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Feeling Weird

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by SamThes, Jun 7, 2014.

  1. SamThes

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    So I'd accepted that I'm trans*, and had all these plans of what I was going to do to be myself once I can move out. And then, ever since a disastrous shopping trip yesterday, I feel like I'm questioning myself again. I tried shopping in the men's department, an felt ridiculous doing so. That could be because the shirts I tried on were so ridiculously huge on me, but I'm just not sure. But, because of that, I'm suddenly struggling to imagine myself dressing like a guy, even though I usually feel like a guy.

    I also got my hair cut yesterday, still in a feminine style, since I'm still in the closet, and I was so mad that it wasn't short enough. But today, I'm struggling to imagine what I'd look like if I cut my hair so I could actually pass as a guy.

    The thing is, I know I have gender dysphoria. I hate my breasts, and from the time I was about 11 years old, have wanted a flatter butt. Some days I want to chop off those feminine parts, and some days I want to just hack into anything feminine about my body.

    So why do I feel so weird about it today? Is it because I'm scared of being trans*, or scared of my family finding out? Or maybe even just because I'm unfortunate enough to PMS like crazy (usually just getting really angry at everything) for a whole week before shark week, and that happens to meant that I'm PMS-ing now? Is it normal to be so sure, and then have random days where you doubt whether you're right about yourself? And maybe it is because I have to still present as female and pretend right now. I don't know. Sorry for the rant.
     
  2. sherlock

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    It is. And that doesn't make you less of a man. I think it could be both reasons. For me, personally, I sometimes find myself making my voice more feminine than what I normally talk with-the voice I use around friends-simply because when my mother's around she gets pissed off if I get called a guy. Then I start panicking what she'll do to me to "retaliate". Soon enough, I find myself paranoid and talking in a girl voice even when she's not around to hear me, like I walk into a Starbucks alone, orders a frap and panics if the cup says "Mr.L" instead of "Ms.L".
    Sometimes I stare into the mirror and think I might make a decent small-chested swimsuit model had I tried. But that doesn't feel right to me, it's more like I'm looking at a picture of someone else's body on a magazine. I do not emotionally connect to the image before my eyes. On the other hand, when I visualize my torso without the two unnecessary appendages, I see a freaking hot guy.
    This has made me doubt on several occasions, and while I do not experience PMS, I think you'll have to wait until shark week's over to reassess and see if you still feel the same. What you're feeling may well be caused by hormonal fluctuations. Either way, good luck.
     
  3. drwinchester

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    Yeah. I felt a lot like that when I was first starting out. I remember, for instance, shopping for men's clothing for the first time at a Kohl's. Fucking paranoid the whole time. Liked the clothes but I felt like I was being judged for buying them when I was still at a point where I looked female. And I'd even panic when I was at a Starbucks. I'd give them a fake female name. And when I registered for my college classes, I emailed my professors and let them know I was trans and had a preferred name but I panicked because what if my mother found out? I hadn't gotten to the point where I was comfortable presenting male. It felt good but I wasn't passing and I was in a living situation where I was afraid to cut my hair or even dress anything more than vaguely androgynous at home.

    And a lot of that was motivated by my mother and what she's do if she knew I wasn't acting 'female'. I had an LGBT group I went to. They knew I was a trans guy but I'd go home afterwards and because I spoke with a lower voice there, I heightened it on the way home.

    I gotta say, now that I'm out of my mother's and finally full time, a lot of that went away. And you might find that too- once you're in a position where you no longer have to hide or be someone you're not, that being yourself is gonna feel less like exposing a gash and more like just being free and out there.
     
  4. SamThes

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    Thanks, guys. I'm sure this will pass. It probably is because I'm being forced to present as female, combined with hormonal fluctuations, combined with being constantly surrounded by transphobia. I tried opening up a little bit to my sister this week, and she just kept saying that I sounded like a lesbian and not to talk like that. And that I looked like I wa trying to be a lesbian when I tried on men's clothing for the first time. Probably not helping things. So you're probably right, and I'm sure it's just a mix of all this at once. Thanks for the support. :slight_smile: And drwinchester, glad to hear that you can be yourself now and that that helped. (*hug*)
     
  5. Unkempt Harold

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    I don't think I could ever buy women's cloths publicly. I mean a female buying the opposite cloths would be looked on as strange, but a male doing it? He'd be called a sicko and a pervert. Just aswell, no cloths fit me anyway XD. Have to order online
     
  6. SamThes

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    Sorry that no clothes fit you. That really is hard. That wa the problem I ran into yesterday. Does ordering online work well for you?
     
  7. Unkempt Harold

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    All my male cloths are ordered online because I'm really tall and skinny with very narrow shoulders. I don't own any female cloths yet.
     
  8. SamThes

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    I'm sorry about the sizing issue. Glad you can ind stuff online, though. And good luck if you ever decide to buy female clothes. :slight_smile:
     
  9. PlantSoul

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    This reminds me of myself, even though I don't identify as being Trans. I've always leaned more towards my masculine side than my feminine one. I've been wanting to completely switch to male and/or unisex clothing and have a more androgynous appearance for a long time but, I just keep putting it off. My family doesn't know about my gender identity and they haven't been supportive/understanding of my fashion preferences.

    I remember when I was younger, I would always dread having to go clothes shopping since, I would often be told that I was going towards the "wrong side" of the store (etc.) There have been times, where I was lucky enough to go to stores that had very tolerant staff.

    The panic is certainly understandable. The shift towards being more yourself can be very difficult especially, if you worry about whether or not you will be judged for it.