Deep anti-tran/gay social programming. I have it =[

As the title says, I have VERY deep Anti gay/trans social programming. This is very hard to explain, because 1) its not something that's as bad as it used to be and 2) I know my negative feeling towards transsexuals is childhood programming.

The good news is that my anti gay programming is pretty much 100% purged X]. My recent trouble is that I'm having trouble accepting MYSELF as a possible trans female. There's a HUGE cognitive dissonance about what I KNOW is right and the negative feelings I feel when thinking of myself as a trans. I know that dressing up as, hanging out with, and generally being a girl is just me, but a part of me thinks its still wrong. Wrong on the basis of the status quo that I'm suppose to have as a man with other men.

As a boy where i grew up being somehow gay was just nebulously bad. Maybe it was the south? But the programming came along with all the other bullshit. Like 'don't hit girls' blah blah. (maybe not hit anybody? just a thought)

Sorry for my terrible writing =[ but the point I guess I'm trying to make is that I feel I have a unwarranted subconscious transphobia (and once homophobia) and maybe that's the main reason society dejects trans and gay people. The good news is I'm REALLY starting to make headway in getting over it/ reprogramming! A lot of trans bloggers and of course, this site are helping me overcome what I know Isn't right.

 

NO NO I KNOW! I'm not saying I have transphobia as like a permanent thing. I'm say I have deep seeded (programming) unwarranted negativity towards it. As a child in our formative years we're given our programming without question.

When you say I'm not a robot I know X]. I'm using the word programming to say I'm REprogramming! I know its wrong and after seeking out transsexual blogs, video, etc. I'm getting better.

The main issue was having those feelings and NOT being really that introduced into the transsexual scene. Although I knew the existed and had the opinion that it was very likely that they really were born a different gender than their birth gender.

I posted my number questions on future's thread but I'll repost her in a sec

---------- Post added 5th Jun 2014 at 10:58 AM ----------

(1) Do you experience discomfort with the male parts of your body?
A. No
(2) would you want female parts?
A. Yes. All of them X]
(3) Have you ever felt the need to dress in female clothing?
A. VERY yes
(4) If someone used feminine pronouns on you, how would you feel?
A. apathetic. In a game theres a character that refers to you as 'giiiirl' regardless of your gender, even when shes knows your male and I enjoyed it. But on battle star galactica female officers were refereed to as 'SIR' just the same as everyone else and this seemed honestly to make more sense from a equality stand point.
(5) Can you see yourself 10+ years from now? Are you happy, or sad?
A. Happy for sure X] I find that question not to mean that if I was the same as me in 10 year id be happy. If along those 10 years I wanted/ needed to change in any way I would, and id be happy about it.

also hugs! (*hug*)

 

Thanks X]