Im going on a quick rant here. I went to the gym and worked out. I burned 450 calories tonight. I got home and I ate a chicken sandwich with tomato and fresh mozzarella. I went to play Ff14 on my PS3 I had to update my fucking game so I had to wait 45 minutes. So I killed some time by watching Carolina on YouTube. Shes a transgendered woman who explains her story. Just look up her YouTube channel "Caro Land". She's very pretty I would love to look as gorgeous as her after HRT. Then my mom comes down stairs and finds an old photo album. She goes through and to my horror. I see my old self. I look away and my says "what's wrong" I told her I cant look at those pictures and I walked away. I want to throw up and purge everything thing I have eaten. I feel fat and gross. I look at my old fat 345 pound mess I used to me. Looking at the old me. I felt sorry for that son of a bitch. I walked away before I started crying. I never again want to be morbidly obese I'd rather starve to death than to be morbidly obese ever again. I look at myself and I feel disgusted with myself.
Which is partly why my love life sucked ass. Nobody wants to date a fat guy. At least some people would date a fat gurl.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think what is important is how far you've come from losing weight and trying to improve your body image. I used to be very insecure with my body and I still am but It's not as worse as before. Relatives have always told me how skinny I looked like until I was around 6th grade where I tried to eat more but then they were commenting how my fatness didn't seem to be "normal". I think people can be cruel at times and sometimes the only way they can be silenced is not giving any fuck about it. I started to lose weight naturally back in high school and now I'm trying to improve myself by jogging and Tae Bo (it's kinda like aerobics but it incorporates punches and kicks influenced by Martial Arts, it's really fun!). I still get insecure with my body but at the same time I want to push myself and I like that I'm getting good results in return. I think you're getting there as well in which you should be proud of yourself.
I will be under going HRT beginning on 6/16. So the only thing I can hope for is that hopefully ill be able to speed up motabolism to lose weight. I began to drink more water and hopefully ill be able to lower my bilirubin levels.
Estrogen can actually lower your metabolism, unfortunately. However! Do not dismay! I would suspect that the emotional relief from starting HRT will improve your mood and stress hormones cause both weight gain and water retention so, I think that it'll still work out well! And don't you dare be disgusted with yourself, Diva. You are awesome!!! :tantrum::****hug*) *running leap and... GLOMPS*
(*hug*) Lotsa love, hun. Not to preach, but please, please don't starve yourself. Overweight and alive, at least you have something to work with. Starved to death...less so. And hey, think about the curves you can get after the 16th and the hormones start redistributing your body fat! Joking aside, I think everyone with some ounce of self awareness has body issues. Me personally, I'd rather be on the under-confident rather than the over confident side of things any day.
I'm actually quite jealous of the potential curves I see her developing. I may be able to pull off the "petite" look well, but so much gorgeous clothes I couldn't wear because I couldn't fill them out properly. --- Monika, you know we love you, and love you enough to be honest with you instead of mere flattery. And it's the honest truth when we tell you you're awesome and that you're already making great progress with yourself! Please keep it up and don't let a bad memory from the past drag you down. Instead, always focus on how far you've come. Maybe take another good, long look at your album so you can see the truly beautiful girl there, instead of depressing memories. (*hug*)
That picture you sent me was great. See here's the thing(s). 1.) You're moving towards your goals of transitioning and getting in shape. 2.) Believe it or not there are such things as wearing clothes that fit your body type. And that dress you had on worked amazingly. It had the right lines and accents that separate certain areas and others that accentuate. 3.) Fuck the haters.
Don't beat yourself up. You're beautiful. Calories mean nothing. I bet you're way more healthy than me, love. And that's what really matters.
ok darlin' look at just the words i bolded "my old" and "I used to be" you are not that person. you have lost weight, you look fabulous - i've seen your pictures. you are a GREAT LADY! Chin up girly girl one step at a time. where we were is not where we have to go. (*hug*)(*hug*)
