised are more or less the same.
However, it's problematic in a way. Culture is essentially what made you who you are, also on a cognitive level; once you've learned it's norms and values, these never go away, much like is the case with mother tongue. However, I believe it to be possible to kind of rise above culture. Which is also why I am hesitant to say I even have trans feelings; I often believe these could just be due to culture. Or whatever it is really, sometimes I even believe these feelings might just be a way of expressing my unease with who I am. That the unease is not even necessarily due to my gender, whatever that may be, but is something that could have more to do with culture, the way I was brought up.

I'm sorry if that went too deep for you, just me wondering what the roots are of my so-called gender confusion.

 

Ok, here we go!
(1) Do you experiance discomfort with the male parts of your body? - No, not my genitals. When it comes to body hair, I'd say yes. But nothing groundbreaking.
(2) would you want female parts? - Boobs are cool, but no. I don't want to get rid of my male parts.
(3) Have you ever felt the need to dress in female clothing? - Not the need. It's just something I don't like to think about. I would love to try it sometime, probably never going to happen though.
(4) If someone used feminine pronouns on you, how would you feel? - On the one hand, insulted. On the other hand, I love it when people call me 'girl' as in: You rock, girl! Stuff like that really. Also, I love to be seen as one of the girls, as my friends are all girls. She, her, etc. would be fine though, a little odd at first, but I guess it could fit.
(5) Can you see yourself 10+ years from now? Are you happy, or sad? - Happy, I think. Not sure if that's as a man or woman. I don't really plan on transitioning, even if I 'am' a woman though. But yes, happy, no doubt. Figuring out who I am is all part of it, I believe, and I do believe these weeks will be stressful to say the least, but in the end it'll all turn out fine. I'm too headstrong to ever give up on life anyway.

---------- Post added 5th Jun 2014 at 10:24 AM ----------

I wish that were an option. However, I'll be leaving in a month to study abroad. Also, I don't want to be pushed in a direction (that is: transitioning) I am not comfortable with. I want to figure it all out on my own, as stupid as that may be.

I mean, this is a so-called 'life stressor', that's for sure, but I don't see me getting suicidal over this. Not yet anyway. I've been through way too much for that to happen, thank God!

 

Yes, you got a good point there. I think it depends on how you viewed religion (or your culture) as a child really.
And interesting study! There is, I think, a difference between humans and apes though; we can conciously choose to be different, or do things differently. Amazing quality really

 

Wouldn't it be easy to just identify as non-gender. If I had to choose, I'd probably choose being a woman over being a man. However, it's not that easy. I don't really care what gender I am really, as long I can just be me.

 

There are a few things I remember about my childhood. I loved dolls and all, I was a typical girl, you could say. However, I don't think I ever identified as a girl at that age. I knew at a very early age I liked boys though. And not as a girl; no, as a boy. At the time, of course, I didn't know what it meant. At a later point in my life, I came out as gay, something I don't regret until this day. I think when I accepted myself as gay, just before coming out, I all of a sudden started having doubts about my gender, then deriving from my playing with dolls in my childhood. I also liked pretending to be female; it was my safe haven when I felt really bad about myself. I've always liked that, it just felt amazing really. Reality wasn't as good, though. At some point, I must've grown too attached to me pretending to be female, I guess. My real life (as a man) really sucked; I hadn't come out yet.

About dressing up like a woman. It would be fun. Also, I'd love to try out make-up. Women's underwear, not really though. Maybe I am not there yet, it just seems weird. And most of all, uncomfortable.
Also, I believe this could actually cause my feelings to get stronger. I don't want this to get out of control, I really don't, I want to shape my own destiny. I've had a very clear image of what I want for myself in life; I want to be a happily married gay man. Having gender doubts, confusion won't be a problem, me wanting (feeling the need) to be a woman would fuck that up obviously (sorry for my language!).

---------- Post added 5th Jun 2014 at 10:59 AM ----------

Would you care to look at my responses too? :icon_redf

---------- Post added 5th Jun 2014 at 11:02 AM ----------

Also, I feel like I'm not even realistic about being a woman. I just feel like I can't be as a man. Which is crazy, isn't it, cos there is no reason I wouldn't be able to me...
It's just too bad my childhood really fucked me up.

 

It's not even that I'm scared of not being dateable. Obviously, if I was me, that wouldn't really matter. As in, it'd be worth the cost.
It's just that, I really like the prospect of being a gay man that's in a relationship with another gay man. It's what kept me going during my coming out and the year that followed after.

 

You know, I don't hate christianity. I have a strong dislike for religion sometimes, but I think faith (which is different from religion) is amazing and I'm a very spiritual person. And sure, that was the context, I agree. However, what I am experiencing right now, does seem more like a 'demon' (from the past) than me developing into a real person. However, this may also be denial of course.
I always say there may be two sides to every story. Usually a very good quality, now it's annoying. On the one hand, I want to present as a woman, on the other hand, I don't as I feel it's something I should overcome (for the reasons mentioned above).

 

I just had a breakdown. Like, I never really cry, this time I couldn't even stop. I think I may be a woman. I just got shivers all over my spine, didn't know what to do.
Immediately texted a friend, I am talking to her right now. But wow, really wow.